hi, ive been reading the forum for a bit, looks like i`m not alone.
i`ve been married for 9 years(im 30 something, so is my wife)
we have a couple of lovely children.
however, my wife is quite cold, and always has been.i.e she never tells me she loves me or fancies me.i crave the feeling to be wanted.also, sex has never been great.lights off, only in the bedroom etc..
we have tried to talk on many occasions,but all i got from her was the reply "not this thing again, stop going on about it"
i couldnt deal with the colness,and wanted to leave on many occasions. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
although i thought i could deal with the way she is,the coldness etc..i found out i couldn`t by having a fling for 3 months.the woman in question told me everything i wanted to hear and what i felt was missing.
i am not really cut out for infidelity, i kew it was wrong so i ended the fling because i really do love my wife.
i only realised this during the affair.
that was 7 months ago.all i feel now is guilt.
theres no way i can tell her, it will destroy her.if there is a lesson to be learnt, then i have found it, the hard way.
all i want to do is work at the marriage and stay together.

Hello manic,

Welcome to MB.I am sorry you are here but it is a great place to share your feelings and get support.

Well,if you really want to save your marriage,REALLY,then you have some major work to do.Are you up for it?

First and foremost,you need to come clean to your W about the A.Yes I know that's not what you WANT to do but what you NEED to do.The slate must be wiped clean if you are to start over or have a chance.That means ALL the cards on the table,every last one: dirty,broken,torn, used,etc.

From there you can begin to recover your marriage and even make it better *provided your W will want that too.There is a good chance she won't after dropping a bomb like adultery but you will never have an honest relationship with her again if you try to keep this secret.It will eat you up alive and it's already begun.You feel it.Guilt.

We can help you with the details of admitting the A.You also need to get into counseling and right away after you tell your W.Obviously your W isn't here to speak for herself(maybe you could suggest it to her) and so we don't actually know how bad things were on her end.Usually there is some dissappointment on both sides,not just the WS.Your W's "coldness" as you say,may be indicative of many things including her own dissatisfaction with the marriage.

The truth will hurt in a HUGE way for sure but the fact is,many BS's here will tell you that if the truth came out and along with it,the WS wanted to recover the marriage and was willing to never speak or hear from the OP again,that would be the best scenario to begin.Many times though the WS has yet to give up the OP and end the A.You are already there: you ended the A and presumably have had no further contact.

How does this sound so far?

You CAN do this,especially for your children.Let us help you.

O

<small>[ November 26, 2004, 10:53 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by manic:
all i want to do is work at the marriage and stay together.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">^ this is what you wrote

This is a little more accurate... "All I want to do is to HIDE MY AFFAIR AND MY FRUSTRATIONS FROM MY WIFE then work on the marriage and stay together."

Welcome to Marriage Builders!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ready for honesty?
Ready to be challenged?

Well.... read the concepts portion of the site ... and take a look at what Harley says about how to recover after an affair.

RADICAL HONESTY

That means no hiding.
That means facing problems.
That means respecting your wife enought to be honest with her.

YOU are going to be OK.
You made a serious error.
Don't make the error worse by hiding it!!!
Your wife will be hurt and angry.
However, your W has made some serious errors as well.

Ask yourself this:

Do you feel loved at home?

Pep

i havnt felt loved for a long time to be honest.
but funny thing is, ive noticed she`s trying lately.
she`s more loving and even cuddles me now.
its all very confusing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
i told a friend and they said she knows. i doubt that very much though.

Do you live in the US?

Pep

no.
also, i was prescribed anti depressents for anxiety/panic attacks two years ago,and i am back on them .
i am usually a very happy guy but tend to worry a lot anyway.

See if you can get your hands on Dr. Laura's Book for your wife... it's called

Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands

You feel stable on your medications yet?

Pep

no, not yet, only been three days. takes about a week to kick in from what i remember .
i know what i did was wrong, and all i want to do is concentrate on the things that matter. i.e my wife and family .

manic, the way to save your marriage is to tell her exactly what you told us here. Your marriage is on its way out the door right now and will eventually crash and burn unless you save it. She ain't gonna change unless you give her some motivation. She has already told you she doesn't CARE about meeting your needs.

She doesn't understand that there will be CONSEQUENCES to that decision. She must know that there are very real consequences or she will go along her merry way thinking that just gracing you with her majesterial presence will be sufficient to sustain you. You need to cure her of this notion!

So what are you going to do? Continue to live with a cold fish and just have occasional affairs? See, you are just a walking affair waiting to happen the way it is now. '

You need tell her the truth if you expect to change anything. Otherwise, this marriage is headed for the rocks.

And yes, she might be more attentive to you right now, but that is only because you are pulling away from her. You are already in the process of detaching from her, which is the beginning of the end. She senses something is wrong but can't put her finger on it.

The bottom line is you have 2 choices:

1. Tell her the truth and give her an opportunity to be an equal giver in your marriage

2. Keep lying to her and just let the wounded marriage crash and burn on the rocks, which it will eventually.


You can drive the boat or you can let it drive you. Take your pick!

<small>[ November 26, 2004, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

manic,

If you are going to stay with us,get a profile ok? Like ages of you and W,kids,how many,ages,how long married,etc.That way,anyone that comes to read your posts will have a better idea of your background.

O

I'd like to add a suggestion here, regarding Dr. Laura's book. I read it and found it truly worthwhile. Still, had my husband given it to me to read, especially close to D-day, I might not have taken it so well. My suggestion: give it to her and get yourself something to read about her needs as well. Several great books are mentioned on this site. Another suggestion, which I highly recommend for any man, is "Every Man's Marriage" by S. Arterbaum.
Best wishes!
PM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by papermom:
<strong> I'd like to add a suggestion here, regarding Dr. Laura's book. I read it and found it truly worthwhile. Still, had my husband given it to me to read, especially close to D-day, I might not have taken it so well. My suggestion: give it to her and get yourself something to read about her needs as well. Several great books are mentioned on this site. Another suggestion, which I highly recommend for any man, is "Every Man's Marriage" by S. Arterbaum.
Best wishes!
PM </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOU are correct!

I am incorrect!

Thank you...

Pep

No, no, Pep -- you aren't incorrect. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Mine wasn't a correction at all, just an added suggestion. I've read many of your posts here and have immeasurable respect for your thoughts!

(Pardon the threadjack, please.)
PM

oh pep---thanks for the laugh---ARE YA TRYING TO GET THE GUY KILLED???!!!

if my ws gave me that book right before or after d-day-----i woulda beat him to death with it...LOL

i did read it and its good--but not around d-day. i still remember my hubby patting me on the head and telling me a few weeks after d-day how good i was doing. and look at how much good has come from this.(meeting his needs) he was still talking to ow at the time...i still remember when i put all those dots together----i wanted to kill him. lol hes a very lucky man.....

Dear M,

What was it that 1st drew you and your W together? Find that spark and rekindle it. Eventually you will find the courage to be honest with her. Think about how it w/b if you were on the other end. Maybe she 'was human, too.' Those are lyrics to a song but in reality, nothing c/b farther from the truth. It is not natural for a spouse to have an A. It never feels right to all involved.

In addition to the books, get ahold of Dr W. Harley's books: His Needs/Her Needs & Giver/Taker. It will help you learn how to communicate with your W. Very helpful for both spouses to read. It will touch on the A but the books will show that basically men and women process info differently. Most of us speak to our mates as if they were of our gender......it often backfires.

I saw a show called: "Everbody Loves Raymond" where the wife asked her husband to take her golfing with him. At first they acted as if they were just dating but by the 12th hole (not sure which hole - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ), they were back to bickering and it was easy to see they were really married. YIKES!!! That was too real for me. But it was a learning experience (yea, sometimes we can learn a lesson or 2 from the tele <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

Not sure where you are located, but if you could also place a call to Steve @ MB it will be helpful. Steve & Jennnifer to MC via phone. They are great. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Glad to see your conscience is working. U R better than most! I am sure your W knows that. Appreciate her the same.

take care,
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nikko:
<strong> oh pep---thanks for the laugh---ARE YA TRYING TO GET THE GUY KILLED???!!!

if my ws gave me that book right before or after d-day-----i woulda beat him to death with it...LOL

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">bwahahahahahaaaaa! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by papermom:
No, no, Pep -- you aren't incorrect.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yesssssss
I am incorrect... because the timing is just wrong!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />