tough night lastnight---i think that i'm the only one trying --just need to talk

lchild my dday was on oct 19, so we are pretty closethere, keep your head up, i know it is hard right now, but you have come to the right place for support. there are many on this site that can help you more then me, so listen to thier ideas and pick out what you think is best for you.sometimes it helps me to just read other peoples responses and not even be involved in the conversation. anyway, we are here to help each other, so good luck and dont give up.

i have a real hard time with the visuals , because i knew om so well--he was always over at our house

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lchild:
<strong> tough night lastnight---i think that i'm the only one trying --just need to talk </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">so talk.... what's on your chest?

Pep

R U angry at yourself as well?

yes---for trusting him so much

I understand. But you need to keep a clear mind and a calm heart along with lots of patience if you want to do your best. You up for that challenge?

L.

i know i love my wife tons, and can not imagine spending my life without her as my best friend---its just so hard right now

Ok but you didn't answer my question. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

yes ---i'm up for the challenge

Ok. Please review the following and see how many you can do. Pace yourself. ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

1. Get with a good MC/IC.
2. Setup phone counseling with Jennifer or Steve @ MB.
3 Read the concepts section above.
4.Take the EN Questionnaire. Both of you if possible. If she doesn't want to, you take it twice (once as yourself and once as her).

5. Go out for a breathe of fresh air on a regular basis. MB c/b very addicting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

6. In a calm voice, ask your W what she thinks you should do to help her.....then later ask her when you can tell her how she can help you. Give a reasonable amount of time between the 2 requests.

7. Do fun things together. Don't be the one to always bring up the A. This w/b hard but you can do it. You can vent here when you feel bottled up. You can call your MC.

8. Read Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs for starters. Both are by Dr W. Harley.

9. Don't expect her t/b back to normal. That will take time. Expect her to get angry and frustrated with you. When she does, back off.

10. On the other hand, learn not to take any fog babble. Read other threads here and it will give you a hint as to what fog babble really means.

11. Identify your immediate support group. C/b even the family pet. Anything or anyone who can bring you safe comfort.

12. Pray.

L.

Ichild - So what was so hard about last night?

Thanksgiving triggers?

Or worse, like one of my clients who died last night?


Note: I didn't see this thread before responding to your other identical thread. Sorry for posting the same thing in both places. Must be more "oldtimers disease." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

probably just selfishness---seeing things that brought back memories

You are facing a double betrayal - by your wife and your friend. So it is a double whammy. There are several here who have been through that. Hopefully they will post to you.

You are still very new in this, but I promise you, it does get much better. Stick with us, and we will help you through this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i have a real hard time with the visuals , because i knew om so well--he was always over at our house </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A really weird thing for me is that even though I've met the OM a bunch of times (even had a few friendly beers w/ the !^@&*@), ever since this whole thing came to light, I have not been able to picture his face. (not that I've tried too hard, but...) And I thank God for that.

But, the visuals are still there, and they cut like a knife, that's for sure.
(Do men have a rougher time with that part, I wonder? Think I read that somewhere.)

((((((((( Ichild ))))))))))

I understand the "visuals," the "movies," as perhaps only a man truly can. We are basically such possessive creatures.

The movies ARE crushing, to state a gross understatement. Mine were debilitating when they hit. After six years and scores of PA encounters, there was enough mental imagery material to fill several films and sequels.

It DOES lessen and get better with time.

But one thing is quite clear because of the involvement of your best friend. He was, and is, a wolf in sheep's clothing with worldly standards.

He is (I know it may be hard on you and a source of further pain) out of your life forever. No Contact. Gone. Doesn't exist. Cannot ever again return to the "just friends" state. He forceably raped you, with no regard to your well-being, much less the concept of friendship, loyalty, honesty, caring, etc., etc., etc..

THAT is just one of the consequences of their sin. He is out of your lives permanently. No contact with him by either of you.

Do not find excuses to allow further contact. It won't work.

God bless and help guide you through this deep dark valley in your journey through life.