I do a lot of thinking...too much of it, probably. And one thing that I've been thinking about is...

I'd guess that just about everyone who comes here has heard the same things: "Why are you putting up with her/him and everything she's/he's done to you? You deserve better! She's/he's not worth it! What about your pride? etc, etc."

Sometimes I wonder WHY I'm someone who, in effect, tolerated my spouse's adultery/betrayal/deceit/lies, found a way to forgive her, and then made saving my marriage my new life's project.

With a 50%(?) divorce rate, and an even higher infidelity rate, there's a LOT of people out there doing quite the opposite of what everyone here is trying to do, or has done. In other words, isn't it true that for most people: Infidelity = Marriage_Over. Or maybe more accurately, Marriage_Over_Eventually (am I wrong about that?).

What makes "us" different?
Is there something wrong with me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
What about the answer to all those questions, like "what about your pride?"

simple----my pride has never been worth more than my honour and integrity.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nikko:
<strong> simple----my pride has never been worth more than my honour and integrity. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ditto.

I was happy to find a place to come where it wasn't a given that infedelity=divorce. This is a pretty rational place. People tell you to take your time. There's plans you can buy into if you want to. It's not just divorce advice but relationship saving advice.

At this point, I feel like you. I've given my WH a lot of chances and am tired of it. But once, he gave me the chance when I was a WW. For nearly 19 years, it worked and I was/am a loving, faithful wife and super mother. I'm not sure if I want to give up on him yet. What I did tell him is that while I don't know if this marriage will continue or not, I do know that things are going to be different between us. Things are going to change.

I'm serious about marriage and relationships. That's probably why I'm here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Most marriages do survive infidelity so I don't think we are different. The simple truth is that it is just as hard, if not harder, to go through a divorce. And when one has children and a shared history together, its not so easy to toss that aside for the unknown.

Amen to that. Divorce can be harder and certainly more unpleasant. I think everybody here is concerned with kids. WS often seem to forget what's best for kids. (At least mine does) Once you have kids, you and WS have a connection not matter what. Nothing, not divorce, abandonment nor death can do away with that shared history and connection.

Personally...I don't like to lose and I never quit. It just isn't in me to give up. That would make it too easy. Also, my situation has great promise, or so I continue to believe.

Thanks for asking and sharing!

Interesting question that I haven't asked myself. I chose very soon after d-day that I would work on saving our M. Initially because of the kids , I will admit.

You deserve better! She's/he's not worth it! What about your pride? etc, etc.

Yes i DO deserve better - from my Spouse and from myself than our behaviours pre-A. I do not think I would necessarily find 'better' out in the field of fortysomething singles.

And I DO believe that Squid was worth the effort of trying to recovery our M. She had been my best friend, confidant and lover for 20 years before our R started to crack a couple of years ago which she chose to resolve by having an affair.

That doesn't make her 'not worth it' in my book. was I not worth it because I had thrown myself with too much vigour into my career pre-A ?

This has been the most dreadful crisis of our lives and I am still not certain we will make it but the indicators are good. But whether we do or not I have no regrets at putting in the leviathan effort to Plan A etc.

And regarding my pride - I have rarely been prouder of anything I have ever achieved in my life than I am of my response to this crisis. I can look at the complete turnaround in our lives today versus five months ago and realise it was largely my own effort that catalysed our own M recover, OMs M rcovery and the restoration of our kids happiness.

How much more 'proud' would I be had I instinctively kicked out and divorced Squid as my instinct told me on d-day?

I think it is all about attitude. One can take great pride in being forgiving, understanding, compassionate, empathetic, and loving.
We are all human.

Once a person understands the dynamics of an unfair it is more easy to forgive and work on having a better marriage.
PW

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think it is all about attitude. One can take great pride in being forgiving, understanding, compassionate, empathetic, and loving. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel exactly the same way.
I think it makes me vulnerable to even more pain, depending on how things work out, but at the same time, I can't imagine me doing anything differently.

Now, if the WS could just get a glimpse or two of where
forgiveness, understanding, compassion, empathy, and love
fit on The Important Things scale...

It's interesting, now that I think about it, that my WS has a shortage of those very same things. Hmmm....

My H actually asked me similar question several time, like why did I stay in the M, wouldn't I be better off with someone else, someone who wouldn't remind me all the time of the pain he caused me etc.etc.

I replied: "So if I would do that and then meet some other guy.. and at some point would tell him what made my previous M break up... then he'll probably tell me: "Oh, but I would never do that to you!!". And I would think... yeah, right...

The point is that I need to work through this or I'll never trust any other man either, ever again. Or any woman, for that matter, since it was my BF who betrayed me too..

So aside from love, care, hope, positive signs for rebuilding the M etc. etc. I do have this rather selfish reason: I have to get through this to regain my faith (not blind anymore, though) in people.