Hi all,

I need your advice. My wife had an EA with an internet lover. No PA, telephone calls, cybersex, or real chat. Just e-mail back and forth. She felt she loved this person. Now that I've found out and she's stopped e-mailing (with coaxing) she is in withdrawals and is distant. Avoiding affection, etc. Our marriage wasn't perfect before and we had some pretty bad fights with lots of love busters. But we've always seemed to weather them eventually. It was only after this OP came into the picture that she seemed to care less about resolving disputes.

My problem is that she does say she loves me, but I'm not sure she even means that. She questions herself with "what if the love doesn't come back" She scared of this. I explained that I thought she just needed a little more time to pass from breaking off her relationship. That I'm confident that she will "remember" the love, rather than having to start from scratch.

My question: What are the chances the love will come back? How do I handle her uncertainty from my end? And last of all. Should I spy? I'm worried if she questions her love that she'll latch back on to her previous internet affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What are the chances the love will come back? How do I handle her uncertainty from my end? And last of all. Should I spy? I'm worried if she questions her love that she'll latch back on to her previous internet affair. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The love doesn't "come back"...it's still very much there..it's just fogged out right now.

Withdrawal is very tough... and she will come out the other end of the tunnel soon...you'll see the change.

That leads me right to your SPY question...as ridiculous as it seems...if she ISN'T in withdrawal...and you see the "normal" return TOO quickly... THAT is when you worry. I'm hoping some FWWs will jump in on this one. But I think the moping...is a GOOD thing..the fear.. also a GOOD thing.

How do you handle the uncertainty..you take ACTION...you don't wait for something to happen..you MAKE things happen. Start taking steps to heal the marriage. Print out the Emotional Needs questionnaires. This will be the first exercise for you and your wife to building a new marriage.

I know to a lot of people..the questionnaires seem overrated...but I'll tell you what...my FWH and I filled those out..and I thought I'd be met with a lot of reluctance on his part. He eagerly filled them out..and we spent hours/days..talking about them. It was proof positive that we were both really interested in making a better marriage.

I urge you to give 'em a go! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Love is a VERB. Act LOVING towards her and it will be returned.

Meeting her ENs is the KEY as the other poster stated. Come up with your PLAN A: YOUR PLAN OF ACTION and then stick to it.

Thank you for the comments. I especially liked to hear that moping and scared were good things. I read that here before, but I needed to hear it. I have taken the steps to meet her emotional needs, but at this point she does not seem very receptive. I try a little at a time. I did print out the questionairres, but as yet she doesn't show much interest. I guess I'm just antsy. I feel this marriage will turn the corner. I'm very hopeful and on/off confident that this EA will prove a good thing. If nothing else, it will prove to be a growing experience for me. I just want the growing to be with her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you again for your advice. What hurts is the feeling of unreciprocated love. I don't want it to sour me over time until I no longer care. At least suspecting she'll get better will help.

SOULMATE:

She will not be responsive while she in in the fog. However, don't wait for her response. Make sure to continue to meet her primary ENs. You can figure this out on your own without requiring her to fill out the questionnaires.

I'm working on it. I do have one problem with meeting her ENs. I know she's not cheating, I've sat in the same room with her while she's on the computer, but she spends a lot of time on this site she favors. A discussion forum. They are like friends. Drawing her away is difficult, especially when the kids are in bed. I feel this site is providing the friendship portion of her ENs. I don't want to ride her, because I thinking riding her initially was part of the problem. I'm hopeful that once the fog has lifted, if I continued to try to meet ENs and be understanding that she'll rely less on the site. She just seems lost and listless without the OP to e-mail to. So I'm in a quandry. I think to be influenced to spend less time on the computer would be a LB for her since its not time with OP, but I find it hard to fit in my own attempt at ENs. I've just been trying to take an interest in her interest and some of the discussions are pretty good and sitting in the same room to at least every once in a while talk to her about little things.

What is she seeking? Is it romance? Affection? Companionship?

Maybe you should write her some love notes and leave them around for her in surprising places.

I would be snoopy about that discussion group though. Just to make sure that she is not still in contact. Does she have computer access at work?

Yes to the e-mail access at work. I have snooped, but try not to seem too conspicuous about it. There is nothing I can do if she uses her work e-mail, but in the past she was using the free ones through hotmail, etc and that I can check. I feel as though I'm becoming obscessed with checking. Hopefully that wears off soon.

About love notes, etc. I've tried e-mails and notes as welll as quite a bit of physical and verbal indications of my love. I still try to give her a hug and kiss goodbye, tell her I love you, and all the things I did before. I know it's probably the fog, but she doesn't really seem to respond to any of this. Mostly begrudgingly. It's a little slap in the face to me each time, since I was the one cheated on, but I try not to show it. She was more affectionate when she was cheating. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Small question: How long can a person dedicate to meeting ENs while their own go unfullfilled. Seems like a sure fire way for the BS to become disenfranchised with the whole thing and maybe turn to other sources for their ENs. Right now I feel only love and desire for my wife, but you never know.

Since you are feeling love and desire for your wife, I suspect that she is meeting some of your emotional needs. Study the list of ENs. Maybe express your APPRECIATION to her for what she is doing.

Thank you mimi. That's encouraging. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hello soulmate,

Im obsessed by OM, my H doesnt not the truth but he suspects it. You can readn my post "Avoiding an internter affair", and "OBsessed by OM"

I can tell you that I love my husband, and OM gives me some emotional needs that my H doesnt do.

SOunds stupid, have an A by internet, I dont met OM, but I love chat with him. It was like wake up, in a sunny day.
At the beggining I think I was in love of OM, but that was just fantasy. I have tried to stop contact with OM but I cant.

Is difficult, and now my husband doesnt want any contact with me, he doesnt speak to me, and all this because is doesnt trust in me anymore. I havent been honest with my H. I havent told him all. HE just suspects.

Im trying to conquist him again. maybe is too soon.

Please be strong, is difficult be lovely and tender with a person who only shows indiference (Im in the same stage, but in my case I deserve this)

Fight for your marriage, try to cover all emotional needs of your wife. Give her some time, she is goint to realize that OM was just a fantasy.

Thank you for that curly

Best of luck to you in getting over the OM. What you see in this person is just a reflection of yourself. What you like to see. As you struggle with your addition to the internet affair, keep in mind what you told me. It's just a fantasy. You essentially love what you see from within yourself.