What do you do when you feel totally to blame for what is happening to you? I treated my W very badly for years, not badly like abusive, but badly like innatentive to her. I feel that what is happening to us is my fault. I know she didnt have to have the affair, but she told me she fell out of love with me long before that happened.

I sat in the same room with her a long time, with my back to her on this damn stupid computer, 10 feet away and couldnt see I was losing her because I didnt pay her any attention.

I never went and did anything with her, not because I didnt love her, just because I didnt want to do them, all she wanted from me was time and affection. I blew it big time......

So I know that I need to find a way to move on and better myself so it doesnt happen again, but how do I do that? I still feel so much in love that it is killing me inside to even think of moving on, and I dont have any real way to do a Plan A with her as she rarely calls and stops by even less, when she does its only a few minutes to see how I am doing because "she cares about me".

I fear a total Plan B would just make her dissappear forever, I am afraid of that to no end. I start IC on Monday, but I am at the point of not even caring if I get better because it wont matter to me anymore, the one woman in this world who means anything to me is gone, its my fault, I dont even feel that bettering myself matters to me right now, I know it wont help "us", and thats all I do care about...

Steve
I have exactly been where you are. It is GREAT that you are recognising wher you contributed to a duff marriage BUT do not confuse that with you contributing to your wifes affair.

She had many ways to respond to the 'flatness' in yoru marriage, and the affair was just about the most selfish and destructive she could possily have chosen.

I beat myself up just like you are.
What I did was went to my baby and told her the stuff I perceived I wrong in our M and tearfully aplogised and repented of them.

She cried too and it was a major turning point in our recovery.

I made sure I said that IN NO WAY did my behaviour justify or pemit her affair but it DID fall way short of the contribution IHAD previously made and that I SHOULD have made to our M.

Apologise to your WW for this, but don;t beat yourself up. It easy to do it differently once you have identified the bad behaviours.

Its a good phase mate, it just feels bad.

all blessings

Bob - Thanks for your words of support, unfortunately I have told my W several times that I was sorry, only reply I get is "me to", except shes sorry it took so long. When I try to explain that I know what went wrong with us, that I can see it now, she rolls her eyes basicly, tells me that I cant learn what I need to learn from here and books.

I havent seen her since Tuesday and its killing me inside. She called yesterday morn for about 5 min, and said that "its only been a day since I called you", but that day to me seems like an eternity, to her it seems like nothing, how can she jump right from our home to his? Hes still married with 3 kids of his own? And his W just left him about 4 mos ago...what are they thinking?

I am praying more than I ever have before in my life, Im not a very religious man, but If my prayers get answered you can bet I will be, Ive been wanting to go to church anyway, could never talk the W into it, to boring for her, I will be going tomorrow.

I pray for strength and courage, I pray that God will open her heart to what she is doing, it doesnt seem to be working, I know God has a plan, I just hope shes a part of it. Although every day I fight between just telling her I cant do this anymore, and holding on because I love her so much, it would be so easy to just let go, like she has, I might have to because it seems she has no interest in our M anymore. I miss her.

Wanted to add, Im not sure why many dont post replies, but it must be something Im doing wrong, I went and read most of my posts and it seems like I am all over the place, but its how I feel.

I went and bought "Love Busters, SAA, Torn Asunder and HNHN", maybe they will help somehow, I hope, at least I can come here and vent if nothing else, I dont know what else to do.

I havent really been able to cry at all, although I feel like I am always on the verge, is that bad? It feels like it is.

<small>[ November 27, 2004, 06:34 AM: Message edited by: gadgetolds ]</small>

Gadget you doing nothing wrong !!! I poted up 'cos I have exact experienc ein yoru space. Others will do the same. Thankgiving weekend ws always gonna be quiet, don;t feel bad.

Also apologising to your WW is one thing but you realising truly that you did bad stuff but didn;t CAUSE the A is important.

All blessings.

First let me say that you and I are in the same boat. I thought I could really care less about being married until that was threatened by my wifes affair. I sat around on the computer and generally ignored every EN she had.

After I found out about the affair I realized how much I wanted to be married, and just importantly be with my two small children.

I can't tell you what will work, I can tell you that I followed plan 'A' with some modifications and have seen real progress(she quit seeing the OM and we are starting MC shortly). I always told her that I loved her and wanted to take her back, but, only under the following terms:
She never see the OM again(a cowrker, she quit work to fullfill this request)
She allow me access to all voicemail, email, etc accounts
We get some sort of MC to not only make things better, but better than they were during the best of times.

I can't be sure things will work out for my marriage, but I believe that we have a better chance now than we did months ago.

As for and how your feeling, I've been there, just try and do your best to be good to her and understand you can't control the situation. She has to make the decision to come back to you, you being upset, sick, and everything else will only hurt you, not help get your marriage back. Try and remember that lots have been through what your going through, some have rebuilt their narriage better and stronger, others have gone onto relationships with others.