She is not a prude. I will ck it out.

TooSoon

lOT'S OF CHOICES.

I am buying one. Any idea or am i sounding like a pervert?

TooSoon

Too soon - You may want to jump up to the EN's board. They are just starting a thread on an article about "How to Have Great Sex". You might get more input there.

I can't over now. This is difficult enough.

Thanks

TooSoon

Well then, just read there. I don't think there is anything wrong with discussing this. I know that lots of women and couples use vibrators, and they seem to work just fine. So please don't feel strange about it.

I think I would buy it as a gift for your wife, and give it to her first, instead of just whipping it out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Shouldn't she decides she wants one first?

Maybe she doesn't feel she has any problem, or want any such "help," and "doing" and "fixing" her in this way risks destroying the emotional act of making love. Especially when proposed by a random group of strangers.

It is, after all, making love. Not whipping up a cake.

<small>[ November 27, 2004, 09:32 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Definitely see if she is interested in a vibe before you get one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My wife told me this afternoon that her having an orgasm has nothing to do with me, it is within her only. If she is mentally there and I do the right stuff, it helps it along. She has to be right mentally for it to happen. She said I am blowing this way out of proportion anyway.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would totally agree with her. Usually I do come, but on occasion I'm just not in the mood or mentally in the right spot. Thankfully, my DH understands that, and is not so ego-bound that he puts the "performing" aspect ahead of all else. So, he is OK if I simply let him know I'm happy, O or not.

FWIW, I have faked years ago with my ex-fiance...only because he simply wasn't happy or willing to quit unless I came. And sometimes I was tired, or simply not in the mood to do so. He simply could NOT get the concept that sex was more than just coming to a O for me. Sometimes (not often, but now and then) I simply didn't care about coming, but still enjoyed sex. He never did get it, and it was easier to fake than to have him nutz over it.

Kathi

There are a lot of toys that a couple can use together. I prefer those to just a vibrator. Btw, have you seen some of the new vibrators? They have spinning heads, popping beads and multiple speeds. Hard to compete with all those bells and whistles! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ November 27, 2004, 10:04 PM: Message edited by: boobyprize ]</small>

This is a very interesting thread, but ML, please tell me you weren't *faking it* when you said you liked MY gravy recipe!!!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TooSoonToBeComfortable:
<strong>My wife told me this afternoon that her having an orgasm has nothing to do with me, it is within her only. If she is mentally there and I do the right stuff, it helps it along. She has to be right mentally for it to happen.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Toosoon, this is the same with me. When I’m in the right mood and feel sensual & sexual and mentally ‘there’, my H doesn’t need to do much to help me get an O. During these occasions I usually get an O quick and easily and without a lot of foreplay from my H. But…when I’m NOT feeling in the best mood and when I’m mentally NOT really there, it takes very long for me to get aroused and to get an orgasm. Sometimes I don’t get an O at all. If I sometimes don’t get an O and still feel the need after sex to get one, I ask my H to help me ‘get there’ (if he doen’t feels to tired!) But if I don’t get an O and don’t feel the need to get one, I ask my H not to worry about it and let it go… It’s all about communication and acceptance of each other’s individual moods etc. I believe your W when she says it have nothing to do with you and is about her. We women are very complex human beings sometimes and I can understand why it’s sometimes difficult for men to understand and get track with all our moods etc. Just remember, hormones and different times of the month have a lot to do with it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TooSoonToBeComfortable:
<strong>I have been thinking about ordering her a vibrator, seriously. Any suggestions to which one?? This is not a setup Q. I want to know which one will rock her world!! I am not giving up without an "O", I mean fight! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Toosoon, I understand you mean good by this, but please don’t try to force your W to get an O if she isn’t really into it. As I have said, it’s really not necessary for a women to ALWAYS get an O during sex. Please accept this and instead of forcing your W to get an O with all kinds of techniques and toys, instead communicate with her and ask her what she wants. If she agree with the vibrator, then buy it for her, but if not, let it go… And if she doesn’t get an O during sex ASK her if she wants you to help her ‘get there’… If she does, then continue, but if she doesn’t…let it go and don’t try to force it on her. Again, it’s about communication and acceptance of each other.

By the way, personally I rather prefer the ‘real thing’ without an O, than a dead and impersonal toy or vibrator! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Personally I don’t believe in vibrators and all kinds of sex toys, but this is just my personal taste and opinion about it... If it works for others and both spouses find the use of these toys acceptable and exciting, then it’s good! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Octobergirl:
<strong>I have thought about why your WW would say what she did.First of all,it wasn't helpful or caring.She was,I think,trying to hurt you in a way.Maybe she feels that if you were feeling TOO good about sex in her eyes,since she is or may still be struggling with you and the thoughts of OM,she doesn't want you to forget that she isn't in the best place yet.Does that make sense?

In other words,I sometimes think that women want their mates to know that they are not happy or hurting and they express that by taking away YOUR happiness so you can feel down too,along with them.Of course,instead of making someone else feel poorly too,a person should be open about their feelings and not use subterfuge.I think this is HER issue.Well,that's my first thought anyway.Not sure if it flies.I will think more about it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Toosoon, Octobergil’s reply makes a lot of sense to me and I think you can give it some thought and consideration. I think she most probably hit the nail on the head with this. Maybe you can talk to your W again if her mood is better?

Take care and blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ November 27, 2004, 11:11 PM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Thank you all for your honest responses and opinions. After coming off a year of betrayal, lies, deceit, and omissions by my FWW, I am very sensitive to more of the same in any form. I would prefer to not have her O and tell me she didn't than to fake an O as if she did.

I simply want a straight forward relationship with my wife and I still must question how possible that is.

Of course, I would prefer to be able to please her than not, but maybe in time that will happen. I now wonder how many other times she faked it and what did I do to her that worked or didn't work. I feel like I am back to Letter A in trying to know what is real or not.

Betrayal in affairs are very damaging as you all know due to the spin-off damage of everything else and this is probably a good example of how doubt is cast.

TooSoon

I still really think this is more about her than you. Not feeling good about herself she may feel its wrong to feel good having sex. We FWW can have strange thoughts you know.

Sometimes I would FAR rather my H just cuddle me but sometimes he needs me more than I need him and its about being there for each other.
I mean I may not feel like it because of the time of the month, the colour of the sky, whatever, but I want him to be ok, so ... bit like the old saying close your eyes & think of England.
Its not that its not enjoyable because 99.9% of the time it is.
I mean after 18 yrs of M I still want sex at least 3 or 4 times a week, he wants EVERY night & mostly I'm ok with that. Yet my Sis who is so happy & so close to her H is quite happy once a week & he says it quite ok too. Everyones different.
Its just that I'm not fully there in the right place for an O ALL the time.

Don't let this freak you out, your'e ok. Just be open ask her to be honest with you and if you want her to tell you when shes not in the mood say so. I think you'll find her quite receptive about it and probably impressed you care.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TooSoonToBeComfortable:
<strong> believer:
I thought I was doing good sex. I was waiting for her to O before I did. Once I did, it would wear me out. It is not as easy at 53 as you may think. Maybe I am trying to please her too much and she is picking up on that and I am not succeeding in the mean time.

TooSoon </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This jumped out at me when I read this thread. First, the 53 comment -- that's pretty young these days. If sex is wearing you out at that young an age, it sounds like you need some lifestyle changes and/or medical help.

Second, the "I thought I was doing good sex" -- erm, doesn't sound like there's much deep intimacy going on there. I realize you're in recovery, but if you're having sex without the foundation of true intimacy, some problems are to be expected.

Aussie:

She apologized to me this morning for making her remark. I do think her mood was poor and I was brought down because she may not have liked my upbeat mood.

mineown:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This jumped out at me when I read this thread. First, the 53 comment -- that's pretty young these days. If sex is wearing you out at that young an age, it sounds like you need some lifestyle changes and/or medical help. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I joined a health spa and I am trying to shed 15 to 20 lbs. I have been working out and feeling much more energenic. I am not sure of your age but things change around this age but I know there are pills to make that even better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Second, the "I thought I was doing good sex" -- erm, doesn't sound like there's much deep intimacy going on there. I realize you're in recovery, but if you're having sex without the foundation of true intimacy, some problems are to be expected. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We have been having good intimacy and I think I should have phrased that differently. I believe my name for the boards remains appropriate at the state I am still in. We are still haunted by the ghosts of the OM when he creeps into her and my mind against our wills. Thanks for your feedback.

TooSoon