Hi everyone. It has been a long time since I posted last. I have been lurking and reading your posts and have been working on my marriage. Notice that I say "I" have been working on my marriage.

My hubby is still in 4 bands (which means 4 nights a week out for practices--usually from 6:30- 11 or later if they go out for drinks after). With Christmas season in full swing, he has been out every night plus weekends doing parades etc. So, he's been here to eat and to sleep. The three kids and I do the best that we can (kids aged 17, 12 and 10)

I work full time and my husband works 20 hours a week working mostly night shifts. He is home alone through the day and is gone at night for all of the bands that he is in.

Trying to rebuild a marriage with less than an hour of contact each day is impossible. I have been trying to put up a good front but almost daily now, I am crying etc. Honestly, we can hardly find time to catch up on our days. It feels like I am getting crumbs of his time. I have communicated to him that after his A (with a woman in 2 of the bands he is in) more time would need to be spent on me and repairing the damage to our 19 year marriage. This hasn't happened. Oh yes, he has quit one band and is waffling on quitting another.

He talks about the future but I am dieing inside. My marriage is slowly bleeding to death in front of us, I am acting out even, and he keeps putting off working on our marriage until after New Year's when he'll consider leaving another band.

In my heart of hearts, I feel that I can't go on anymore. I can't wait 2 weeks much less the entire Christmas season to really start to work on things. I still sting inside when I know that he is at practices and gigs with OW.

My God, this pain is awful.

Any 2 X4's or advice would be gratefully received.

Sandy

Don't feel so bad, it is very miserable at first, but you will start feeling better. I gave up on my WH meeting any of my needs, and started trying to do things for myself.

That is your best bet too. I cleaned the house sparkling, painted, detailed the car, did the yard, exercised, volunteered, started my own property management business. I organized, started projects, went out with friends.

Waiting for him to meet your EN's is guaranteed to make you sad. He is just not there yet.

Thanks for responding believer. It has been a year and a half almost since DDay and things are not much better. We are not spending time together, he is totally into his band life not his family life. It seems that because I do all of the family stuff that he doesn't have to or he is completely disinterested. He wants to do his thing. Of course he won't say that but his actions speak otherwise.

I know that your relationship with your H is over. What was "it" that indicated to you that things were really over?

Your imput and response is very appreciated.

Sandy

sandigirl -

I'm a hard worker, and a perfectionist. Our marriage consisted of me doing all of the work, and meeting WH's needs, and those of our children. When I look back, he did very little, practically nothing. However I was relatively happy, and always too busy to think about it.

When WH took off with OW, I was completely miserable at first. However as he continued not meeting any of my needs, I learned to meet them myself. Honestly after over a year of this, I realized that there was not really much to miss about him.

Now I'm at peace with OW doing all of the work. She can knock herself out. I'm sure when she gets tired of it he will move on again.

Take this time to figure out what kind of a marriage you are willing to settle for. Also develope other ways of meeting your EN's. It can be done. All of my days are happy now.

You know, believer, that so much of what you say is true. I am not accepting the fact that my H does not want to meet my needs--after all, he is rarely home and when he is, he does enough to "soothe" me for a while until I "blow" again.

This is getting ridiculous. I feel like I am twisting in the wind, waiting and waiting. For WHAT? What makes me think that he will be magically able to meet my needs. After all I have told him what they are, repeatedly told him, begged, cried, yelled, written etc. for months and months.

It is getting to the point where even I look at myself and say, "WHAT are you doing? Are you willing to settle for crumbs of his attention and wait for the day (the 12th of never perhaps) for the EVENT of his meeting my needs to happen? He WON'T--it will always be under his terms."

It is funny how your perception of things changes--I am turning on myself now and trying to convince myself that I don't need much--just a few moments of contact, just a night together to watch TV etc. once every couple of weeks.

THis is nuts. I cannot believe that I am settling for so little.

Even if he left every band and stayed home with me 7 nights a week, I'm not sure that it would help at this point. Part of me loves him but there is a bigger part of me that mistrusts him and is so angry with him for putting me so low on the priority list (behind bands, people who he has committments to etc.)

I know that I have to have an open heart and be willing to risk being hurt again if I ever have a hope of reconciling and making things better. I am guarding my heart and so this is not happening. I hear him say the words "I miss you" "I wish I was with you more" "You mean the world to me--I want to find a balance with music and you" but the reality is that actions speak louder than words and he is gone all of the time. He may be having an affair again, he may not.

He is showing me and our little family blatant disrespect. It pains me to think that he is OK with not being with our children. He rarely thinks of them--how could he if he is out 4 nights a week at least? Who will raise them? If he is not home at night when they are, then by default the job goes to me.

My mind is obsessing about him and our relationship. The kids even get put on the backburner by me. That is not right.

My emotions are strung out. I feel like I walk on eggshells when he is home but I feel OK and relaxed when he is not. After d day, I wanted to be with him constantly. Now, I am beginning to like being alone--I run my family well, I relax and I am more myself.

I feel like I cater to him when he is home. I definitely meet his needs (that I know of) and he minimally meets mine. Gives me just enough to keep me from going out of control.

He says he won't give up on us until I tell him to leave. He sees that we can make it. I can't conceive of another year like the one that we have just had. I will be certifiably insane by then.

I've lost myself in this marriage and in this "recovery" period. Where is my backbone? Can anyone find it for me?

Thanks for listening everyone. It's time to pull the plug on this marriage. I am low on energy and hope. I am getting very little from this marriage now.

Where do I go from here?

Sandy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Where do I go from here?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First you have to see why you are unable to kick his @ss to the curb. What are you afraid of ?. Work on it !!!. If you have unresolve emotional issues then this is the time to work on it. If you have financial concern then you should get practical training or go back to school.

W/ band players ... there are many OW wannabees, alcohols and drugs. My exW is one of them, OM is a band player. Now my exW could feel how OMexW's felt every night he went to play.

-rh-

He isn't doing enough..he hasn't got any skin in this recovery. The very least, absolute minimum requirement if I were you would be that any band OW participates in or has any affiliation with..be dropped like a hot potato..just like that *poof*..no arguing, no resistance.

He continues contact, isn't pulling his load in the recovery, isn't pulling his load in the marriage [20 hrs a week <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> but plenty of time to play in a band <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> but no time for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> does the term sugar mama mean anything to you?] and you wonder why you feel hopeless? Does it help now that it has been neatly outlined for you? The necessary changes have not happened. You may very well have an unrepentant former wayward spouse on your hands. Have you given this any consideration? What makes you think he is sorry, because he says so?

Noodle

Hi everyone. Thank you for your observations, which, by the way, are right on the money.

Last night we had the big confrontation. I had my bags packed, and I calmly told him that it was over because of all of the things that you mentioned.

I told him: he didn't work enough, he wasn't home enough, he gave little to no attentionto the children, he was too into his own life, I felt taken advantage of, he did very little around the house chore-wise, blah blah blah. But I did it without crying and I said it all respectfully. But it was all the truth. I think he felt like he got whacked with a 2 x 4. Every single thing was true.

I gave credit for the few things that he did do.

I told him I would be leaving.

I told him things in our marriage had to change.

This morning, a lot of changes have occured. He is leaving a band. Called the director already. Plans to be with the kids today. Will take a night off next week to be together. Well. well, well.

Am on the lookout for being "softened up"/manipulated. Won't happen.

More later, have got to go.

You are doing good ... right now you have to make him as a buyer not as a renter. This is a crucial time. Renter is doing just enough to maintain the relationship and not to get kicked out. When renter is under the gun he would do anything and say anything to keep it. You have to watch his actions and not his words.

Stick to what you want and you know what issues are negotiable and what issues are not. No LB'ed but stay firm.

-rh-

sandigirl,

I have posted to you once before.

As you know, my H is a musician, as I was for many years before I gave that up to be home for kids, and be stable for financial issues.

Anyway, am so glad that you have finally decided to have some intestinal fortitude. Your WS working with ow is NOT an option. I agree with Redhat, all that stuff is there, always.

Stick with your plan, it seems to be working at this point.

I know the feast and famine of being a musician. If I was living my bliss, that is what I would be (a musician) at this time. But I have to do what I do to survive financially. Thank goodness I have other skills besides music. LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Keep up the good work, I am so proud of you for what you did. I think you may be in the beginning of recovery!

My advice is to stick to what you have asked of your spouse, and to step back before you react, and do what is healthiest for you, your marriage and family. No LB's if you can, while being firm with your boundaries.

Praying for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Hi everyone. This feels like very difficult days ahead because things will take time. I feel so tired and fragile. I was on AD's but didn't like the feeling of them. Didn't feel like myself.

I will get through this. Any and all advice is appreciated. My main personal issue is feeling abandoned--once during the A, and now for any and all bands that come along. None of them are paying bands--they are voluntary.

How do I stay patient? How do I keep my boundaries firm when they are being met so slowly. This is excrutiating.

Have got to get the kids ready for school.
Thanks everyone.

Sandy

Well, things are moving along here. Had a nice weekend together, can tell that he is enjoying spending time with me, I am trying to keep the pressure off, no LBing etc.

H. has agreed to move to 2 bands a week (3 hours each plus performances) and wishes to stick with a 3rd band which practices every other week. This would mean 2 nights out one week and 3 nights out the other.

Problem: OW is a substitute player in the 3rd band. She is not there always--not even my H knows if she will be there as he is not the bandleader.

H. feels bad pulling out of this band as the leader, who is a great guy, will be undergoing cancer treatment and my H. feels really bad about leaving this group because of this.

My H does not believe that this contact with the OW (who he says I should not worry about any more) will jeopardize our recovery.

My concerns: (of course I am thinking the worst)(1) going out for drinks with the group after the practice/gig
(2) me being uncomfortable at shows/practices/get togethers with the band
(3) wondering "what is going on?" as in, are they AT the band at all? (during the A they would leave early and "fool around" in the parking lot but still get home on time so I never knew /suspected a thing)
(4) the OW wants sex only/romance etc. as she wants her marriage
(5) they have had Oral sex but haven't done the "deed"--I worry that this is a powerful motivator for my husband

Help! I am wavering on my boundary aren't I? I need some heavy duty 2 x 4's from everyone. Please give me some advice here.

Is No Contact always a necessity?

Sandy

Put simply?
Yes.

Thanks papermom. My H seems to think that "the worst is over" and that she is no longer a threat to me. He is quite persuasive and seems honest about it.

I'm not sure that I buy it. I know that their last love letter (gag) was in May (Mother's day) where my H. told her that he loved her more than ever and would protect her emails by trashing them so that I wouldn't find them.

Could he have changed so much since May?

He has never had absolutely no contact with her--she's always been in one band or another so I guess things could be going on still.

Help. I don't want to seem unreasonable but part of me (my gut feeling) says that any contact--even the most innocuous--is bad contact. He could have a bad day with me and then turn to her .

Sandy

Sandy, there are many others here who have more expertise than I have, and hopefully they will correct me if I give wrong advice.

Having said that, let me advise you that your H has hurt you to the core; he has shaken your world, and right now you deserve to have him respect and love you in whatever way you need so that you can see that he is putting you first. IMO, that means NO CONTACT of any kind -- if for no other reason than to show you that he is "clean" of her and is d*mned intent on proving it to you.

If you can pay your bills without the job that requires contact with her, ask him to give it up for you. If you can't pay your bills without that job, he can rake leaves (clean chimneys, babysit, wash cars, fill in the blank here) to make up the difference.

You can't heal properly worrying about his contact with her. I'd put my foot down.

PM

sandigirrl,

You got it right. She might not be a threat at this moment. However she could be back at some other time.

I thought my exW had no contact .. 6 months later she broke it behind my back ... 2 year laters they have full blown A again.

NC is a requirement, specially w/ W at the band.

Read POJA. If either of you are not enthus. 100% then there is no deal.

-rh-