BS.... what did your WS put you through?

Now this thread was not created to cause more tension. Rather it is created to kinda give a clue to some WS, xws and others what some of us BS here have undergone as a result of the A sitch.

For the BS, the A is thrust upon them. It leaves us feeling like we are put in a dark room with sharp and hurtful obstacles protruding from all angles. From the ceiling, walls and floor. We can't see what is around us, yet in order to survive we must keep moving. Sometimes when we think we are moving forward we are actually moving backward. Time and space gets distorted. Odd babbling sounds distort our senses. Now into this mix is the rest of our family and responsibilities. We clutch tightly to our loved ones. Some let us hold them, others fight us since they can not fully see the darkness that has engulfed our family. We don't dare sleep, closing our eyes at times seems worse than having them open even though we are in total darkness. The nightmares and anxiety attacks seem endless. We long to hear a comforting voice. The voice we long to hear is that of our loving spouse. Instead we are met with an angry and hurtful WS, who next to them ia an OP who in their mind has conjured up a mental picture of the BS and family as if they are some strange beast...... my story could continue but I think you all get the gist. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Here's my list:

1. Shock and despair. The above account actually came from nightmare I had that reocurred every night for about 10 weeks after the WS moved out.

2. WS left us to pay for his bills while he galavanted on a vacation with the OW and spent his family $$ on a rented room so he c/b closer to the OW....all the while claiming he needed his space.

3. I suffered a miscarriage.

4. PBR (OW) called me on the phone at 11pm one night just to tell me that she was prego. She claimed this 3X without proof and even asked for $$.

5. OW accused me of being a lesbian, having an A with my FIL, an abusive mother and wife. Threatened to turn me into the police, claimed to have sent a letter to my employer and threatened to have me fired.

6. OW would e-mail or call me to either brag or yell at me. Whenever they had a big enough fight, I would get the pleasure of her calls. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

7. We almost lost our home due to his A and his lack of financial responsibility.

8. He went through 4 jobs in 3 years. His employers even commented that his work performance suffered.

9. WS spend some downtime at the local jail due to DV charges filed against him by the police. Very out of character for my H but very much a part of the WS personality.

10. RO charges filed against him by OW w/false charges.

11. OW wrote me to send her condolences about my mother dying (BTW, my mother is still very much ALIVE). This OW was very good about putting digs into people under the false disguise of being nice.

So do I have reason to NOT like those who display a WS/OP attitude? Yep. I do.

But it doesn't mean a WS/OP can't change. They can. When they truly make those changes permanently, then healing and forgiveness can begin. To give it too far in advance is often misconstrued (by the WS/OP) as a sign to enable the A. Least that is what a WS told me (several of them, in fact).

L.

There isn't enough time, energy or will on my part to try to type out what my FWW put me through. I will try to put in in an outline for you.

- Lost my church (I was the pastor)
- Lost my pride
- Lost my trust
- Lost my innocence
- Lost my will to live
- Lost my hope (got it back now!)
- Lost my home (had to move)
- Lost my income (a very substantial one)
- Lost my friends

I lost everything that ever meant anything to me. Somehow by the grace of God and the help of Dr. Harley and this website we got through it. I still trigger quite a bit, I still have horrible thoughts, but they aren't as often. But, we are still on financial skids and trying to recover. I battle with resentment over it all. I can't help but think back to what we had and how it's all gone now and think "It's all your fault, you dirty &%^%$$ !!!" Then I remember the girl I married and how I have hopes that she would return to me. And for the most part she has, thank God!

Marital infideltiy is the most horrible damnable thing that one person can do to another. I would have rather lost an arm or leg that day as get that news that I got.

Out!

The first time I experienced the betrayal of infidelity I was pregnant with my first and only child. I had lived with her father for several years before I became pregnant, a common law marriage if you will.

He moved out when I found out, so I was left to deal with taking care of my house, my alcoholic dad a fulltime job. Not easy, to say the least when you are pregnant and your heart has been shattered into a million pieces but because of my dad and the fact that I was pregnant, I simply had to "suck it up" and get through.

We got back together a few times but his OW would show up at his gigs and was relentless in her pursuit of him, even calling me at work and telling me he had been unfaithful to her with someone else. She also told him she was making me a baby quilt because she cared so much about me and loved babies. My boss finally intervened on her phone calls and stopped them. And I finally had to get an unlisted phone number to stop her calls to our home. I quit listening to music all together back then, and quit playing the piano because he was a musician and even music broke my heart at that point knowing she was at his gigs.

I insisted he be at the birth, so the night my water broke I had to go to the bar he was playing in, stand in front of his OW and all her friends and say "my water just broke, can you take me to the hospital now".

He took me to the hospital and slept through most of my labor, woke up for the birth but then left to go back to OW. The next day I sat in the wheel chair in front of the hospital with baby in my lap waiting for him to come get me for an hour and a half, feeling like the biggest fool on the planet, but determined my baby would have a dad.

Now my daughter lives in two houses. And I no longer see the world the way I once did. I have to work for OW now, and she is married to a great guy and seems happy as pie. (what justice)

I was quite strong back then and survived, but this time because of the betrayal of my relationship with a MM (now divorced) who lied to me about it, and who I can't seem to find the strength to walk away from and this time I don't feel like I am going to survive. It is just too much in one life time to overcome, I think. But maybe it has just been a bad week. I just can't seem to find that hope anymore.

What a price to have to pay for anothers selfishness and good time. Makes no sense to me. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> It is too hard for me to think that people could be this cruel to each other so I think affairs must be evil entities of their own device.

12 days after a hysterectomy and repair to bladder, small intestine, and rectum, I was home with a catheter bag by my side when he said this former co-worker who had propositioned him in May might call and wish him a Merry Christmas -- I threatened to call her and he punched me and broke my arm. Back to the same hospital 3 weeks after the first surgery for a 1 1/2 hour surgery under general anasthesia because my ulna was broken in 7 pieces.

Next month, met with anger management therapist and told him circumstances of arm being broken. Said my H's admitting to an October 24th lunch with this woman hurt maybe 20 times more than the broken arm.

Two months later, called OW's H who got the truth out of her that they had been having an affair for 8 months.

Cherished

I agree that if I took the time to touch on everything that my WH put me through it would be a mile long post.

So I will choose one word: HE**.

A place or state of misery,torment,wickedness,destruction and turmoil.I think that sums it up for me.

Ya, long post.

OW took my Wife away from me.
Took my childs Mother away from Him
Cost me my job and a significant career opportunity
Cost me my home and the house I lived in
I considered her a friend and bent over backwards to help her out and got oh-so-very stabbed in the back.

For six months I was single parent to a very wounded and scared child.

My hopes and dreams and plans were swept away from me so quickly and thoroghly that I still cannot grasp how profoundly I was/am affected.

It cost me the absolute faith and trust I had in my partner as a Wife and Mother.

dewt

<small>[ November 27, 2004, 08:58 PM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

This is all so tragic to read. I have lost far less than all of you good people and at times am filled with uncontrollable rage and hurt over this. It is getting soooo much better but I am "not there yet". I know that in my heart of hearts I could never forgive what many of you have in the name of "marriage". That is ok though, I am glad you guys have "peace" with it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This is an easy one. My answer: in one smooth sentence, he informed that my world really didn't exist.

The affair damaged me in many ways:

1. Even though our marriage was in terrible shape, I trusted my H implicitly. I have lost my trust.

2. I lost what was left of my self-esteem. After all my husband was the one that said he wasn't interested in sex, it appears now that it was just me he wasn't interested in. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

3. Issues from my past that I thought I had worked through resurfaced. I grew up with the belief that I just wasn't good enough. I never felt special and had abandonment issues because of it. I had thought I didn't have to worry about that with my husband, but I did.

4. OW became H confidant, he discussed things in our relationship with her that he never discussed with me. He talked to her about what I did and said that hurt him over the years, yet he never showed any emotion to me. OW threw this in my face.

5. OW said things like,"every time he has sex with you, he thinks of me" Hard to get that out of your head no matter how much H denys it.

6. OW planted the seed of doubt in my mind, saying he had multiple affairs and that they still had been seeing eachother. Most of what she said didn't check out and the stories varied in content but the seed is what does the damage, the what if's.

7. I have lost most of my dreams. I can not trust that my future includes a life with my husband. Even though he says that he wants it and even though I want it. Even though he is a completely different person than he used to be, I can not relax and enjoy the trip. I am always on edge and always expecting the worst.

8. By nature I am a happy, positive person that wants to laugh and have a good time. Everytime I get knocked down, I get back up, laugh and dust myself off and go on. I am finding this difficult to do now.

I do have to believe that things will get better. I am in a much better place than I was 2 years ago and our marriage is much, much stronger. We are friends again and we are connected even more so than we were when we married 22 years ago. I am trying to find my lesson out of this and try and embrace it as a positive. I am much luckier than most and I don't ever have to worry about running into or hearing from the OW, that is impossible. Husband even views her as a person that was sent to shake up our marriage and reform it into what is was supposed to be. Hard to accept her as being a gift though.

Cath

DOUBT

It's the single most troublesome word in my new vocabulary.

DOUBT...on too many levels to count.