I am trying to choose my battles wisely, and I need some objectivity on this one, please.

I have a problem with my husband discussing me or our daughter, with ow.

Ow seems to have undue interest in our lives. She asks alot of questions, and encourages him to confide in her. She knows quite alot about my personal life.

I don't like it.

Our daughter is having a personal problem right now, and it has concerned and upset us both.

But I do not wish him to discuss this or anything else that concerns me or our daughter with ow.

I am about to call him to ask him not to discuss it with her. To not talk about us to her, period.

It might upset the apple cart, but this is important to me.

Any thoughts?

Thanks,
Shul

Shul,

While I agree that discussing you and your daughter with OW is inappropriate and exptremely offensive..it is no more so than having hot sweaty sex with her while he is married to you .

You could ask that he not..and be 100% reasonable and righteous..it just won't do any good, more likely than not.

He is so far outside of the boundaries that people who have a shred of decency and an active conscience set for themselves that calling time out/no fair is about as helpful as huddling in the fetal position eating your hair unless you have leverage of some sort on one or both of them..if you did though..I would be suprised that you would use it to end *discussions* rather than the affair.

So basically, yeah..you're right..but unless saying "please" = cutting off fingers until they comply I think you are just out of luck and chasing your tail. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Noodle

Shul,

This is what happens when you agree to share your WH with another woman, which is what you have done.

The only boundary you have at your disposal right now is Plan B, I think.

Go to Plan B now so that you have the strength, energy and clarity of mind to give your little girl 110% of you right now, she needs a mom who is whole and happy. If she is having problems she needs you, and your WH needs to face reality.

Two half parents don't make a whole.

Although I do think you are a hell of a person, you are walking blind right now. You say that you don't use sex as a manipulation tool, you offer it to your WH freely. Well that is just baloney, you use it to keep him coming back whether you want to admit that to yourself or not. And OW does the same.

You say he has trust issues with you although you have been faithful all these years, and that you are proving to him that he can count on you to always be there for him. In reality you are showing him that you cannot even be true to yourself or DD, so how does that make you trustworthy?

And you are forsaking your trust in God by not getting out of the way, as Pep said so that God can do His job and fix this broken man. It seems to me that you have become caught up in his mental illness somehow and now are an expert at making it sound like though your love and strength he will find his way home. But I think you might have it a bit backwards and it would be far healthier to use your love and strength to let him fall so that God can pick him up and heal him.

Listen to Noodle, Pep and the others who have been responding to you on the other thread. They really are making perfect sense.

You have so much to offer Shul, and so much love and goodness. I wish you would atleast consider Plan B.

Wanted to add, even a modified Plan B, where you are still on friendly terms but no more husbandly benefits while he is actively involved with OW. Maybe total darkness is not necessary and I doubt you are capable of it given the way you think he needs you because of his mental problems.

Shul,

I also think it would be helpfull for you..to learn to distinguish between a boundary and a request.

If this is a boundary,there will be a consequence for crossing it.

If it is a request, he is free to deny it and do as he likes consequence free.

Noodle

I spoke to him and asked him not to talk to her about this or anything else that has to do with us.

I reminded him that I respect his wish for me not to discuss him with the people around our community, and that I would like the same consideration.

He said 'fine' and hung up in a snit.

He wants to be in our lives, and I am willing for him to be in our lives.

I am happy that he is involved with our daughter- and I want his support in caring for her.

I haven't asked him for anything except to respect me in this one thing.

What he does is his business, and I don't interfere. I am asking him to respect our privacy.

I guess I will be doing some praying that this falls out according to Gods will.