I've been lurking and reading for awhile. I have printed out many articles for my H and MC. Some history: married for 14 yrs, together for 19, found out H had EA (PA?)Sept 03 was going on for 1 1/2 yrs, lived together I attempted to work on it for 1 yr before I moved out 3 months ago. H had continued contact with OW, we have 3 boys oldest 14 youngest 6. I only moved 1 block over, 8 houses the boys love it - very hard on me. The current problem is this past monday he told me he broke all contact with OW. (I had told him I would not even discuss anything personel with him until that was done.) His "condition" was I quit smoking. (I explained to him before that I would quit in my time - i'm cutting back now, and he was a smoker up until 2 yrs ago.) So 2 days later he does not know if there is anything to "save", etc. He comes over here often to visit, we talk on the phone alot late at night, I thought it was getting better! He said since we both had a 4 day break, we would talk more. So...he went to his dads yesterday to visit his sister that came to town...she lives 4 hrs away and is not supportive of our marriage. He is now at her house, 4 hrs away with 2 of the boys. My oldest did not want to leave me alone on the holidays - which gave us some great one on one time. He is due back tomorrow afternoon, so what should I do? We have a MC on this coming friday. Do I break contact again, kids only conversation. Or continue "talks" with him. By the way, he knows that I'm bringing up that I feel I deserve to know what happened, details that I feel comfortable with about the OW and him. He flat out refuses. Sorry so long, but I need Help!!

AR,

The direction you take depends on where you really want to go.

I'll just give you a few points to consider.

1) I'll quit having an affair if you quit smoking is absolute garbage and a transparent attempt to assert his will in the matter. This is one issue in which he does not get to have *conditions* if he wants to remain married to you.

2) I would go to MC, but I would refuse to discuss anything with him outside of MC.

3) Whether you have a *right* to the details of his affair [and he has just tipped his cards, btw] is irrelevent..if he wants to be married to you, he will meet your needs. Period.

4) It sounds like you are without a plan..just spinning out really. If you want to end an affair, I would execute first plan A [become a student of it] then plan B. Until you learn the dynamics of an affair you really do not know how to approach this situation with an expectation of success.

Noodle