I'm really embarrassed about writing this post. 5 weeks ago I found out my husband had a 3 month affair with a coworker. I spoke to the OW and my husband, and they said they only kissed. They sent several emails, but that it was over, and my husband loved me.

My husband and I have spent the last 5 weeks going to marriage counseling, crying every night, praying together, talking, arguing, sleeping together, trying to heal our marriage. I came to this forum asking for advice, and I didn't listen to it.

My MC told me not to tell the OW's spouse because it was not my problem, it was hers. Daily, I agonized over the details of the affair, and none of it made sense to me. I kept asking and asking. My husband would give me a little different or more information every time I asked him, so it kept me yearning for more. It's been horrible.

Last Friday he told me he would leave because I couldn't get over it, and I actually begged him to stay! I didn't want to hurt the children. I really thought about committing suicide. I prayed and prayed for guidance.

That night, while he was on an overnight hunting trip with my sons, I decided to somehow get online and look at his cell phone bill. I was able to log on once, and never again, but I saw that he had lied about his calling her the day I found out about the affair. He said he had never called her, and he actually had called her 22 times. I knew then they had time to corroborate their stories.

That's when I told myself that the OW's spouse should know. I called him and asked him if he had any suspicions, and he said no. I told him the information I had about their out of town kisses, and he said that now that I had clued him in, he really thought that my husband and his wife had had sex. Their intimacy had been strained for the last 3 months.

The next day when my husband returned, I asked him again about the calls, and he lied and told me he didn't call her. Then I confronted him with the bill, and he sobbed and sobbed. He was so sorry; he had already lied about the calls, so he couldn't tell me the truth because it would hurt me too much... He even got a friend to come over and beg me to forgive him.

At that point, I told him to come clean with EVERYTHING! If I found out one detail that was different, his bags would be out on the street. Again, he sobbed and told me I knew everything. He loved me and never loved her. He could never sleep with another woman. He was not capable of that.

5 minutes later, I got a call from the OW"s spouse. He wanted to talk to my husband, and I gave him the phone. My husband said, "Yes, yes, my wife knows all the details. I'm very, very sorry about what I did. There's no excuse for what I did, but I want to apologize from the bottom of my heart.

My husband gave the phone to me because the OW"s spouse wanted to talk to me, and that's when I found out. The OW"s spouse said that your husband just confirmed to me that they had sex on 2 occasions when out of town. I actually said no, they just kissed. He said no, your husband just confirmed that they had sex on 2 occasions and that you knew everything. I said aloud, "so they did have sex?" In the background my husband was mouthing, "no, she's lying; we didn't have sex." I asked the OW's spouse in whose room did they have sex, and he said once in hers and once in his. I thanked him for telling me and I hung up.

Only then did he start admitting that he slept with her. He was crying, sobbing, begging for my forgiveness. He said he felt dirty and disgusting so he couldn't tell me. He said he knew I would kick him out if I knew the truth. I told him had he told me the truth 5 weeks ago, I would not have kicked him out. Now he had to go.

He begged and begged, and I stood firm. He talked to the children and left. He called later, and I told him he had to go to counseling to fix himself before I could ever make a commitment to healing our marriage. He says he can't live without me. He's going to apply for a transfer out of that particular office. Last night he wrote me 3 letters about how much he loves me, went to confession and was blessed by a healing priest, and this morning he dropped off bacon, donuts and coffee before going to church.

When we were going through the 5 weeks of more lies, I showed my husband this website. When people used the word "lover", he would say she was not my lover; you can't look at the negative stuff on the internet. Those people don't know what they're talking about They're just filled with anger over their situations. Our situation is not like theirs. I didn't sleep with the woman. He even told the marriage counselor about my visiting this website, and she told me to stop. So I did.

But, you guys were absolutely on target. For the first time in 5 weeks, I actually feel at some level of peace. I finally got the whole story. I even got him to tell me details of their lovemaking. The OW's spouse had told me, so I knew if he was telling me the truth or not. He said for about a month, he actually thought he was in love with her. He told her he loved her and everything. But, he still can't tell me why he did it. I think he really has some deep issues.

I'm so, so, so hurt, but at least I can deal with the truth now, not more lies.

Any advice on how to go on at this point would be so greatly appreciated. Again, I'm sorry I doubted this site. Part of me wanted to know the truth and am glad I finally know it, but part of me wants to crawl into a big deep hole and bury myself.

Thanks,
srdd

Hey girl. Sorry all the MBers were "on target," in this situation. Infidelity SUCKS. BUT, you are in a good place for personal healing, as well as healing of your M.

My advice? Invite him back home with the understanding you will both be doing MC for the foreseeable future. Your M does not need more seperateness to heal ~ it needs you both to pull together as a team and heal yourselves.

I understand you feel it is HIS issue, and that he needs to FIX himself. However, for whatever reason, your M was vulnerable to infidelity. That is something you will both have to journey into together, to rebuild.

Perhaps he will need IC. BUT, you both need MC.

Now you know the truth. It is liberating. And the OW's H knows the truth. That gives not good odds for the continuation of the A. You now have the opportunity to begin the recovery of your M. Do not waste a single day, IMO.

Perhaps you need a new MC. I don't know if you will trust this particular one again, after she lead you in the opposite direction your "gut" was telling you to go. But that is a call you have to make.

Your H seems to be all about making amends. Let that work in your favor. Take this opportunity to learn communication skills, what a healthy M looks like.

I thought I had all this. I understood intellectually that my M was vulnerable for my H to have an A, but I didn't understand HOW.

After 8 months of MC (and our first one didn't work out, either - but our second was great), I realize that H and I didn't know much about M. Much about good healthy communication. Now it all seems so clear, how we were vulnerable to a M crisis.

Hang in there, keep posting, and you are bound to hear from some very wise people.

Spidey

Hi Srdd,

I'm sorry that you are hurting so much, but thank goodness that you finally have the truth... now you know what you're dealing with.

I agree with Spidey... you should ask your H to move back in and commit to finding a pro-marriage MC. I'd give serious consideration before I went back to your old MC... Your gut instincts are usually right, and if your MC advised you to go against your gut, then she/he might not be a good fit for you and your H...

Your situation looks very promising... now that the OW's H knows... that will help keep the A from being a secret any longer. I'd just caution you to take things slowly and watch your H's ACTIONS, not his words... in time, after he has consistently acting in a trustworthy manner, you can slowly start giving him more of your trust... Until then, guard your heart and protect your love for your H.

A good book that really helped me as a BS was Torn Asunder by Dave Carder... get a copy of this book and see if your H will read it with you. Our MC gave us this book and it really helped both of us deal with the many issues that we had...

Again, now that you know the truth, you can start to rebuild... it won't be easy, but you can do it...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Have hope, but stay vigilant. I went through several 'heart-rending" full confessions and promises to make amends and 'do the right thing', only to find out they were just to continue C and there was yet more to disclose. He wanted to make it easy on both of us - only to do even more hurt and damage to ALL of us.

They can't help it - they lie - it's not only a habit, and even exhilerating to them, but it is self-preserving to them. Truth is too devasting (you've already witnessed this) and takes a lot of effort. He prefers to see it the way he tells it, rather than the way it is.

You might prefer that, too, so be careful. I know I prefered to believe, but fortunately, kept looking to see and watched his ACTIONS, not his words.

A new MC is probably a good idea, IMO, but that is entirely up to you....

Hi,

I am sorry you are in so much pain. I have been where you are and it is no fun. I also kicked my FWH out the door the night I found out. I hadn't found MB until a few months later. The most important thing you can do for your M right now is get him back home. You can't work on the M with him out of the house. Even if you sleep in separate rooms. Make sure you get the book Surviving an Affair and His needs/Her needs both by Dr. Harley. He also has a ton of information on this website. Read it forward and backwards. I learned so much about affairs from this site. I also learned that even though my H had issues within himself, WE also had issues in our M. When the WS has issues and the M is suffering it is perfect breeding ground for an A. SAA will help you feel better about yourself and give you the plan A and plan B lowdown. It doesn't look like you will be having to work towards Plan B because he is sorry and remorseful. But Plan A is what you should be doing right now. Along with the NC letter, him changing jobs to get away from her and so on.

If nothing else I can say you will feel differently about all of this in 6 months. I absolutely almost killed myself, I called my mother and asked her to take me to the hospital because the pain was so bad. I did have to move to the plan B and what I learned about myself was that I was co-dependent badly. I now know that I could live alone, by myself and have no problems with that at all. I am my own person now with my own identity instead of just Mrs. FWH. You will get to a better place eventually. It is hard to let all that pain go and move forward but it will happen. I still have bad days. But like you I have children and I look to god to reassure me. Good Luck. Also you might want to consider getting on some anti-depressants for a few months. It really does take the edge off and help you think more clearly about things and look to the future more easily.

HUGS!

HINY

So sorry you're here, but I agree 100% with SS and HINY...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The most important thing you can do for your M right now is get him back home. You can't work on the M with him out of the house </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Truer words have never been spoken. Take it from those that have been there.

I too threw H out on DDAY....and I didn't find out the WHOLE truth for another 5 weeks, but after all the dirty laundry came out, and I wanted OUT.. he ended the A for good, pretty much had the same amount of remorse your H is showing.

But the truth is I didn't feel ready for him to move home. If I had allowed him to stay here, once Dday struck....I can assure you WE would have never recovered.

It takes a leap of faith on your part this time. If you BELIEVE your H is truly remorseful, and will take whatever steps necessary to end contact and rebuild the M.... and THAT is what you want. Invite him back home.

Lay down a PLAN together, but avoid laying down rules. Rules are for children...this should also include no biconditional rules... IF you do this..THEN..I'll do that...so on and so forth.

AGREE on a recovery PLAN. Take it slow...and be gentle with yourself...this is a hard road for the first 6 months.

Take Care

Hi Srdd

Look I’ll be upfront right away because I will understand if you would rather not have a FWW comment again right now. I guess your heart is just feels torn apart right now isn’t it.

I just want to let you know that the lies your H told is VERY standard for a WS. I lied or simply would not answer when my H asked me questions and I just didn’t realise that each time I did this I drove a nail right into his heart.
My h went through a period of seriously considering divorce and I went through a period of saying he should and tried to drive him away because I was so ashamed and yes, felt so dirty, soiled.
Still do actually.

But H wants to work on the M and wants to forgive and its hard for me to accept that. I want it but seem to have trouble accepting it. Expect similar from your H apparently it’s a normal reaction to some extent or the other with most WS.
I do have a IC/MC with my H and without her I’d have gone insane or been separated or both.

Using the IC/MC & Mbers here I have learnt so much about me, why I do things how I made it ok to cheat on my H, it doesn’t make sense but it was what I thought back then, crazy stuff. I think your H will need it. He sounds so familiar to myself, very remorseful straight off but totally confused about why and how he could have done it.

Yes I think you should have him back and Plan A him, find out both your En’s agree to POJA all those things here and a MC is a must!! Its no use being remorseful or sorry & just want it to go away. I did that & again it just hurt my H more. He must be prepared to ans ALL your questions over & over & over until your no longer need to ask.
Both of you will have to change to make sure you don’t fall into the same trap where your M is vulnerable .

Really hope you go well on this. Sounds hopeful.

My husband just returned from church to pick up the children to go and visit his parents for the day. We weren't able to spend Thanksgiving Day with them, so we had planned to go today. He told me he had to talk to me privately, so we went into a room without the kids.

He told me everything about the affair. How they met secretly, how they kissed, when it really started, etc. He told me he had to tell me everything even though it may not do any good. He's working on making himself a better man.

I just feel numb. I'm glad I know, but I just feel numb.

srdd

Numb...
it's all part of the initial shock stages.
That's why it's extremely important not to make any life changing decisions right now.

This is going to take time, and a lot of effort on both parts to move forward.

Many BS think they can sit back on their laurels on watch the WS do a lot of the work, but that's the furthest thing from the truth.

The BS..has to put in FAR more work now. The worst part is that you're trying to deal with details that took many months to transpire, into a short time to process. The WS is there, they get to digest as they occur. Then this great big box of lies is dropped on our doorstep...we spend the next few months, going through the debris, trying to make sense of it.

There is no sense to be made. There is only one place to go...and that that's UP...it's only your decision which way you'll go UP.... with or without your FWS.

Hugs to you...I know it's rough.

<small>[ November 28, 2004, 10:12 AM: Message edited by: betrayedinjersey ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by srdd:
<strong> He told me everything about the affair. How they met secretly, how they kissed, when it really started, etc. He told me he had to tell me everything even though it may not do any good. He's working on making himself a better man.

I just feel numb. I'm glad I know, but I just feel numb. srdd </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Srdd, Like I said earlier, IMHO, I think your situation is VERY hopeful!

Accept your H's words and face value, and watch his actions... the longer that his actions match his words, the easier it will be for you to slowly give him more of your trust...

The numbness will pass.... wishing the best for you and your H...

Semper Fi,
RIF

srdd,

Pardon the medical analogy but there are two malignacies that you already have dealt with. The WH malignancy called deceit and the BS's malignancy called denial. It appears that both have been cut out and I am very happy that this happened so quickly for you. Yes, it happened VERY quickly.

Now on to the really dangerous but unavoidable chemotherapy called recovery. Be prepared, it often is much more painful than what you have already gone through. The treatments sometimes make your R MUCH worse and at times you will want to stop and let the hand of God take over. Gather strength from those around you so that they can give you courage during those moments. You will ALWAYS have these good and wise people of MB forums to turn to.

Best of luck and our prayers go with you.

Thank you so much for all of the encouraging words. My husband just called and I told him I would go to MC with him next week. He seemed ecstatic. I don't want to make any big decisions too soon. I know this sounds stupid, but I feel if I let him off the hook, he won't really hit bottom, and a real recovery won't happen. Does that make sense?

5 weeks ago, he told me he had hit bottom, and that he was a changed man. We know that wasn't true. He was still lying to me.

I also don't want to short change myself. When I read the post about codependence, it really stood out for me. I loved depending on him. I didn't have to make decisions. But that also hurt me because when I did tell him my ideas and thoughts on our marriage and possible temptations, he didn't listen because I didn't do things like that on a regular basis, and I had never made him listen to me before.

Any advice?

Thanks,
srdd

I have a question. I was looking at the posting about faking orgasms, and it made me start wondering about what my husband told me about the sex with the OW.

He said he couldn't get sexually aroused very much, and that he couldn't have an orgasm with her, so he stopped and they just cuddled and slept together the rest of the night.

He said said he felt too guilty, but then why did he cuddle and sleep with her all night when he had his own hotel room?

Bewildered,

srdd

I think that you will have better luck with your marriage if he is at home with you. See if he realizes that he can never again have contact with the OW.

As far as the SF with with OW, who knows? He may be trying to spare your feelings, or he might be telling the truth. That is the problem with A's and all the lying that goes along with them. It will take honesty on his part and time for you to trust him again.

But many here have gone on to have a much better marriage. You can too.

Sorry that your MC advises against this site. Maybe it would be good to check it out. Also we could help your husband.

I guess my next question is how do I find out about how he feels about no contact with the other woman. For 5 weeks now he has gone to the office on and off because he is in sales. He says he totally ignores her.

Although, he did say on one occasion she came to his cubicle and asked him not to end their relationship and that she felt like she was losing her best friend.

He said that he couldn't ever talk, see, or email her again because he was fighting to keep his best friend. He advised her to go to marriage counseling for herself.

He did tell me he will go on Monday and tell his boss about the affair and tell him he can no longer work with this woman. He could work out of another office, but once a month for meetings, he would have to go to the main office. That means he still has the possibility for contact, but then again, he always has the possibility for contact if he or she chooses to.

Should I go with him to the meeting with his boss? There's always the chance that he backs out and doesn't actually tell him.

I just spoke with the OW's husband on the phone. He was the one who enlightened me about the sex. Since my husband told me more details today because he wanted to come clean, I called the OW's spouse with those details. He did not know them because those details weren't agreed to be divulged initially by the WS and the OW.

The affair actually began sooner than both of them admitted. There were numerous lunches, love talk, making out, etc. My husband said he tried to end it several times, but she was so aggressive that he fell back into it. He said he felt like he was in love with 2 people at the same time. She said that was okay because she has twins, and she loves them both. (Ha! good answer)

I really feel so much better about telling the OW's spouse. I feel that I have someone in my corner who wants to know the truth, too. Is there any danger in relaying information back and forth?

Thanks,
srdd

My WH's OW's husband and I have been talking back and forth a couple times a week for over a year and a half. That is how we both got most of our information.

The downside is that once OW and WH figured out we were talking, they doubled up on the secrecy. But OW's husband and I have been a great support for each other.

SRDD:

Sorry for your pain. I think your instincts are correct and I would make your WAYWARD HUSBAND PROVE BY HIS ACTIONS THAT HE CAN CHANGE. His words mean absolutely nothing....NOTHING AT ALL. There are soooo many false recoveries on here b/c the BS is so anxious to get the WH home at all costs and inevitably there are further false recoveries. The only reason your husband confessed is that he got caught. He is so sorry.......... that he got CAUGHT !! Even when faced with a last ditch plea to come clean, he DID NOT do it. I don't really have any advice for you with recovering your marriage but YOU HAVE TO RECOVER yourself. I think you will get another chance to "win your WH back", and so him that he can be happy with you and that you can meet ALL his EN's and you can show him extreme admiration, etcccc, . yada yada yada. That is a fact. I feel very sorry for you, b/c I am pretty sure you will have him back in the house by next week in an effort at "recovery" and he will not have really suffered the true consequences of his actions. Either way, Good luck with your husband. This scenario you are in is all to common here. I can write the next chapter for you. SiGH... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I am sorry that I cannot be as positive as other posters who are pleading with you to take your WH back. I cannot not do that in good faith, I just can't. Good luck once again.

My lemony goodness friend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I don't think you need to put in every post that: "I don't really have any advice for you with recovering your marriage..."

I mean, hey, you are just expressing your opinion and I think most here respect that. Like you mentioned in another post last night, the one you agreed with most, support does not mean cheerleading, it means an occassional 2x4 to straighten out those of us who are blinded by the BS fog.

Just one guys opinion.
MIF?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by marriage is forever?:
<strong> My lemony goodness friend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I don't think you need to put in every post that: "I don't really have any advice for you with recovering your marriage..."

MIF? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MIF:

Thanks for the post, but doing this at least ensures somehwhat that I don't get another moral majority fanatic in here telling me I am not offering "marriage building" support. There are quite a few cheerleaders here who are just seething to get a post in on this. At least if I qualify that I am NOT giving marriage recovery advice they have to at least simmer down some. I think it is pathetic that you cannot give a dissenting opinion around here without being called "unsupportive". This is why I have cut back on my posting this past week or so. I still suffer from an itchy trigger finger with respect to my 2 X 4's, but I am battling it. Uggh, I feel better now..LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Lemonman -

I love your posts. You and I are exact opposites - posters can read my response and yours, and have both sides right there. Please keep up your "right to the point" posts.