Michael,

First of all, it's important to know what validating is & why it's so important in talking to someone. It lets the person speaking know they've been heard. It acknowledges that the speaker has a right to speak his/her mind. Not necessarily that you agree w/what they're saying, in fact, most times, you won't agree w/what they're saying, but the validation is necessary in order to get the point across that you indeed are listening to that person.

What you do is show some appreciation for the speaker's positive intentions & efforts & you recognize the value of their issues/feelings to them.

Let me give an example:

In my victim/offender program, I might hear a statement such as, "If I ever see those kids again, I'm gonna skin them alive & hang 'em in my garage." Do I agree w/that statement? NO WAY! But validation would be, I can see that you have a strong willingness to hold children accountable for their actions. Not agreeing, yet letting this person know that he's heard. You'll get a better response & maybe tone down the anger from his part a little bit.

It's finding that "golden nugget" in something someone says, whether you agree w/it or not. Take something positive out of something negative they say or even something positive, reemphasizing it so they know they've been heard.

How about you post something your W has said to see if you can validate the thought? It sounds like your W needs to know that she's heard by you. This technique could help you practice your listening skills & be able to communicate w/her better.

Love in Christ,
Y

Standing,

Ok i'll give it a try.

We had a really good day yesterday until around 11:30 when I asked her if she was going to be taking a shower. " Always showers if were going to have sex" and she made the comment. Oh yes, don't you worry Michael your going to get your P**** because thats all you care about. and then while she was running her shower she made the comment that it's her wifely duty to perform for me sexually.

I told her that was an unfair statement and that she was the one that had mentioned a sexually charged night of bliss and now she was turning it around on me. All of this wa said sarcasticlly of course on her part.

She then said " Oh we must not forget your emtional needs and sex is your number one right now"

Keep in mind that she claims her A was an EA and that the sex she did have was because OM needed it, she was filling his sexual need.

And of course I dropped an LB and said well thats great, you don't mind filling his needs but minbe are wrong.

I have a tough time hearing what she is saying because it always feels like an attack on me or the kids.

To be honest i'm not even sure if the two expamples I gave are what your looking for.

hello

An example of paraphrasing what your W was saying to you -- I hear you telling me that you feel I only care about you sexually.

Validating, and this hard to do b/c of how sarcastic the comment was -- let's try to find the "golden nugget" in her response.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> she made the comment that it's her wifely duty to perform for me sexually. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"It means a lot that you are trying to make an effort to fulfill my needs. Thank you."

Sound crazy for what she's saying to you? You bet. But it makes her feel heard. It makes her see that you understand her. That you're really listening to what she's saying. And that you don't chastise her for feeling the way she feels at that moment.

That's just an example. It takes a while to put it into practice. It's also very hard to do. Especially when you're in the middle of this rollercoaster. You'll find your way. You'll learn. You'll better be able to communicate w/your W.

Can you try to paraphrase what your W said here: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Oh we must not forget your emtional needs and sex is your number one right now" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and then try to find that "golden nugget" in that statement. Something to validate how she's feeling?

I know it's hard to do this when you're smack dab in the middle of a situation, but I think the more you put it into practice in other conversations, you will be able to use it in conversations w/your W.

Love in Christ,
Y

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StandingTogether:
<strong> An example of paraphrasing what your W was saying to you -- I hear you telling me that you feel I only care about you sexually.

You make this sound so easy...

Validating, and this hard to do b/c of how sarcastic the comment was -- let's try to find the "golden nugget" in her response.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> she made the comment that it's her wifely duty to perform for me sexually. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"It means a lot that you are trying to make an effort to fulfill my needs. Thank you."

Sound crazy for what she's saying to you? You bet. But it makes her feel heard. It makes her see that you understand her. That you're really listening to what she's saying. And that you don't chastise her for feeling the way she feels at that moment.

That's just an example. It takes a while to put it into practice. It's also very hard to do. Especially when you're in the middle of this rollercoaster. You'll find your way. You'll learn. You'll better be able to communicate w/your W.

Can you try to paraphrase what your W said here: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Oh we must not forget your emtional needs and sex is your number one right now" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and then try to find that "golden nugget" in that statement. Something to validate how she's feeling?

I appreciate you trying to understand my emtional needs? Thank you?

I know it's hard to do this when you're smack dab in the middle of a situation, but I think the more you put it into practice in other conversations, you will be able to use it in conversations w/your W.

Love in Christ,
Y </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ November 28, 2004, 08:17 PM: Message edited by: Mschluter ]</small>

Did your post get lost? What did you want to say?

Love in Christ,
Y

I thought I quoted what you had said but it copied all of your post....
LOL I don't know how to pull what you said from your post into mine..


I don't get the paraphrasing and the listening technique..

I need help to hear what she is really saying..

Michael,

Read your post, but I have to cook dinner now for the kiddies. I'll be on later to give you some examples to see if you can paraphrase them for me. The only way to do it is just to practice it.

Love in Christ,
Y

MS,

Please post the conversation you & your W had so we can try some paraphrasing & validation techniques to work on your listening skills.

Let's try to paraphrase what she's saying here: Oh we must not forget your emtional needs and sex is your number one right now . Tell me EXACTLY what she said using this statement even though you don't agree w/it. Repeat back to me in your own words what she said to you.

Let's try to start w/paraphrasing & then we can work on the validation.

Hugs & Love in Christ,
Y

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let's try to paraphrase what she's saying here: Oh we must not forget your emtional needs and sex is your number one right now . Tell me EXACTLY what she said using this statement even though you don't agree w/it. Repeat back to me in your own words what she said to you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok here goes.

What I heard from my wife was: I just don't enjoy having sex with you anymore but you think I should because it's your En right now.

Today when I confronted her about breaking nc , she denied it until I told her my Buddy the PI had a tape with time and date stamnp proving it has not been 16 day's since last contact but just 11.. Of course she denied it and I told her find, by the time she gets home from lunch I will have tape in hand, Five minutes later she came up to me and said sorry for lying and that it has only been 11 day's, And then she asks me are you mad? I told her know just disapointed that she would lie to me and not tell me sooner.

She came up to me before leaving for work and told me, You should be proud at least I told you the truth, In my heart I felt like saying " the only reason the truth came out was because I had proof" but instead I bit my tongue and told her I was proud of her going 11 day's. She has been warned by cps that if she has contact with Om she could lose parental rights of the children, I almost think thats what she wants so she can be with Om and not worry about the kids she gave birth too.


GRRRRRRR

Michael,

In that statement, where does it say that she doesn't enjoy having sex w/you? I didn't see that anywhere. Paraphrasing is taking the statement & not reading anything into it at all. Just repeating exactly what she said. What she said was this:

Your #1 need is SF.

Period. This is her opinion. Is it true? Is your #1 need SF?

Love in Christ,
Y

StandingTogether,

Yes when I took the En questionaire it turned out to be my #1 , In part because I feel like I need to reclaim some ground that has been taken from me by the Om..


And she made the statement it's her wifely duty, that to me sounds a lot like I don't want to.

It's funny, because she says all the mean things the next day or even before we have sx. and then while were making love she tells me how good I make her feel and how much she enjoys it.

Then the very next day, I look for validation on my performance and she say's yes it was good you never had a problem in that area, but I only did it because it's my wifely duty

Standing said: Let's try to paraphrase what she's saying here: Oh we must not forget your emtional needs and sex is your number one right now . Tell me EXACTLY what she said using this statement even though you don't agree w/it. Repeat back to me in your own words what she said to you.

The tone of voice when she said this will put a lot of meaning into these words as I'm sure everyone can see. Granted she didn't say the words that she didn't like enjoy sex, but the sound in her voice could have been saying exactly that. Or at least resenting the fact that she has to perform as part of her "wifely duties".

Course I could be way off here.

No your right on....


I hope God can forgive all sin's..


I feel so alone and empty.

<small>[ December 04, 2004, 12:01 AM: Message edited by: Mschluter ]</small>

Michael you are not alone and you can and will survive this crisis in your life. Many a BS have felt as you have but all is not lost. You have those around you who love you and you love them. Work and live for them. God does also.

Michael, your feelings are very common to many a BS. Feelings of worthlessness is heaped upon us by the WS either directly or indirectly. The problem is not with you but with her. She will have to live with the fact that she wished you harm. She will have to ask for your forgiveness if she expects to be forgiven.

She can't do that if you do yourself harm. Your children need their father to help them through this rough time and continue to be there for them.

Hope you are getting at least 1/2 of this message. A few years ago we had a suicide watch scare on an MBer in England. I personally had to call Scotland Yard (as instructed) to have them check on her safety. She was safe for that night and was able to live past that incident. See it is possible. So please, please don't do anything you or your family will regret, ok?

L.

Thank you Orchid

standing,

where are u