I've learned a few things, especially in the last few days, that I just want to throw out here. Take them for what they're worth:

* Even though you are going through a lot of pain as a BS, you still have an enormous capacity to cause pain for your spouse. I think it's easier to live in anger and "self-rightousness" than it is to feel the hurt that we all feel. While focussing on the anger and fear, we don't necessarily have to pay attention to the pain. This is the mind's way of dealing with some things and it's okay. Just don't act out of that anger all of the time.

* Remember what love is and what love isn't. It is easy for me to get caught up focussing on the A ending, and rightfully so, but don't get so caught up that you forget that you're doing all of this because you love your spouse.

* Don't focus on the rain so much that you're unable to see the sun peak out of the clouds. Roman tried teaching me this and I wasn't listening. My W has made a lot of effort in ending the A and taking steps to help heal our M. I think I have been in that A-stopping mode for so long, that I wasn't ready to see this.

I love and respect my W, regardless of the mistakes she has made. I lied to my W and betrayed her even though I didn't have an A. I lied to her about some of the things that I had done in an effort to stop the A.

I found out that I had betrayed her. I had lied to her. I had made her feel all of the things that the A made me feel. I regret it.

I think we can move past this, but I just wanted to put all of this out there. If no one reads it, fine. But just beware that you, a BS, can damage your M while working to save it. Even with the best of intentions. Don't get so caught up in the idea of the "crusade" you're on. Fight the good fight, but remember not to damage the prize that you're fighting for in the process, your spouse and your M.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by rykon:
<strong> I've learned a few things, especially in the last few days, that I just want to throw out here. Take them for what they're worth:

* Even though you are going through a lot of pain as a BS, you still have an enormous capacity to cause pain for your spouse. I think it's easier to live in anger and "self-rightousness" than it is to feel the hurt that we all feel. While focussing on the anger and fear, we don't necessarily have to pay attention to the pain. This is the mind's way of dealing with some things and it's okay. Just don't act out of that anger all of the time.

* Remember what love is and what love isn't. It is easy for me to get caught up focussing on the A ending, and rightfully so, but don't get so caught up that you forget that you're doing all of this because you love your spouse.

* Don't focus on the rain so much that you're unable to see the sun peak out of the clouds. Roman tried teaching me this and I wasn't listening. My W has made a lot of effort in ending the A and taking steps to help heal our M. I think I have been in that A-stopping mode for so long, that I wasn't ready to see this.

I love and respect my W, regardless of the mistakes she has made. I lied to my W and betrayed her even though I didn't have an A. I lied to her about some of the things that I had done in an effort to stop the A.

I found out that I had betrayed her. I had lied to her. I had made her feel all of the things that the A made me feel. I regret it.

I think we can move past this, but I just wanted to put all of this out there. If no one reads it, fine. But just beware that you, a BS, can damage your M while working to save it. Even with the best of intentions. Don't get so caught up in the idea of the "crusade" you're on. Fight the good fight, but remember not to damage the prize that you're fighting for in the process, your spouse and your M. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I read your post. I would agree. I have tried so hard and my wife had a slip up Fri. night where she called the OM. I was devastated by this and my anger got the best of me and we had a HUGE LB session Sat. and another this morning. I did my share of busting down what I have tried so hard to build back up the past 2 months.

I do love my W and want our M to work. I don't want to be a doormat in the process, however and when I feel I am getting walked on I lash out.

MIF?