Okay, I have been lurking here for several months and here is my story. My husband left going on five months ago. At that time, as far as I know there wasn't an OP involved. It was just the same old sad cliche of I'm not happy yadda yadda yadda... And as far as I know there still isn't anybody...repeat AS FAR AS I KNOW... but I certainly wouldn't be suprised if there was and have prepared myself as fully as I can to find out there is.

At this point, does it really matter though? Do the MB concepts still apply? Can I implement them on the assumption that there is an OP and would they be effective even if there isn't? Am I making any sense?

And also how would you suggest implementing a Plan A long distance (he is living out of state)when there is nearly zero contact and absolutely zero personal contact. Or is it too late for that? How can reestablish some sort of dialogue without looking clingy?

starrynite.

Welcome to MB, and yes the MB concepts, except for Plan A/Plan B, do apply on a walk away spouse. Even if there is no affair involved, there is still mistrust on the part of one or both spouses, and the MB concepts can certainly help in rebuilding trust and healing a marriage.

TMCM

I am a FWS, had a 5 month EA. My wife and I split up. I posted a question on here about plan A/B and was told I couldnt because it was for the BS.

Due to other issues I didnt do plan B but i did do pretty close to a plan A against what I was told on here. ITS WORKING!!

So yes I do think what you can learn on here applies.

starrynite,

Yes, the whole MB concept is about creating in-love and keeping it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . If your SO lost love for you, in-love could be created by you and actually 99% is your responsibility. SO only needs to let you fillin his ENs.

You have to establish contact. Don't talk about R at all ... as in plan A, unless he starts it.

john3479,
Yes, there is no plan A/B for WS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . However the process is the same. FWS need to end A, NC w/ OP, follow 4 rules of recovery ... keep trying as an ammend. At one point you need to end the life sentence of your mistake. You are the only one could do that since you have to live with that decision.

-rh-

Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover.

On the other hand, if the betrayed spouse approaches the wayward spouse with respect and thoughtfulness, the cruelty and self-indulgence of the affair is much easier for the wayward spouse to understand. And once the wayward spouse's mistake is acknowledged, it's much easier for him or her to take the first step toward recovery by agreeing to never see or talk to the lover again.

In these negotiations for total separation, the causes of the affair should be addressed. Since one of these causes is usually unfulfilled emotional needs, the betrayed spouse should express a willingness to meet those needs after the affair has ended. Another common cause is a wayward spouse's failure to take the betrayed spouse's feelings into account. The betrayed spouse's inconsiderate behavior sometimes leads the wayward spouse to believe that he or she has the right to return thoughtlessness with thoughtlessness by having an affair. Willingness of the betrayed spouse to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward resolving the issue of thoughtlessness.

A third possible cause of an affair is a lifestyle where spouses spend much of their leisure time apart from each other, and form leisure-time friendships with those of the opposite sex. A plan to avoid being away from each other overnight and making each other favorite leisure-time companions goes a long way toward creating a passionate marriage that is essentially affair-proof.

In general, a betrayed spouse's effort to encourage the wayward spouse to end the affair should address all the root causes of the affair, and offer a solid plan for marital recovery. It should not be one-sided, however. The plan should make the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse equally responsible for following the overall plan.

Change wayward spouse to spouse, and OP to abusive family. Bingo!!!!!!!

The rest of it still applies as written.

Lets face it, other then the A issues plan A talks about, we should all be in plan A every day. Its about making you spouse feel wanted a loved by YOU. Working out the problems of the marriage.

Thanks, John. Do you have any suggestions on what would be a good way to begin establishing some contact? At this point, we really have very little to discuss, except for the kids and finances and so far there has been little to discuss even on that end. He has been good about contributing to the finances regularly up until now and my kids are all teenagers so he makes arrangements to see and keeps up contact with them independent of me.

I was thinking about suggesting that he spend xmas here with us (he took the kids for tgiving (maybe stay with friends in town) but to be honest I am not sure if I am ready for that. It would be painful for me, I still am hurt and afraid to trust him...and would that be too much too soon for him?

I am sorry to bombard you with questions, but I am getting desperate. We are fast approaching the 6 mo mark and I feel like if I don't take some action soon, it will be too late. I did send him a email a few weeks ago telling him that he needed to start thinking about either fishing or cutting bait so to speak. He has not yet filed for a D or S, but has encouraged me in the past to do it. I told him I would not do it. That this is what he wanted and it was up to him to take the initiative in that respect.

Any suggestions welcome.