Hello again. Well to update a little WH has been coming home to sleep at night with me.We had a nice Thanksgiving at his mom's with all the family there. Yes they all know about his affair and are behind me and our marriage 100%. We took turns feeding each other and laughing at wisecracks we tossed back and forth.Then the trouble started.He got a phone call when we were about to leave and it sounded like a woman yelling in the background. He was very terse during the call and hung up abruptly. His sister asked him who was that? he said oh, this one guy. i'm not 100% sure but i thought it might be OW. i got real quiet after that and we were on our way by some friends of his when tears started to pour down my face. i asked WH to take me home i had a headache. he said i know whats wrong with you, you want to look at my phone? he tried to show me his phone and said call the number on it. i said im not calling anyone besides i seen you fiddling with it before you handed it to me. hesays everything is going great what the hell is wrong with you now?i said why do you have to ask? my problem is OW. nothing interesting happened at his friends , but when we were driving home i couldnt stop crying, silently of course.we got to my house and i said thanks drive carefully bye! and ran inside and cried my heart out.How the hell am i supposed to act like nothings wrong when this whore is still in the picture? so he calls me up 10 minutes later and asks ok whats the matter? and i let it all out. how i cant continue on like this that hes driving me insanethat he had no heart to keep doing this to me. he said im not doing anything to you. i said i want that ***** GONE! he said as always i might add he would end it "soon" that he was coming home just be patient. i said either you end it or ill call her up. he said thats what you want for us to divorce fine you got it and hung up on me. 5 seconds later he was at the door. he wanted to lay down with me and hold me.i didnt know what to do so i let him. he stayed with me until 12:00 a.m and then left.

well, i didnt feel so good about myself for letting him in and caving. So i didnt answer his calls the next day. after the 7th time he called and i didnt answer, he came to my work to see why i wouldnt talk to him. I told him again im tired of living like this i need to think and decide if it was worth it to me to keep living this way. He immediately accused me of listening to other people and having someone else. when i didnt answer his accusations he walked off while telling me he'd be by the house at night to make sure i wasnt sneaking men in the house.(good grief)so anyways at about 6:00 a.m i hear a noise above my head and lo and behold he's standing right by my bed! he said can i please lay down with you? again i dont know how i should handle situations like that and said i dont care. i didnt speak to him, he tried to act like everything is fine and talked a blue streak while getting no response from me. he left a few hours later gave me a kiss and an i love you while i said nothing.at work the calls start again, hoping to forestall his inevitable popping up i sent him a text message that said please dont start with the calls and the showing up, im fine but dont feel like talking when i decide what i want to do ill let you know. okay? i thought that would be the end of it but he sent one back. i just want to know do you want to go x-mas shopping? i guess he just doesnt speak english. i didnt answer or answer the one that came after.

at about 5:00am, i heard something outside my window, i was terrified and let our dog in my bedroom, until i looked out and seen it was him, trying to look in my window. 5 minutes later he knocks on my door with all kinds of food and a silly story that doesnt bear repeating as to why he couldnt go to his own house. so i endured another night or day of his trying to pretend everything is fine and me ignoring him. he stayed until 2:30 p.m and left the same way as the day before.i get ready for work and here come the calls again. cause i wouldnt answer he calls dd's cell and asks her to call me and tell me "we need to talk!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> when i walk into work my phone is ringing. and the same thing starts again. why wont i talk to him! and i say how many times do i have to repeat myself? i said i want that ***** out of my lifehe stays quiet and says theres someone else isnt there? i said no! im sick of your disrespect and your cheating.i said you can either be my H or you can be my ex-h, the choice is yours. i said you get rid of her and you had better be able to prove it, until then he will have no contact with me. he said i cant come over to sleep with you tonite? i said what did i just say? i said you'll find a letter from me in your truck.(i copied a plan B letter) he said whose making your choices for you? so i hung up and havent heard from him yet. We shall see what happens next. feel okay so far. sorry so long.

Hi Shelly,

Seems like you are starting to see that plan A is working but is also hurting you. When I got to that turning point that I realized I didn't want the OW in my life, plan B was much easier to implement. We are in recovery and I still keep it in my back pocket. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

When he comes back home even for a little while, you are filling his needs more than he is filling yours. The days are past when he can fill your need with crumbs of attention.

You are quite correct when you say it's either you or her. It is an ultimatum but you need to make sure you mean it. He is tottering and you s/b working with you MC or Steve Harley at this time. Their proper support will really help you.

Has he said why he is coming back and calling so much? My WS accused me of having someone on the side. I said, I sure do.... I have a good and handsome son who loves me very much. I also know quite a few men who don't want to see me hurt by anyone. That hurt him but it also shut him up for a while. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

See before that, the OW had accused me of having an A with my FIL. Stupid OW. I told the WS that his FIL was better than the WS was at that time but since I was still stuck being married to WS, I would wait until I was free to think about hooking up with another man. Boy that shot an arrow through the fog. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Have you identified your boundaries and are you ready to implement them? Seems like you have started already. Mine included NOT having the OW in MY life.

take care,
L.

Hi Orchid. As near as i can figure out, he's araid i'll find someone else while he's busy "finding" himself.(retch) I am no where near ready to do something like that, now that i've really thought about it, im not ready to file for divorce either. I just can't pretend everything is normal when its not. I dont want to put myself thru the pain of trying to talk to OW again to let her know WH is lying to her about our marriage and relationship because i know whatever i do she will wind up believing him. i feel good so far. BTW, does anyone have any advice on what to do when he tries to see me or comes over without ending the A first? I dont know what to do in those situations. Thanks.

Shelly,

What have you read so far? Surviving an affair? His Needs/Her Needs? Do you have a good MC? Recommend you give Steve H @ MB a call to setup some phone counseling.

You need to have a plan A or B or both.

Do you feel like your heart and mind are in sync? Could that be one of the reasons for your waffling back and forth? Would you like for your heart and mind to be in sync so that he can't get you sooo confused?

L.

i do feel like my mind and heart are in sync. i know in my heart that i can't go any further with her in my life and i'm finally ready to either get her out of it with plan b or they both can leave. as for MC i've been thinking about it. with my employment benefits i have access to free counselling,(just found out about that after nearly getting myself fired for all this ongoing drama) will probably look into it. maybe i'll also order surviving an affair. i just feel so calm right now its scary. shouldnt i be having some kind of breakdown?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shelly_3:
<strong> i do feel like my mind and heart are in sync. i know in my heart that i can't go any further with her in my life and i'm finally ready to either get her out of it with plan b or they both can leave. as for MC i've been thinking about it. .... i just feel so calm right now its scary. shouldnt i be having some kind of breakdown? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That w/b a turning point if your mind and heart are in sync because then you will feel in more control of your emotions. As for that calm, well your body, mind and heart are quite tired of all this emotional tugawar don't you think? If you are in sync, then you s/b calmer.

Now you can make purposeful plans. These kind of times usually get the WS and OP all worried. Their worry will give you strength. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shelly_3:
<strong> i just feel so calm right now its scary. shouldnt i be having some kind of breakdown? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There's the sound of a woman in control of her own destiny. Feels good, doesn't it?

~ Snow

Thanks Snow and Orchid. I asked him in the letter not to try to communicate with me until he ends his A but now he calls dd and asks HER to ask me this or that with him on the line. i asked DD not to mention it to me when he calls or is talking to him but he wont quit. I dont want to know anything about what he is doing. He hasnt shown up yet but im positive he will sooner or later. what do you do with a spouse who refuses to honor plan b?

Hmmm, make a whole bunch of copies of your Plan B letter, carry them with you everywhere you go and everytime he shows up, hand him one? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Very funny.