I have a fear, or an insecurity that my wife is staying with me because she can't have OM. Or because of the children. Or she doesn't think she can make it on her own.
From the SF to the very core of our relationship I wonder how genuine she really is.

The angst I feel over this is huge!
Who wants to be second best? I am in love with my wife.
Yet she tells me I'm obsessed with her. That my desires are too much.

Just can't get over the worry she wants to be somewhere else, or with someone else.

Is this just normal mindless insecurities, or are these genuine concerns I should confront my wife about?

Thanks

IMO it's pretty normal to get that idea from a WS. Whether the A is still ongoing or just over (I'm not familiar with your story) they have a tendency to make the BS feel like they are second pick. It's another WS line like "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" etc.

Too, we BS have the tendency to make ourselves feel like 2nd best as well. Due to our insecurities because of the A and even an overactive imagination.

So I don't think it's mindless that you feel that way, because your W is probably doing what she can to make you feel that way. You just have to realize that it's fog and that it will pass the further you get into recovery.

I believe WS tend to think this way. They think it makes sense that the BS should not want them (and this would be easier, after all), and so the BS must really think the WS is wonderful and irresistible. This line of thinking reflects badly on the BS, who appears needy and desperate, to so desperately want somebody who has betrayed and rejected them.

At this stage, I think you have to take what you can get. Later it will be different.

GC

newNaples=My husband feels the same way you do. He thinks I am staying with him,because of our children, not because I love him. He seems unhappy with me. I try to assure him, but he really does not believe my words.
It makes me very unhappy to see him doubting everything I say to him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
How long since your DD>? Ours was on June 1-2004.
I think that we are doing ok, but then, it seems we go back to day one again, with his sadness and doubts.

Myrta

new

I'm a FWW myself and I know my H had the same fears.
Thats very hard to understand because my fears were then and are now that he does not really want me, will stay because of kids, or he wants to be 'kind' to me but will not forgive or get past it.

I bet you ww has the same fears.

Can I say she wants the OM instead of you or vice versa, not until or if she posts here I'd have no idea of whats shes feeling. Her attracton to OM wil depend on the investment of emotion put into the affair, the length of the A, a whole lot of things.
But I doubt it because I don't think we FWW think that straight to be frank with you.

The important thing is that the A is now over I take it and that there is NO CONTACT?
If you are to recover or rebuild your M it has to start there.

A FWW can be in the fog & withdrawal for a long time. Some do get out of it very quickly as I did because there was little emotional commitment to the A. But if there are long standing issues the issue of trust on both sides is most likely gone.

I would encourage your W to post here as well, she can do it under any name, no need to id herself & you guys can POJA as I did with my H NOT to read each others posts until the other says its ok. It gives some space to vent & yell and say those things your anger & hurt drives you too but you know you should not say to your spouse. Just an idea but if she would like to maybe she would like to email me & ask how its works etc ..addy below.. (of course if you sneak a look & get hurt on YOUR head be it).

Thats the thing here, the place allows you to work out things, get advice etc..so if she would like to ask anything I'll be around sooner or later, and of course you too!!

<small>[ November 29, 2004, 08:53 AM: Message edited by: aussieswife ]</small>

You're in a very normal stage right now. And you may be right, that at this moment your W thinks that she's settling for you. But you're very early in the process.

Have you considered that she may be telling herself that she's staying for those reasons so she doesn't have to face up to the idea that she loves you and that being with you is what she actually wants? She's still in a self-protective fog right now. It's much easier to convince herself that she's staying for those reasons, because that helps justify her affair. If she admits to herself that she loves you for other reasons, she has to admit to just how wrong her actions were.

I'm personally on my second marriage. The first one was REALLY bad. I left it with almost no possessions and a ton of debt. If I had stayed in it, I would have been much more financially comfortable. I'm telling you this because I highly doubt that if a big part of her didn't want to stay with you, I don't think she would.

Don't let yourself be blinded by her fog. One blind person in a marriage is more than enough. Keep taking the right steps forward and believe in yourself. It takes some time. But once you convince yourself again that YOU are a good husband and that she's lucky to have you, you'll start to look much more attractive to both of you.

Hang in there. It's hard, but it gets better.

Thanks for the help!

My wife is going thru withdrawal right now. I can see that in different ways. Things she will admit. Fog or no-fog....
I still wonder what she wants. I don't really understand the whole fog concept.
I understand being caught up head over heels in love. Wanting to be with a person all the time.
Heck, I want to be with my wife all the time right now.
But, how can you, as a FWS, tell the difference between fog and real emotion.
Am I a good husband. Well, no I haven't been. Honestly, I wasn't there for her. But, nor was she for me. Thing is, I'm trying to be there for her. She is reaping all the benifits from that. Yet, I'm still lonely, still craving affection, and still am in need of love.
She is getting the best of it all, the feelings of desire from two men. While she has commited to no contact. The point really is, she can do as she wants.
Oh she tells me I'm the selfish one, I'm the one getting what I want (she's leaving her job over the affair). I feel guilt over making her do that. I feel the weight of the world over all this, added to that all the doubts about her real intentions, sort of leaves me raw all the time.
I do get the impression she is trying.

I am so scared that she will abandon me for OM. I hate the feeling, it never leaves the pit of my stomach.

OMG, yes yes yes.

This is my story damn it!

I think that some times when I have had a bad day inside my head and turn it around and let my WW that I love her more everyday and every minute she gets a little mad at me for caring so much.

When she seems to get mad about my love for her it brings us closer (very strange) but I am no longer backing down. I am doing my best every minute to remain strong and do everything that I can think of to prove to her that I am not letting her go with out a fight.

Every so often after she talks to OM for to long or talking to OM turns into a drama session, I really let her know that it hurts me and makes my desire to stay with her diminish. I also make it a point to let her know that I love her more than anything/anyone in the world besides myself.

After those intense emotional exchanges I see her face and judge that she is really let my love for her affect her and she gets closer to NC. We had a drama session over the weekend and a mini drama session last night. (I am at the point of having some sick need to know what her slim bucket 'friend' has to say so either look the other way when she calls OM or I call OMW to check in.)

Anyway, I feel like she is almost to the point of NC and possibly really comitting to our marriage instead of saying 'I till try to work things out'.

In the last 7 weeks I have heard just about everything fall out of the mouth of my gorgeous WW. She has stooped to petty rage and hurtful untrue words and she has put her arms around me and kissed me tenderly and everything in between.

She has told me that our marriage has been a waste and then the next day have heard her tell me with passion that she loves me.

She has told me one hour that she is leaving and then the next thing she says is that she would already be gone if that was what she really wanted.

At 7 weeks passed D-Day I feel like a yo-yo but I still love my wife with all my heart and choose her as my life patner and feel like she is finally starting to belive that after a rough 4 year M and this stupid affair that I really do and have always and always will love her.

newNaples,

It seems to me that we BS folks must suck it up for a while. I am doing that with the hope that I will be getting what I need from WW eventually.

Seems to be working so far too and even getting just enough in return to help some of the sting go away.

So I am thinking that if your WW is leaving her job that you have plenty of hope left to carry you through to the point of recovery.

My WW started a new job today, I belive that a big part of her job change is because she worked nights on her old job. Now she will be around with the family every night.

I know for my situation that my WW has made several rather large sacrifices and I have learned that it is very unfair of me to expect or demand more in such a short time.

newNaples-

I am right there with you. I wonder the same things every day. I also want to be around my wife all the time and she says she feels smothered sometimes. There is always that doubt in my head if I am her second choice because I am pretty sure that the OM broke off the relationship first. I hope this fog does not last much longer.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurt3:
<strong> newNaples-

I also want to be around my wife all the time and she says she feels smothered sometimes. There is always that doubt in my head if I am her second choice </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, my WW and my MC both told me that I was smoothering. Once my MC told me to stop it and I did things got much better.

As for feeling 2nd best, I am giving her the chance to prove that is not the case. Even if she does decide to stay with me, I must also choose to stay with her.

Once the fog lifts and counseling has a chance to work a little then we will be in a place to make good decissions.

My Squid stayed with me initially because OM wasunemployed and didn;t leave his GF. Over time though that washes away with fog and Squid is NOW with me because she loves me and wants to learn how to be the wife I need. ( her words).

Thats going to be herad as it means her doing lot sof uninstinctive things but we'll be OK.

I no longer worry that she's here out of need not choice. Shes here because she wants to be.

I'm here because I want to be.

Give it some time.