That is a good point that you made. That is partly why I chose to no longer sit around and let my H flaunt his affair in front of me. I wanted him to know that I was a strong woman who could make it with out him. I wanted him to know that he was not all that I needed, maybe all I wanted but not NEEDED. H got scared that soon he would not be what I wanted either, and to be honest it was coming to that. We are struggleing lots, I have a real trust issue with him, and lots of red flags have been flying lately, however I would hate to be where you and your children sit right now. I truely feel for you.

Do you live somewhere where you are getting support?

I am living back home with my mom in the house I was raised in. It's 60 miles from my home and 75 miles from my work. Big inconvenience but at least I have the support from my family. I am still paying the bills in the house for my own protection (credit, good name, etc)

Turned out after I was kicked that she had been calling my siblings for a year trashing me! And I didn't even know it because she told my sibs not to tell me about the calls! All while we were planning our 3rd child! Then she tells the court I was abusive all those years? Sex only stopped 3 weeks before she had me removed! Who is she kidding?

FYI: I found out this past Saturday that she Christened our daughter without me or anyone in my family. I called to ask her about Christmas toys I was buying for the kids and was told by a friend about the event. Imagine hearing on the phone a crowd of people talking and laughing in MY house after Christening MY daughter. While I'm in Walmart buying toys from Santa. I left without buying them I was so hurt and angry. Now you see why I want this divorce? Good riddance to that empty soul.

HusbandLost, how can we help you on this site? What is it that you would like to happen really?

I get a "blindsided" feeling from reading your posts. You felt you had a good marriage but apparently your wife did not feel the same at least for a year prior. Life with little kids so close together is difficult and it isn't outside the realm of possibility that your wife is suffering from postpartum deppression.

My concern is that without your wife's side of the story, it is too easy for those in the early stages of dealing with their own marital problems to join in spouse bashing. There are more than a few people who think that becasue their own personal situation went a certain way, then it must be the case in another poster's situation even when there is no evidence of this. There are two sides to every story and we are lacking your wife's.

Her behavior seems extreme given your claims but at the same time if you are not willing to examine yourself carefully, there may be an explanation. One thing about this site that is unexpected is that many find personal growth and recovery while seeking marital recovery. Have you been able to go over the basic concepts on this site?

knewbetter,

I can certainly give you my wife's side.

Yes, raising 3 kids is tough and my oldest, who is 7, has autism to make things even more difficult.

However, if there is one problem that stands out is the fact my wife has felt very guilty over our son. As a result, she has consistently and verbally berated me to him. Screaming at him I don't love him and such. Nothing is further from the truth and my poor son can't respond verbally.

We also live very close to her family who is overmeshed and always butting into each other's lives.

Am I bashing them? Not at all. Just stating the facts.

Take an overbearing MIL who doesn't care for you to begin with, move within blocks of her and that spells a recipe for disaster. Nothing I say or do makes things better. My wife is very influenced and manipulated and we're paying the price for it.

She has never gotten over the fact that my MIL and I don't click. While I am civil, my MIL is cunning and spiteful. She'll stop at nothing to make our lives miserable.

All of this should have nothing to do with our family but it does.

All in all, nothing I did wrong, and I have admitted to lots of wrongdoing and offered to help all of us, warranted this behavior.

I've seen people with multiple affairs get treated more fairly here than I have.

And that is truly her side. Although she'd say I abuse her, don't love her enough, etc.

She actually said last week that I didn't kiss her enough!!! OK. So you kick me out for that???

It wasn't even true. We kissed at least twice a day. Like brushing our teeth. More when we had sex! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

There are lots of emotional issues I cannot touch right now because she gets very dangerous. I simply can't trust her in this state of mind.

emotional an dphysical attention I know I need a lot of. When I do not feel my needs are being met I can make a bigger deal out of something then it really is. That is a possibility for her too. Maybe she was feeling neglected, and when your main need is not being met all little things take on monster forms.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by HusbandLost:
I've seen people with multiple affairs get treated more fairly here than I have. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You must have misunderstood me, perhaps I wasn't clear. It's not a question of "fairness", it is a question of understanding the whole picture in order to help you get to a place where you are either recovered within the marriage or recovered despite the failure of it.

I hope KMEJ, who has been posting to you doesn't mind me borrowing her story a little but if her H were posting here, there would be a completely different version of the same marriage b/c her husband feels he doesn't have to take responsibilty for his actions.... she and her "meddling" family the ones to blame for their current situation.

I'm not implying that you are presenting a phoney story and do completely understand your defensiveness but in order for us to help you, you will need to dig deeper into your marital history to understand how it arrived at it's current condition. You seem to me to be throwing your hands up in the air and saying "where did this all come from?" as if you didn't have a clue before. Maybe you truly didn't but it seems like something you should look into at any rate.

When I asked what we could help you with on this site, I was hoping to get you to thinking about what it is that you would like to accomplish right now, what you truly would like to see happen in your marriage. If you do want to commit to marriage building, then there is much help here.

If you don't want to do that, is there something else that you would like help with? There are many interesting discussions about personal growth on the Emotional Needs board that you may find enlightening.

Perhaps you are undecided in which case spending time studying the basic concepts that are the foundation of this forum will be essential. You can click the Concepts link at the top of the page under the Marriage Builders banner to find them. I'd link you, but my computer is acting wierd. This is bad because I actually have quite a few links to send you through. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I guess I'm trying to narrow down what it is that you want from the forum. We are here for you LostHusband but you'll need to understand where we are coming from in order to get value from the forum. Check out the concepts if you haven't already and let us know your thoughts on them. Best, KB

KB,

Perhaps what I am looking for is some understanding as to why this all happened. I have been on these boards for some time and have read the concepts.

I showed my wife this site and she basically balked at it.

I am not about excusing myself for anything I may have done wrong in the past. However, my attempts at counseling/reconciliation or any type of negotiating for our future fell on deaf ears.

The only response I get from my wife always pertains to the past and pointing out my downfalls. It is impossible to go forward if all she wants to do is berate me for the past. I truly believe she is not interested in saving this marriage.

So while I recognize my fallacies, one person cannot go it alone. She has crossed the line of love and respect for me as her husband because if she really cared, she would make a small attempt to make things better.

Like I said, people cheat on their spouses and get treated better than this.

LH, I know you're frustrated. When your wife points to the past what is your response? How do you *feel* when she does this?

KB,

My response is to tell her that I can't change the past, but change for the future. I tell her that we can't move forward staying in the past.

How do I feel? Completely frustrated. I truly get the sense she stays in the past to avoid going forward.

I have gotten over those feelings as I do not want to reconcile at this point. I feel she is a real danger to me and our kids but I have to admit that being on my own is a bit unsettling.

Particularly because my family and friends are an hour away but my job and kids are in the same area. I will be alone for a while but I'll manage to make another life.

I am sorry to hear that you are closing the door on reconciliation especially because of the children. We have four children ourselves,two years apart so I can relate to your sitch. One major reason my marriage is reconciled and recovered (yes, an A, mine) is because my husband was willing to examine himself and take ownership for his failings in our marriage. I actually wasn't the one who pointed them out (unlike your wife) but it was a major turning point for us.

We all make mistakes but being able to sincerely apologize for them goes a very, very long way in the Love Bank deposit department. Just acknowledging failings is not enough. My H used to p/o me because he spent most of my first labor snoring in a chair..this guy can sleep, I tell you! I knew he might do it so I begged him not to because it was my first baby and I was SCARED! Well, he did it anyway and I was alone in hard labor for 9 hours in the middle of the night. I never squandered <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> an opportunity to bring it up because he always had his excuse, already said he was "sorry", can't change it now yada, yada, yada. It took him YEARS to acknowledge my feelings of abandonment but he finally did and you know, it's been years since I brought it up. Do you see what I'm trying to say? KB

KB,

I don't mean to appear like I'm fighting you because I appreciate your advice. However, I have tried and tried to reach out to no avail. I admitted I was wrong and was ready to change everything that she perceived was wrong in our marriage. Nothing. Just more hurt on top of more hurt.

I have not closed the door. She has. She has been so incredulously hurtful with our kids that I cannot see going back there. She has made me a stranger to my family. That can happen with an order of protection.

As for your sitch, not only was I awake but I assisted through all 3 births and attended just about all of my wife's pre-natal visits. So what did I do so wrong? Usually, when a husband is this attentful during these times, he is there at all times. And I was.

The problem is with her family. I'm not passing blame but they never accepted me and frankly, I am insulted that no one is taking my kids' feelings into consideration. They only want to kill me and that is just not right.

You sound like an awesome birth coach, LH! Good for you. I should tell you that H redeemed himself bigtime by delivering number three all by himself (not his choice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) and number four was pretty much his show too. Good memories.

Anyway, one of the things that you'll see posted many times on this site is the idea that while you can't expect to change others, you can change yourself. Sounds like no fun when your life is falling apart but essential for your own sake. Let's say the marriage does actually end, or that your wife is found to have some mental health issues or whatever, the fact is you will still be coparents to your three children. You will know each other for life, so to speak.

It is in everyone's best interest to be able to communicate in the most harmonious way possible. The idea of avoiding disrespectful judgements and love busting come in here. It will be hard work for you to refrain because you already feel up against a wall but very necessary to keep in mind when interacting with your wife. I'm wracking my brains on a good pertinent thread to link you to....coming up zip at the moment but I'll come up with something or maybe someone else will wiegh in here.

Don't worry LH, I'm not taking you as fighting at all, it's hard to get used to talking about "deep" personal topics in this medium, I know. We get into a lot of depth on this site as you've probably already found out. Where in this process were you when you found MB? What was the timeline, I mean.

I'm glad for you that you don't have an affair to factor into the equation but I don't discount the frustration you are feeling. Somehow we need to support you in a way that helps you go through this time. Can I ask when the mental health evals are happening? I can't remember if you already said. KB

KB,

My wife insisted on the mental health exams (of course) and had her lawyer choose the most expensive arguing that I should pay for it. The judge told her she'd have to pay her half since she ordered it. Now that's justice!

Turned out the cost was $5,000! Money we no longer have. So we didn't bother going. However, after our next court date, she told the judge she now had an appointment to go and she has gone. Meanwhile, I can't get the dr. to call me back for an appointment so that is where we stand.

I'm not even fighting for sole custody. I only want shared with her as primary physical. Not a huge demand on my part and atty feels I will get it.

I guess I want to figure out what I could have done to ensure our relationship didn't implode. However, I can't help but recall years of verbal abuse on the part of my MIL and other siblings on my wife's side. There is so much abuse there and I know that I did not deserve it. I did nothing but be there and provide for my wife and family in every way.

Not that I don't have my faults. But when I think of how other "strangers" in this family were treated and discarded, I really question who has the problem here.

So, I am looking forward to moving on and taking care of myself and kids. Fortunately, we own two homes and I will most likely get one of them. I just can't see how my STBX will be able to afford the one she is living in.

I'm sorry HL, I didn't see this earlier. Did I read in another thread that she did end up completing a mental health evaluation? I would consider this to be very good from a custody standpoint for you. I wouldn't worry to much about what she "askes" for, that's par for the course in a divorce case and is mostly a negotiation ploy anyway.

How are you feeling today? I just realized as I typed that you may be gone for the day already, sorry for missing this earlier. I have put out some feelers for the type of threads we talked about, so hopefully will be able to pull them up soon. KB

KB,

I finally go for my exam on the 6th. Wife already went once and claimed she couldn't pay for it even though judge told her to. Dr. confirmed she paid so I know she lied to try to scare me.

After all this, my new position is total isolation from her. She's been trying to call and email and now it all falls on deaf ears until we go to court. F her!