We are now 3 weeks post d-day. My husband has been in nc since then. I cannot let it go in my mind. Today he still claimed he had no pa with her but that he thought about having sf with her and that it was nice to know he could if he wanted to. I will never get over hearing him say that to me. He swears he can give me no reasons for what he did. Says it was just a stupid mistake that he will never make again, he can't imagine living without me. I just can't believe a word out of his mouth. The longer this goes on the less I want to be with him. I just can't do this anymore. I will lose my mind if he breaks nc. Maybe I should just end it now rather than waiting for that to happen.

Slacker - You are very new in this, and it is awful at first, but gets much better. Do you have a plan in place with your husband to prevent contact?

he has new cell phone, linked to mine to allow his calls to be monitored. he has destroyed the numbers, the ow has been told to not call, he has been pretty tolerant to let me search his wallet, truck, etc. I truly believe he is following the nc. and he seems to really want to work things out. I just don't feel like I want to at this point. I know I am not supposed to make a decision right away. That is why I have told him I want to work on things. But every day I get more angry instead of feeling better. When does that stop?

Slacker 1975,

A few points, if I may:

Your H certainly does seem to be doing all the right things that can eventually lead to a better marriage for the two of you. So that is good. But a word of caution.... While his affair truly might have stayed on an emotional level, it would not be surprising if it did progress to a PA, especially, as he states, he had a willing OW.

I don't say this to freak you out, but to prepare you that there may be more shoes to drop in the next days/weeks/months that will set you back seemingly to day one. You might find it was indeed a PA, that the affair was longer that he first admitted, things like that.

Just know that whatever you find out, if he is doing the right things, you can overcome the pain and the anger... it is a process and it takes time.

One thing that helped me get all the truth from my husband was one quiet night, when we were talking in bed and cuddling, I said to him that if there was anything else about the affair that he had not told me, or been untruthful about, that I could handle him telling me that night. I said if I find things out six months from now, I don't think I could start over and trust might be impossible to rebuild.

That's when he quietly unloaded some of the most hurtful stuff and got it all out. Mind you, this was two months past dday. He had said, many times, there was nothing else to tell. I knew it all. NOT.

Few BS come clean with all of the nitty gritty slimy details right away. They are afraid they'll break the camel's back. But as the marriage mends and they become more hopeful that won't happen, they sometimes realize the need to be completely honest. So, please, know that is a possibility.
And if he does "open up" at some point and is saying things that make you want to scream, avoid the LBs at all cost. He might be giving you pieces, but not the whole, seeing how you react and whether you can handle it. If you start in on him before he's finished, you might never get the "whole" story.

Hang in there.

~ Snow

<small>[ November 29, 2004, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

Thanks snowbelle, I am pretty sure it was a pa, no matter how much he denies it. I honestly don't think he will ever admit it though. I even tried telling him the ow admitted to a pa and he wouldn't budge. I know he thinks that if he admits it, it would mean the end of us period. I asked him today what would make him truly happy and all he would say is for him to go back in time and never have started with ow. when i told him he couldn't do that, then he said he wanted to find a way to make me to stay and be happy with him again and make me forget about all he did. I told him i can't forget but that he could work on helping me forgive by being honest. He still denied a pa though. If I am sure in my heart that he did, am I just making things worse by insisting that he admit to it? I have already decided to stay even though I am sure they had sf. But maybe hearing him actually admit it would change my mind. All I do is waver between wanting things to work and never wanting to see him again.

I have such respect for all of you in Plan A. I have no idea how most of you are dealing with ws who are still seeing the other person. I am having such a hard time accepting that he did it at all, I could never deal with him continuing to do it. How are you surviving? My fwh is really trying to do everything he can to earn my love and trust back and I can barely get by a day without the anger.

You know slacker, some folks have explained to their WS that the complete honesty is so important to their recovery, that they've asked the WS to submit to a lie-detector test.

Often the WS who has something to hide will enthusiastically agree, until they come to the day of the test, and they suddenly change their mind. If he goes through with it and passes, you can go on from there.

If he gets angry, though, and resent the mere suggestion, you can honestly answer that it would help SO MUCH FOR YOUR REBUILDING TRUST IN HIM AGAIN. Why, of course, you really expect him to pass with flying colors... and you wish you could believe him... but you're just not that big of a person and, well...... (Evil snicker).

Whatchathink?

It is evil and I have thought of that. :} Unfortunately he has taken over 8 lie detector tests in the past for his job and he knows how to beat them. I would never believe the results. I know he has lied on the ones for work and still passed so I would never believe he couldn't do the same for one from me.

He is doing the necessary things. I think you should give it some time. You can always decide to dump him later. There is no hurry to make a decision.

But keep in mind that many people go on and have a much better marriage than before. This is probably more about him than about you.

I know in my mind that he is doing the right things. I know that he is trying. My emotions are just out of control right now. I do not want a life without him at this point. But I am so afraid that he will break the nc. I cannot just ignore that, I will leave him if he does.

Hi Slacker. I'm going to focus on just one thing -- the title to this thread. You wrote,

"It is all hopeless"

The very first thing I thought when I read that is, "She's absolutely right. In the end, every single one of us is going to die and there is not one thing we can do about it."

Then I realized that probably wasn't what you meant. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I hope you're at least smiling a little by this time, but my point is a serious one. The only thing that's hopeless is death. You are not dead and your husband isn't dead either. There's an infinite number of possible outcomes.... and they all hinge on YOU.

(Your husband too, but I don't have him available to talk to right now.)

YOU have a huge effect on what happens next in your marriage. You can, for example, take Dr. Harley's advice. What's the advice? GO ON VACATION.

Forget all the panic and worry and nausea and all that stuff. Just pack up the car and whatever you need, and go away for three weeks. Yes, you heard me, three weeks.

Insane? Can't be done? Come on now. If your husband goes back to the OW, I guarantee that you'll lose at least that much time trying to figure out what to do next.

Something else you can do? Pick up your entire family and MOVE. Somewhere entirely new. Across the state, across the county, across the country. Just move to a new place and make a new start. Crazy? Sure. But it helps people recover their marriages.

You can also move into a new state of mind. This is by far the hardest of my three suggestions. I really think the vacation would be a wiser first step, and then you can work into this one and the one about moving. You can accept that your life, which you thought was certain and stable and worked in one particular way -- is none of those things.

It's going to take a good while to make the adjustment, but a lot of your panic isn't so much about the affair, but about your world being upside down BECAUSE of the affair.

Your world has loose change falling out of its pockets while it hangs upside down ... and that makes it look really really odd to you. So take the time outs, take the breaks, take the vacations and the mental health days and go ahead and move across the country.

Because life is not stable, not certain, not any of the things you thought it was. But while there is breath in your body and strength in your bones, it continues anyway. Breathe deeply, Slacker, and figure out how you're going to handle uncertainty and danger in your world. It's been there all the while, but you couldn't see it. Don't hide under the covers. Accept it and figure out how to live with it in peace.

Just J,

Thank you so much for all that. It is funny, just yesterday I decided I wanted to get away. I just transfered job so 3 weeks is a bit too much but I was looking at a 10 day vacation between christmas and new years. We did just move and I think that is helping. I know that he is not seeing her physically and has not since we moved. He keeps saying it is all a fresh start for us. I have found that I am just not doing the chores I would normally find a priority and trying to just relax. It is putting me behind in my schoolwork and I look like the only scrooge on our block without christmas decorations but I don't care. The state of mind is what I need to work on. I lost my father and grandfather pretty recently and one uncle who has been like a father to me is looking like he won't make it too much longer either. Those 3 and my husband were my rocks. In my mind, the truly perfect men who were infallible and incapable of wrong. With the other 3 dying and my husband proving how wrong he can be, my world feels completely wrong. I feel like I am in a twilight zone. But I will try to work on my state of mind, I do have quite a few years left of this life and you are right I might as well find a way to enjoy them.

BS - ME - 29
WS - HIM - 29
OW - HER - 26
DDAY - 11/6/04
NC - 11/7/04 (I believe)

Slacker, that's exactly the right attitude. I'm so glad that circumstances conspired to allow you to move away from where the affair happened. That will help a lot, though maybe you don't know it quite yet.

I'm also really glad you're going to go on vacation. Remember, make sure that you and your husband are really TOGETHER on this trip. No cell phone calls to someone else (checking in with mom is okay, but not much more), no TV time unless you both love the show, no tuning each other out. Spend it mentally and emotionally together, not just physically.

Because love's all you have -- and it's important that you work to make it work.