The last month has been a time of hell. Ever since my WH came home from a 9 week trip and I found out about the A, I don't think I've ever hurt so badly. WH been a cold, silent stone wall. He came home late, ignored the kids, we couldn't do anything right. I knew where he was and it wasn't always at work. Thanksgiving was horrible. After coming home at 3 a.m. on Thursday morning, he left and we didn't see him until our son's football game Saturday afternoon.

I had made him promise that he would spend the rest of Saturday with the kids. He was really hostile but agreed to do it. I decided that the only way he was really going to interact with them was if I completely left. I had arranged to go to a girlfriend's for a night of chick flicks and wine. Since it was snowing quite hard, I was going to spend the night. I talked with my kids and made sure they were okay about it. I said goodbye to them in front of WH. And made it quite clear that they knew where I was and if there was any problem they could get a hold of me. I also told WH that the kids knew what was going on and he owed them an explanation. Then I left. Talk about heavy heart.

Later, I found out that the 3 of them went out to dinner. My son said that he's never talked so much to his dad. WH told the kids that he and I had been drifting apart for years and that's why he was seeing OW. S said that WH didn't talk about OW though. What else was said, I don't know. I'm not prying into their conversation. Then they came home and watched a DVD. I did get a call from my daughter around midnight saying she felt abandoned. Her brother was ignoring her and her dad had retreated into our bedroom, locked the door and wouldn't answer her calls. I calmed her down and then she went to bed.

I spent the night on my friend's couch. My oldest son says that there's nothing like couch surfing to help a person clarify their thoughts. I didn't sleep very well. Unlike home, I couldn't get up, work on the computer or attempt to read a book. All I could do was lay on the couch and think. Think I did. I made a lot of resolutions. At 7 a.m., I left a note, brushed 5" of snow off my car and drove home.

I felt really serene when I got home. Able to cope with things. After he woke up, WH was really mad. He didn't like exposure. He didn't like the fact the kids and my friends knew. He's not a yeller but kept strongly asking why I was telling people about what HE was doing. He said it wasn't anybody's business but HIS. That nobody needed to know anything. I don't think it can get much foggier. I told him that all people who have A's say things like this. That it was 50% my marriage and he was ruining it. Didn't he realize how much he was hurting me and the kids? That the A and OW is tearing us apart. The time he didn't spend with us and the stress was hurting us all. That that made it OUR business. It isn't just about him. That I wasn't going to live a lie. I'm not going to cover up for him. That I'd tell anybody I pleased. This was something I couldn't keep inside me. That at times like this people turn to their friends. That friends were for support.

Some time on Sunday, the fog lifed. It was a weird, amazing thing to see. I don't know if something sunk in or if he was replaying his conversations with everybody. Perhaps he read the email to me from his brother who lives in another state expressing his disapproval and says how on Monday he was going to tell their parents who are visiting him. I think that really brought things home and scared him.

Suddenly, he started talking to me and in a pleasant manner. He was watching a football game and I sat beside him. In a soft voice, he said that he was going to go for counseling. That he would agree to go to IC and MC. He says he has to work through the issue of OW but doesn't want to give up on our marriage, yet. He wants to have a "normal" Christmas. He begged me to not have his brother tell his parents. He said that he would try harder. I told him I'd give him until January. That he had to go to MC and resolve the OW issue. I didn't press for NC yet as OW works with him. I'll get to it. I told him that things have to change.

It was like he came back to us yesterday. He wound his grandmother's antique clock. It's always been his job and hasn't been running since before his return. He fed the cat, another of his jobs that have been ignored. He set up mousetraps. He was nice to the kids. We've had a lot of long, clinging hugs. It's like he came out of a fog and maybe realized what it was like from our end.

It's early but I feel hopeful. I'm protecting myself. He's got to have NC with OW and start being honest and trustworthy. We are going to have rebuild this relationship. We'll see. If nothing else, at least we are talking. I also let him know that whether or not this marriage continues is not entirely his decision. That I have choices too. Whatever happens, maybe we can still talk and be friends.

Thanks MB for helping me to know that maybe we can rebuild. I'm going to study about Plan A today. Pray for us.

<small>[ November 29, 2004, 12:59 PM: Message edited by: HurtingCarol ]</small>

Hurting Carol,

I will spend my day not on my problems but saying many prayers for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by HurtingCarol:
<strong> He says he has to work through the issue of OW but doesn't want to give up on our marriage. He wants to have a "normal" Christmas. He begged me to not have his brother tell his parents. He said that he would try harder. I told him I'd give him until January. That he had to go to MC and resolve the OW issue. I didn't press for NC yet as OW works with him. I'll get to it. I told him that things have to change.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WOW, I am sorry to say this but this is all in REALITY a ploy by him to "smooth" things over. If you don't do a FULL EXPOSURE now he won't "try harder" to end things with the OW. Please Carol, for the Love of God, don't go down this familiar path so many BS go down. If you want to really end this affair TODAY, tell him to write a NC letter TODAY. THINGS WILL NIOT CHAGE WITH WORDS FROM YOU. Read the oother stories here. He is scared and doing damage control. He will day anything to pacify you so you don't expose his horrible despicable behavior to his parents. This situation is so common around here. First it will be January....and the he will concede something else so it will be March....etc... He works with her so there will always be an excuse. He wants to have a "normal" Christmas, well after what he has done, THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE. For real chanegs to occur in your marriage, there has to be RADICAL changes and a "normal" x-mas is only allowing him to feel less guilt for what he has done. I feel very sorry for you, because you yourself are in a "fog" now. He gave you a glimmer of hope and backed you off all at once and extended more time for his affair. He will just now be more creative with hiding it. I think I can write the next chapter in your story ....unfortunately <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Good luck with this situation. I fear you may really need it.

LM

Thank you for helping me to think in a different way. You are right. I need to not be fogged in myself.

I just called WH and left a message. He is nearly impossible to get through to in person. I said that I wanted to know if he had been able to make a counseling appt yet. That this needed to happen as soon as possible. That IC and MC need to happen now.

I also said that I needed him to not have contact with OW. That if he really means this then he needs to not be with her. That his words just shouldn't be damage control. That if I don't feel that he's sincere then I will have to go ahead with disclosure. (In so many words.)

I'd like to say this face to face but it's going to have to wait until tonight.

Any more suggestions?