For a few weeks now my WW has told me that she is scared to be around me. She cringes if I even touch her on the arm. Now yesterday she told me that she has dreams (nightmares) about me physically beating her and that is the reason why she hasn't slept much lately. She tells me that she is physically fearful to be around me.

I was speechless. I have never harmed her in any way. Never struck her, never motioned to, nothing. I told her that if there was ever a time where I would have done something like that it would be when I caught her at OM's place on Dday and I didn't do anything to her like that. Her response is that how does she know I won't do anything like that in the future.

I really don't know why she says these things and has this fear. Maybe another BF from her past hit her. I don't know, she has never said anything like that to me. This doesn't sound like fog. It sounds like a real mental issue. I did say some hurtful things on Dday, never acted on them, never would. Of course I was angry at the time.

Has any FWW ever used talk like this to hurt/confuse their BH?

Bear
I know you were keen for to come home so you could start MC etc, but I wonder if you should ask that she get some IC first.
I think you should also discuss this with her P preferrably with her there where she can confirm you have NEVER touched her or even motioned towards such an act.
It may be an excuse to not come home because she is not ready or could she be in contact again???

I have seen such excuses used to gain legal & emotional levers - it must of happened because its a suppressed memory etc etc - just you have to be careful & it won't hurt to have someone like her P know the truth from her.
If its just a fear response issue re guilt etc etc then ok IC will address, but you may want to at least have the start of addressing it before she comes home.

She is in IC now and I have already told her P's about her fear of me. Not described like this though. This is new. She used to jump away from me, I thought it was out of shame. Now she tells me it's physical fear and the dreams. Maybe it is her anger over A manifesting itself. maybe she feels she "deserves" that treatment so is thinking that it is real and will happen. Or maybe she's just pushing my buttons and using it as an excuse for her to stay at P's house.

Bear,

I also nevered hit my wife or abused her verbally. However, she caused such destruction in our marriage (emotionally, financially) for no apparent reason except mental health, that I was removed from my home because she claimed she feared me.

It has happened to me and it can happen to you. She may be setting you up to be removed because all she has to do is say she is frightened and you are gone! Trust me. The courts err on the side of caution so you might want to think about your next move. I would advise seeking legal advice before you find yourself on the doorstep.

It could also be that you use various forms of Angry Outburst, and those make her physically fear you.

The "line that shall not be crossed" is in different places in the perceptions of different individuals. In your perception you may have never crossed or come close to the line between "minor" AOs and "major" ones, but in your wife's perception you may be way past it, and being past that line, she may legitimately feel unsafe from other "over the line" behaviors from you.

Or she could just be bonkers.

If you AO at all though, it's time to fix that now and forever.

Two angry outbursts. First one was Dday when i caught her in OM bed. Ouch! Good thing OM was not there. Second one was month later when discovered NC was broken by intercepting explicit TXT msg to OM. Since beginning of our R til now, only two times where I have had angry outbursts. The second one, I think I crossed the line verbally. I said some pretty bad things. All this b4 MBs. Now I detach myself and don't get emotional when we have these talks. She tries desperately to push my buttons still.

Bear04,

Be very careful, for if she is truly mentally unstable she could seriously harm you, even kill you, during your sleep and claim that she did it because she was in fear of you. An irrationally fearful person is a dangerous person.

TMCM

Bear,

I'm sorry you had to catch your wife in an A. And I don't blame you for getting angry. I used bad words myself and it got me the boot. However, I stand by what I said before about protecting yourself.

Analyze whether you think your marriage is salvageable. You may think it is and she can pull the rug from out under your feet. I only speak from experience so please be careful.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bear04:
<strong>Has any FWW ever used talk like this to hurt/confuse their BH? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bear - I'm not a FWW, but I think I know the answer to your question.

Just about all WSs in the throes of their affairs HAVE to manufacture reasons and excuses as justification for their decisions. I'm sure a shrink could use the proper terms to describe this rationalization, but suffice to say to us laymen that it includes unhealthy doses of denial, delusion, and deception.

Good news for you > the wierder it gets, the more desperate they are to justify their actions.

The best response from you and other BSs experiencing these bizarre situations is to 1) objectively evaluate whether the WS has ANY rational reason to make these claims, then, if no, 2) ignore them. 3)Stay the moral high ground.

When is your next MC appointment? Obviously this fear needs to be addressed ASAP. Also you need to have a third party to immediately verify your history of no physical intimidation to protect yourself in case of police or court intervention. Make sure the issue is brought out into the open during your appointment and that your wife verifies no past physical intimidation. Check with a lawyer, but the therapist's notes may later prove valuable as evidence.

BUT her fear may be genuine although it may not be based on anything you think is real. It could be completely internal to her or there may be some external basis. Size and stance can be very intimidating, as well as blocking a person's way, expressions, etc. Don't forget that statistically, a W's infidelity does increase the chance of violence or even murder by the H. The source of the fear really needs to be addressed in therapy.

WAT- I am inclined to agree with your statement about a WS desperation. For the last 1 1/2 months I have been in control of my emotions, have a plan, speak to her calmly, rationally, and know what to expect from my WW's mouth (anything), thank God for MB's.

This latest talk really caught me off guard. I do think she is going delusional. As far as the law is concerned. I have thought of RO being slapped against me. Fact is, she can't afford a lawyer. She has no money to afford one, and her P's (who know all the bullsh!t that's been going on) won't support that.

Yeah, I think the answer is she's getting desperate and is trying to hurt me where it hurts the worst. Not gonna work because I know WW is on the mothership, I await her return.

I will still have sitdown with P's and WW to address this, although my fear is by doing this I give it validity. This is serious enough that I cannot ignore it. Will also bring it up to MC when I have IC tmrw, WW meets has IC next day, so I know this will be addressed.