Hi, I've lurked on this site for a long time, probably 2+ years. I've posted a couple of times under emotional needs but I think I am at my wits end and am not sure where to go from here.

First off this doesn't involve an affair that I am aware of, although I have a gut feeling dh is chatting with women on line and has probably signed on to a dating site (he's done it before when were weren't getting along).

We've been together for 5 1/2 years, married for 4 1/2. We have a 2 1/2 year old daughter together. I have a 15-year-old daughter from my previous marriage and my exh and I have joint custody of her (week on/week off). My husband also has a 8-year-old son from his previous marriage that according to the parenting plan the custody should also be joint and week on/week off, but the boy has been with us full time since 02/04 and his mother has apparently just abandoned him -- she hasn't called him since August and has only seen him 3 times since February. My dh is in the process of getting the parenting plan modified so his exwife will be required to pay child support but I am sure that'll take a while.

This is going to get really long, and I hope some of you will make it through the whole thing because I really need advice.

In the 5 1/2 years we've been together, my dh has been on disability for 3 1/2 of those years. At the present time, his long-term disability carrier "cut him off" because they caught him on surveillance doing things he said he wasn't able to do. So, we've been without any steady money from him since 10/07/04. He got released to go back to work and was immediately laid off so we did get a little severance package and what vacation he had left but it wasn't nearly enough to get caught up on past due bills, pay rent, daycare, etc. He's filed for unemployment but it won't kick in for at least six weeks (according to him).

He says he's looking for work but has only had a couple of initial phone interviews and now nothing for over a week and a half. When he found out he was being cut off of long-term disability, he said he'd do anything to bring money in, yet when I reminded him of that last night he said he's looking but not having much luck (he's only looking in the field he's worked in the past) and he'll have to find a very understanding employer who will let him work from home quite a bit and have a recliner in his cubicle (yes a recliner, he says he can't work for any length of time without reclining).

I'll try go put this in a nutshell. I am tired and I know I am depressed. I am the one who worries about the bills and how they're going to get paid (and yes I work full time and make a decent wage even though I have almost $700 deducted every month to cover everyone's health insurance) I am the one that pays the bills, and make arrangements with the creditors if we can't pay them which is usually the case. The only thing my dh seems to worry about and I'll be blunt is when he's going to get "laid" next and puts me on guilt trips if I don't feel like being intimiate. And to be honest lately I don't even want to be around him.

I don't trust my dh anymore. We split up for about a week at the end of July and before he was even out of the house, he'd signed on to a dating website in the UK and he's recently changed all his passwords again, making me think he's at the dating thing again.

If I don't feel like being intimate, he downloads porn -- he even went so far as to watch a porn movie and masturbate in bed while I was rushing to get ready for work and get the baby ready for daycare and then got mad at me because I didn't want to "play."

When he first started looking for work, he applied to a job in England and told me after the fact. And then proceeded to tell me about moving, etc. and that my oldest daughter could just live with her dad and come visit in the summers. He was extremely upset with me that I wouldn't even consider moving until she graduated from high school. At this point, he told me he couldn't believe I'd let him move without me since a lot can happen in two years. Hmmm, can we say manipulation and guilt trip?

I know I am rambling and I am sorry -- I just have so much on my mind and I don't know what to do.

Okay now, I don't get a long with my stepson -- haven't from day one (I know it's a terrible thing to say, but it's true). He's not a very nice boy -- he lies constantly, steals, he's cruel to the animals if he's not watched like a hawk and has even been cruel to my youngest daughter.

With all that said, I am trying to figure out why the heck I am sticking with this. When I took my vows I meant them, but sheesh when is enough enough?

He's a good dad to our daughter, although honestly I do most of the childcare. Even though he doesn't go to work, he just sits in his chair in the mornings while I rush around trying to get myself ready for work and my youngest ready for daycare.

I don't know what I am asking, I just feel degraded by his use of porn if I am not ready and willing. I feel like I am just his meal ticket and I am being taken for granted.

We have been to marriage counseling (well not together because my insurance won't cover marriage counseling) but we went to the same counselor. She's pretty much told me I need to get out of this situation but I don't know how to without hurting my daughter and I won't allow joint custody for reasons I can get into later if anyone wants to know. She's also told my dh that he needs to get his son into see a child psychologist which he has yet to do.

I don't know??!!!!!??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

What is keeping you from following your counsellors advice?

I assume that her advice is based somewhat on the fact that your H is not sufferring any consequences for his actions, right?

As far as your step son goes... why can't you step in a bit, and at least talk to his school? Or a child protective services organization? He's obviously got some major warning signs, and it doesn't sound like your H is capable of dealing with it (likely depression of his own).

I went through a lot of chaos in my M, and some of what you've shared in this thread is VERY familiar (the porn, the dating sites, the passive aggressive behaviour, the guilt trips, the not doing a darn thing around the house while I rush to get it all done myself stuff too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ). And from my situation, I can tell you, that things didn't get better until I left that toxic environment. I actually had LESS work to do around the house, and b/c I wasn't exposed to my ex and his crap, I was finally able to deal with my own issues, and get MY life back on track.

I wish you peace. And I hope that you continue to post in search of advice and support.

Karen

Thanks for responding Karen and thanks for the support. Main reason I am hesitant to follow my counselor's advice is I guess I am scared. Not scared of being alone or anything like that, but I've seen how my dh deals with his ex and the consequences it's had not only on our relationship but what's it done to my stepson and I am afraid he'll start pulling the same manipulative, underhanded crap he pulls with her on me and my daughter. He's even gone so far as telling her side of the family (they occasionally call to do something with his son) that if his exwife is involved in any way, his son can't attend and that his son's shrink has told my dh that his son is not to be around his mom ever again. An out-and-out lie -- my stepson was seen by our counselor on a couple of occasions, and she specifically told my dh that his son SHOULD see his mom but he was in dire need of emotional help from a child psychologist - which as mentioned in my initial post he has yet to do.

I am scared because I can't figure out how to get him out of the house or even if I can afford the house on my own (I currently rent and my landlord is great) but due to his disability and the lack of money we had to file bankruptcy a couple of years back and it's really hard to find another landlord willing to rent to someone who has filed bankruptcy.

I am scared because I know he'll find someone else in no time and I'd rather my daughter not be subjected to that kind of confusion (he'll try his hardest to get me out of the picture and make her the mommy) he's been trying to do that with my ss but it hasn't worked -- he'd rather not deal with the day-to-day of raising his son, but wanted me to do it and I finally caught on and backed off and disengaged and made him responsible.

Sorry, I know more ramblings, but I am just so confused. Thanks.

Feeling scared is normal. The actual leaving is the hardest part... anything after that, is easy in comparison.

Do you have any women's shelters in your area? Even a hotline you could call to seek professional advice? (that's the route I took,and they helped me to formulate my plan to get out of the toxic environment in a healthy and safe way, for both myself and my children).

You're also scared about HIS reactions. Again, that's normal.. BUT... you also have no control over them (you've been lurking for a few years, so you know all about that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ). You're already living your life in fear of them as is, right? What's the difference?

If you can't seem to think rationally about yourself, then try to remove yourself emotionally from the situation, and focus on doing what is the best thing for your kids. ALL of them, step son included.

I hope others chime in on this thread. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I've been away from MB for a while now, and am quite likely not going by all of the MB principles right now (time for me to do some re-reading! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ).

Abuse issues aside (b/c you obviously aren't able to see what your H is doing to you as severely abusive), have you done all that you can to save your M? Maybe focusing on that can help you to move forward? (it's a hard realization to come to, but logically, you know if you're there or not).

Karen

Thanks for replying again Karen. I really and truly don't know if I've done everything to save my marriage. I can't get past my resentment to do a good Plan A and not LB. I know my ENs aren't being met and haven't been for a long time and I know I am not meeting his #1 EN for SF, like I said I don't particularly even want to be around him. But another factor in this is none of the MB concepts can really be used since there's also substance abuse in this relationship. My dh is on narcotic drugs for his back pain, he also drinks heavily and smokes marijuana from the time he gets up until he falls asleep or passes out on the chair. I can't do a good Plan A until those are dealt with and he truly doesn't believe he has a problem. I've asked him to fill out the EN questionnaire and he thinks it's a joke. When we split up for a short time in late July/early August, he had to promise to get marriage counseling. He's missed several appointments and we're now out of insurance-covered counseling until May of next year. So . . . ????

I've contacted an attorney, who just called me back and I'll get the ball rolling that way. If worse comes to worse, I'll call a women's hotline.

Thanks again.

My "aha moment" to leave my M was when I truly realized that my H didn't think he had any problems either.

You're right.. with your H having those other addictions, it's THOSE that need to be dealt with first, before any marital recovery can take place.

It's good to hear that you've contacted a lawyer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Knowledge is power, and it will help you to make informed decisions, instead of emotional ones.

Karen