I posted my story under the wrong section. Many kind posters have directed me to this forum, so here goes......

Fiance' (or should I say ex-Fiancé'?) has moved out. This isn't a surprise. I've begged him to get counseling together. He has refused. Fighting has escalated.

I believe I've been emotionally abused by a partner with an anger management problem (classic name calling, mirroring, and deflecting are his prime attacks.) I'm willing to take responsibility for many of the arguements, but over the last few months I've really felt abused.

I'm MOST frustrated that my Fiancé' claims it's all my fault. He wouldn't get so angry if I wouldn't _________.

Normally I consider myself a very strong woman, but I must admit, in the last year I've been doubting myself. Looking at the accusations from my partner, and even believing them at times! I've been walking on eggshells so I don't upset him. I've even been willing to accept all the 'blame' just to get the fighting to stop.

Our fights escalated (I did a bunch of love busters along the way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ). The last two arguments involved him 'yelling' at me in a public place. The public place was a new issue.

Finally, after feeling like I have jeopardized my emotional integrity, I gave him an ultimatum. WE go to counseling (if only for 'me'), or we walk away (he had always agreed to counseling at the beginning of the relationship, he only refused when the going got tough).

Well, he's moved out. Almost everything is gone. I've been supportive. When we talk, I express that I feel there is hope, but I respect his decision to 'find himself'.

Part of me thinks this is a blessing in disguise. Another part hurts very deeply.

I still have some 'hope' that he'll have a miraculous turn-around; but, the reality of that is unlikely. I believe it's time to begin letting go.

How do I stay healthy through this life change? I'll read/do/practice any suggestions you may have.

This hurts more than I expected <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Bump.

Anyone have a few words of wisdom to share? I could really use some support.

Eventually, I hope to provide support in return; but right now I'm just learning <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi Map !

So sorry you find yourself in this situation. Most of us on this board know what that pain feels like <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

There are a few experienced posters here who have dealt with anger issues in their partners, so keep bumping up to get their attention.

As a married betrayed spouse I can't offer much personal insight other than to say that one thing common to the emtional health of ALL folks recovering from R problems is that you should take back the permission you have given this man to be reponsible for your happiness. YOU are responsible for that.

Also eat properly, exercise and socialise. DO not mope.

All blessings.

Hi MAP,

You can't "fix" your fiance. He is going to have to learn to control his anger and learn how to respect you as a person.

It appears that you have given him a clear boundary that he must attend counseling with you and learn to deal with his anger...

I wouldn't "take him back" until he shows you that he's learned to control his anger consistently and will no longer treat you in such a disrespectful way.

Semper Fi,
RIF

I agree with the other posters. Anger issues are very hard to overcome, you cant just wake up one day and poof, all the anger is gone. I would say to tread very lightly and get prepared to leave, especially if he wont go to counseling with you, anger like this can turn real ugly real fast, you need to prepare yourself mentally to break away from the feelings you have if you need to leave. If you dont prepare yourself to leave at the same time as trying to make things better, you will probably keep returning because you "miss" him or something, prepare yourself to leave, then if you have to, leave, and dont look back.

Dealing with somebody like this for a long time can make you weak, as youve already experienced, it doesnt get any better, and before long youll be the one on the Maury show that is not able to break away because they fear for thier lives, feel worthless to themselves and anybody else, and some actually start to feel that thier H is just doing what is best for them, that if you didnt do this, or didnt do that, or said this or that, that the H wouldnt get so angry, dont buy into it, its not your fault he gets so angry no matter what, me and my W have had many arguments that didnt result in these kind of attacks your dealing with, there is no excuse for it, angry or not.

My advice, and I am by far not an expert..... prepare to leave mentally, but hope for the best. Anger issues are not an easy thing to beat.

I know that it doesn't feel like it, but this is a blessing in disguise. If you were to marry him, things would get much worse.

Start taking care of yourself, and getting your own life. He may or may not make the effort to get some counseling, but you must take care of you right now.

When my husband left, I started exercising, cleaned the house spotless, organized, rearranged, went out with friends, started a new business, joined a women's support group, and just generally kept busy.

You might also see a doc for some anti-depressants if you get too low. And stick with us and we will help you through this.

My response to this is...

Angey people who are abusive emotionally don't "get it". I know...it was me. Especially the part where I gained strength from my spouse's insecurities. If she got upset it meant she cared! It took me 38 years and an impending divorce for me to address it. It did not stop the divorce as I had hoped. It did not stop her from having an affair. However, after months of therapy she noticed the change as did I. We're trying to reconcile now...

So my advice is..address it NOW....otherwise your life will not get any better. There's reasons why he's angry.....that most likely have little to do with you. My XW always, until recently, took that VERY PERSONAL...if he chooses not to go with you...(as I did)...he should lose you....

Good luck...

MAP, please go back and read the responses you have received in your original post (in D/D section). People are responding to you there and you provided more detail about your situation there as well.

Wow..... thanks everyone!

Your words mean so much to me right now.

At this point, the ex-fiancé' has moved out. All of his things are gone. And, you're not going to believe this, but so is the SHOWERHEAD!! LOL. I kid you not, he took the showerhead that he installed in my home when he moved in! I suppose I'm feeling better, since it actually made me laugh out loud <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

At this point, I'm feeling pretty up. I realize I'm responsible for my happiness, no matter what. I'm looking forward to reading the books that have been suggested. I expect down times, and am not afraid to truly embrace the loss, but ultimately I'm choosing to view this as a blessing (at least I am today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

In some ways, I'm starting to feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Especially as I tell my story and realize that I'm on the right track.

Ultimatums are never good, but sometimes necessary. I feel very confident in my decision. At this point, the only thing I have control over is how effectively I heal.

And I'm not sure if anyone has ever used this particular strategy before, but I adopted a puppy from a rescue center! I lost my beloved companion of 11 years last July to brain cancer. We were waiting to get a dog until after the wedding, but I thought..... what the hell! I'm a huge animal lover, and to anyone who's ever had a dog, you understand that there's no such thing as coming home to an empty house <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . My home feels alive with this miraculous little bundle of black lab energy (not to mention, that I'm pretty busy following the little guy around the house, and getting good at saying "go pee-pee outside" lol). I'd post a pic if I knew how. He's absolutely perfect.

Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your words of affirmation have helped tremendously.

More as it happens.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm MOST frustrated that my Fiancé' claims it's all my fault. He wouldn't get so angry if I wouldn't _________.

Normally I consider myself a very strong woman, but I must admit, in the last year I've been doubting myself. Looking at the accusations from my partner, and even believing them at times! I've been walking on eggshells so I don't upset him. I've even been willing to accept all the 'blame' just to get the fighting to stop.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't be too hard on yourself. When people don't take responsibility for themselves, thier feelings or thier actions, anger is very typical. It's not you - it's about them.

D.