Got an email from WW today, first contact of any kind since Sept. It was just a business like mail, saying she was hoping things were well and wishing me a happy holiday, and asking me a question about her car's title.

I guess I already know the answer to my question, was going to ask if I should just keep my reply on the same level, answering her question and that's it.
Been in Plan B since end of July.

If you are in Plan B, you should answer the question about the car's title.

Do you have an intermediary who could answer the question for you? Is this a question she really needs the answer to right now, or is she just trying to see if you'll talk to her?

If you must answer, I'd make it one sentence, specific to her question. Nothing more. Nothing less.

"Yes, the lease ends on June 20."

Short. To the point. End of story.

~ Snow

R U on the title? If so, you may want to keep it in your possession. Run around the block, go do some errands, take in a movie, go out to dinner, walk the dog..... let a little time go by, think about your response and then send one.

IMHO, I would respond about the title, thank her for her contact, hope she is doing ok (not well but ok) and don't let her know how you are doing. C/b leaving her wondering. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Okay.... edited as per Orchid's suggestion to you.

"Yes. I have the title. Holiday was good. Thanks for asking."

(WS sits thinking, "he didn't even ask how I was doing!" Hmmrph)


~ Snow

I say, IF YOU ANSWER AT ALL, wait at least a day to answer, and then, only about the title.

Will you chat it up should she leave permanently, and you, God forbid divorce, and fill her in on your holidays?

I dunno. I wish I would have stayed dark longer.

What really puzzles me and I should have mentioned this in my first post,
but me being a little slow, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> forgot all about it.

This is the 3rd or 4th time she's emailed me asking this same question while we've been separated. It's not like I haven't ever answered the question either. Each time I gave her the same answer.

Forward all the email replies to the same question (if you still have them) with no other comment.

Alright, things have gotten even stranger...

Was talking to my FIL, and he told me of some developments. A little background is necessary,
My W was adopted by her mother when she was around 3. The man she was married to at the time, they got divorced a long time ago and her mom is now married to the man that adopted my W.
They and the immediate family are not talking to W at the moment, because of this situation.
So my W, who throughout the years maintains a little contact with her mother's previous husband, I guess has been talking to him more frequently lately. (Trying to network around the family.) W told him that we were already divorced and I left her to go to TX, and she met this guy and they were in love etc etc.

Well, her mother and father found out about this and called her previous husband to tell him the truth. I was told he was very gracious about learning of this and would "take the appropriate steps" (whatever that means) so we'll have to see where this leads. Looks like the truth came down before she sent this email. That may have something to do with it.
My FIL warned me awhile back that she would try to work her way around the family. Looks like they made a good call. I'm thankful I have people like these in my life.

My W is really messed up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ November 29, 2004, 09:05 PM: Message edited by: TTSi ]</small>

You know,
the more I think about it, This question that she's asked before, has always been the way she has re-established communication during any time that we have been silent with one another for a period of time. Dunno why I didn't think of that before...

Yep, more questions in my email from W today.
The original question was about me signing the car she's using over to her. Can't do that as there is a loan still out on it that she's paying. So today she asks me to send her a letter notarized that says I'm signing the car over to her. That way once the loan is payed off, she can have it switched to her name.

I don't I'll do that. Once the loan is paid, I'll get the title in the mail and THEN I'll sign it over to her. Don't need to stick my neck out any further than I already have.

She also asked for my address, to give to our insurance guy. She did email me his number, so I could do it myself if I wanted. I'll probably give her my new address, as she doesn't have it anyway.

Other than that, that's all it's been.

First off, don't sign anything over to her. You're still married, and it's not in your best interests to help her separate from you.

Secondly, forward ALL her e-mails to your intermediary. Do not answer them yourselff

Thirdly, read item two again.

Fourth, read item two one more time.


Any other questions? Refer to item two and you'll be fine.

unfortunately, the intermediary is hosed.
I made a poor choice on a person who knows us both, Since that choice, I can no longer trust that person to relay anything properly.

On my side, friends and family have all been hurt a great deal with this, and I didn't want
one of them to hurt even more, in doing that for me. So I'm not sure where I can go with that...

About the title thing, I know it's not in my best interests to sign it over to her, but what do you say if she keeps pestering me about doing it?

TTSi,

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. My H has been doing the same thing to me......after we haven't spoken for a while, he will e-mail me something "business related." At the end, he will say "I miss you." Or "hope you are well."

It's sad, but he knows what gets me. He knows how to hook me. I have really had to try hard in my Plan B to not respond to those comments. The hardest part about it, though, is that it revives that tiny little bit of hope I have....."Is he willing to work on the M?" "He does still care." "He misses me like I miss him.....maybe he wants to be back together."

No matter how much I refrain from personal response, his words get me every time. And it's so hard to get away from it. Each time is a struggle, trying to remind myself "If he wanted to get back together, he would work on this M and recovery." "If he really cared, he would respect my feelings as well." "If he really missed me and loved me, he would go to MC, and work on this M instead of running from it."

But it is a struggle. And I long for the day that it gets easier <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . But at least I can say that now I have enough respect to stand up for what I want in the M.....and that I can be strong in my needs and desires for a healthy M - not just a M for M's sake. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Didn't mean to threadjack.....and not entirely sure you feel the same way I do when you get those e-mails. But just wanted to you know that I understand all too well where you are coming from. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

((((((((TTSi)))))))))))

Get a new intermediary. Can't find one? Go over to SYMC and hire Penny. She does it really well. I wish I had her as my intermediary.

L.I.T.,

You hit it right on the head. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Here we go again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Sent to me from my H this morning:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Thanks for sending me the check....hope you had a good Thanksgiving. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, it kind of helps knowing my H isn't the only person doing this....helps to just laugh it off as just another e-mail where he wants to "test the waters" of my Plan B. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hope you are doing well TTSi.......

Do you really think the emails like this are to test the waters?
I have my suspicions, but I'm trying not to start myself with any what-ifs.

I answered her original question, and did not have time to answer her followup about signing over the title to her yesterday. I was expecting her to have emailed me again today, wondering why I didn't email her back. But I did not get anything.

Still not sure how I'm going to answer her. (and it might well end up being someone else answering her.)
While I'm not going to sign the car over to her until she has paid off the loan on it, She's going to at least want me to sign it over after.
Refusing to do that is going to be seen by her as my trying to control the situation. Which is not something I want, as I did have some control tendancies in our marriage, and was always a big sticking point with our problems.
How would you folks handle it?

TTSi,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do you really think the emails like this are to test the waters?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In my specific case, yes. It has taken me a while to admit this, but I was really in an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship. My H was manipulative (although I still don't think he did it maliciously), and very degrading to me.

The reason I see this from my H as "testing the waters" is just that he wants to see if he can still elicit my love for him. He wants me to e-mail back "I hope you had a good holiday. Mine was awful. I did not have you, I miss you, and I am wrong. I owe you everything, since I had the A. I should put up with any kind of treatment that you want to give me because I had the A. I should forget about any things that might have hurt me in the M because I had the A. This relationship has ended to you because I had the A." Ugh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . I know I had the A, and I take FULL responsibility for it (always have, and always will) - but it does not mean I should be presently called a "whore or slut" or told that I will "spread my legs for anybody." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Sorry - a little angry now.

He wants to see if he can still control my emotions. He wants to know I still care about him because it makes him feel better. He wants me to respond saying we could work on the M - just so he can get the upper hand, and say "well, I'm sorry - you must have misunderstood - I really don't want you. You are a person who can never be trusted, or respected again. You had an A, and destroyed everything. Therefore, I cannot be with you. I deserve more."

Just a glimpse into what my M was like <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> .

So in my personal case......yes.

But TTSi, explain more to me about how you feel you were the controlling one in the M. Oddly enough, my H was the controlling one.....not me. And yet I find myself relating to your feelings here very strongly. Not necessarily what I would expect <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hey - we all have something to learn, right?

I am the way I am now because I have learn a lot over the last year. I wouldn't say I was a bad husband, because I know I wasn't. I just wasn't as good as I could have been. And that blame is squarely on my shoulders.

Although there was a time where I felt all of this was my fault, I know now that nothing can excuse her behavior over the last year.

My form of control was more emotional. For example, if a situation or event didn't go the way that I had envisioned it would, I would stew inside a bit, and withhold things like affection and kind words. It would be common during this time for W to ask me what was wrong. I would usually reply with "Nothing."
That kind of thing. The last few years of our marriage I had softened up quite a bit. And things were going pretty well.

I think I was 'emotionally unavailable' too often. At least in my view anyway.