A breif history - Posted on Recovery Board

My husband had an affair with a women we go to church with. He plays the drums in the band. The music is a big part of the church we go to.

He has never wore his ring to church because he says he cannot play the drums with his ring on. He has tried it, his fingers swell and the ring snapped in too. I had it fixed. He does not wear his ring to work because he works on airplanes and they suggest that he does not wear it. The rest of the time he tries to remember to wear it.

Since the affair he has gotten better. He does not wear it to church when he plays but he does have it in his pocket. I guess he thinks this will make me feel better.

Last night we went to church for the Christmas play pratice. I mentioned that he did not have his ring on. He said he forgot. When we got there I started to notice that all the other married men there had their rings on.

It really upset me. My husband said I was over reacting. That I should not struggle with this because he has bent over backwards to show me that he loves me. I will have to say he is doing wonderful. I told him a ring is just a ring and what does it really mean. Maybe I should take mine off to until we both are serious about what they mean and agree to wear them.

Our rings have always had a special meaning to both of us I thought. I guess I was wrong. What do they mean? I hate to even look at mine now because it reminds me of this nightmare that I cannot wake up from.

I am not wearing min today.

^^bump^^

LiftedUp

As a man, my wedding ring had a special meaning but it was definitely more important to my wife. There were times I removed it to work on things so I wouldn't damage it.

If I forgot to put it right back on, my wife got nervous that I was not respecting what it meant.

However, it never diminished my love for my wife so what I am saying is, maybe you are looking into it too deep.

I think your husband's affair has much more to do with your feelings than the ring itself. You see him as still cheating when the ring is removed.

If the affair did not occur, would you feel the same way?

Rings are important to me as well. It hurt when my WH had taken his off. After about a month of him not wearing his, I took mine off- this was during his A, and he was openingly flaunting it. So I took mine off as well. WH did not notice that it was off until a few weeks later when I pointed it out and he got mad. Anyway long story short we are both wearing ours again, and it is important to at least me.

I can understand your feelings completely. To me when a spouse does not see the importance of wearing a ring, I think they want to appear "on the market".

Best of luck.

LU,

Your going thru a LOT right now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> My opinion on the WR is that if you are M....and if you exchanged rings....they should be worn.

Now......your kidding about your H saying he can't play the drums with the ring on right??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I'm sorry LU but that is just a little hard for me believe.....

Does he like his ring??? May be get him a new one for Christmas in a bigger size if he needs it for playing the "drums"...Then see if he has a reason not to wear it.

Wedding Rings to me are a symbol to others that you are M. It is also an Unbroken-Circle which has meaning for a H and W. when that circle has been broken, may be one has a hard time wearing it?? OR may be it's an outward expression of an inward impression...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Anyhow.........my H is in construction and it is dangerous sometimes to wear his band. But other than DANGER to him losing a finger, the RING STAYS ON~

Im thinking of new rings for us soon!!!

Blessings,
Atruheart

HusbandLost you wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

If the affair did not occur, would you feel the same way?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Should the BS have to look it this way???? OR should the FWS look at it this way???

I think that the FACT is the A happened, so may be "how one would feel if it didn't" is totally irrelevant now..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Unfortunetly that privledge of "knowing how one would feel if this never happened" was taken away by the FWS! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Blessings,
Atruheart

atrueheart

You are right and she will never have the privelege. But my point is, what else is WS doing to show that he is changing. If wearing the ring is the only obstacle, it could be that he is not comfortable wearing it. This DOES NOT mean he doesn't care. Or it could be just that.

I am a musician, as well. I play guitar and piano so wearing my ring is not a problem. However, I know other drummers who insist on not wearing it because it gets in the way of your hands. And the constant stress on the fingers can make them swell as she pointed out.

I just don't think she should drive herself crazy if this is the only issue. Your spouse can love you with or without a ring.

My ring is very important to me as is my WW wearing hers. I believe that both of us wearing our rings are important to her as well.

During her A she only took her rings off because I wondered why she was still wearing them. About 1 1/2 weeks later I finally had gotten her to put her engagement ring back on.

It was really weird. At the worst part of her A she was wearing her rings on the right hand and actually stole my ring out of my dresser and then asked if she could wear it next to hers.

Since then we have both removed them to do certian chores and I have removed mine once out of shear frustration with her...she did not like that in the least.

So it sounds to me like it is up to the couple and persons in a relationship to decide/agree on what the rings mean to them.

<small>[ November 30, 2004, 08:28 AM: Message edited by: greergan ]</small>

I agree! The A did happen, we can not change the past, however insecurities are now present and WS need to understand that about the BS. When my H is 30 minutes late with out calling I immediately think that he is out with her. H says I should trust him, but then does not tell me why he is late. Before the A I would be okay with it, not anymore. Just another example.

<small>[ November 30, 2004, 08:33 AM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

KMEJ,

You make a good point. I never had an A but was accused of it all the time if I arrived home an hour late with Home Depot bags in my hand. Insecurities come from within but are made worse when a spouse goes wayward.

ATH,

I am not kidding when I say he does not wear his ring when he plays the drums. He says it gets in the way and it has broken twice and had to be repaired.

The drum thing does not bother me. Not wearing it at work does not bother me. But I would like to see it outside of those times. It just warms my heart to see it.

I know that you can have an affair with or without a ring. Wearing it does not stop someone from doing what they did. I guess for me it means more than just a ring.

We are human, yeah we all have insecurities. However before the A, I never thought my H would cheat on me. HE always told me that he would never do that. I was nieve and I believed him. I trusted him, if he was out late it was no big deal, if girls hit on him and bought him gifts he always shrugged it off, I did not like it but I trusted him (yeah stupid). Now I ask him what he was doing when he is late and his response? "your mom", when I ask him where is has been he either does not answer me or tells me some obvious lie. He is a different man then the one I married. Somethings are better then before the A, some are a lot worse. WE are married, we need to meet our spouses needs, that means both spouses, in order to make this a happy workable marriage. We all can not be right all the time it is about give and take.

My marriage was great before the A. We have had a bad year- health, kids, money, FWH turned 40. He just checked out of life. I do not think he was looking to have an A. The OW made it availibilty. She knew he was married. He could have said no but he did not.

We have a wonderful marriage now. Things are not much different. We do communicate better. Our time spent together means the world to both of us and we try to make it special. Before we were just passing time.

How about this? Throughout my WW's A she wore her wedding ring. The A was w/ a single OM. I cringe to think she wore it during that act. I'm sure she did, hasn't told me otherwise. After Dday, she took it off, and has had it off for almost 3 months now. She said she doesn't "feel" married so she won't wear it. That's the hard part for me. While she was in the act of an A, she wore it, now she won't. Didn't her actions show that during the A she wasn't feeling or acting M, but now she won't where it?

Also, she has asked me why I continue to wear mine. I don't wear it in front of her anymore. I have thought about this lately and don't know why. I think I don't want to show her any weakness. She can do it to me (not wear ring) so I can do it to her.

Need a little input from the W's on this one.

Hi, there LU.

Just a thought. Some people don't see the ring is a big deal. It is how they act and what they share with people about the fact they are married. That's me!

So for a different perspective, in my case, my WH has said recently that one of the reasons that he wants a divorce is because I never bought him a ring! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> AND in his trade he cannot wear a ring as he could get his finger literally ripped off! So even though it is a symbol, sometimes it is a big deal and sometimes it is not.

So, if he forgot once or twice, and he is trying and he has valid reasons, why would you feel it necessary to take yours off? Do you go to church together? Have you reminded him gently. "Honey, do you have your keys, your wallet, your ring?" Something like that. It could help the feelings of insecurity. Just a suggestion. But IMHO that could make the ring a non-issue. IF he still "forgets" then that would be something different wouldn't it?

LU,

you wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know that you can have an affair with or without a ring. Wearing it does not stop someone from doing what they did. I guess for me it means more than just a ring.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Make it VERY clear to your H.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> that it is that IMPORTANT to you!!!

And Lu, I may not understand the drums issue....but for church wouldn't he only be playing the drums for 15-20 min. max???? Would his fingers swell that quick?

I don't mean to try to put a damper on this....but as the BS I think your H has the responsibily of doing anything he can to reassure you of his "commitment" now to the M.

A ring is such a small thing........it shouldn't really be an issue.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> especially at church where he is visable to the OW.

To me "his suffering" with the finger thing for "short" of a time.....is not a lot to ask... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I am of the feeling that the sometimes we as BS's don't ask for things (strong enough) out of fear of LBing....I think that should go BOTH ways...FWS's should bend over backwards to make us BS feel secure (a wedding ring is one of those things to some of us!!!)

Blessings,
Atruheart

The ring does not mean anything and it does not prevent anything. It is your spouse's determination and integrity that counts.

My FWH always wears his wedding ring, never takes it off. The OW knew very well that he was married to me and had two small children. She and him did not care. It makes me want to throw up when I think how he touched her with that hand with his ring on. The ring I gave to him as a sign for "Amor y fidelidad". Selective vision, selective reality. In the fog of the A they just see what they want to see.

A ring means nothing.

Actually, the ring means something to her or she wouldn't be posting here about it. His failure to consider the fact that it's important to her is a problem.

My H lost his many years ago and it drives me NUTS! I keep trying to strike that fine line between telling him how important it is to me and nagging.

What I really want is to have him get one tattooed on so he can't lose it this time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dobie

Fighting Alone,

My husband and I have had this conversation before. I should not have to remind him on a daily basis to put his ring on. He does not have to remind me.

Hi IP!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> nice to see ya!

you wrote this:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The ring does not mean anything and it does not prevent anything </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe this too!!! BUT....I must add a big BUT.....to "some" their ring is like their M certificate!! With your line of thinking does that mean the M doesn't prevent anything??? It's suppose too!!! It is a tangable reminder of a commitment. It is an outward sign to a S of the commitment! It is a sign to others....though they may NOT CARE that one has taken vows of M.....

Weather one feels the ring is important or not is not the question......the question is IF a BS feels it's important what's the BIG DEAL in wearing the ring???? It seems to me that if LU has told her H how important is to her....irreguardless of it prevents anything...doesn't matter!!! The question is the S who makes it look as if their needs are always MORE important!! And that is NOT a healthy M or recovery.....IMO.

You could then ask this question.... "Why do we buy Wedding Rings at all?" ......if there is no meaning to them????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Off my soap-box! lol
Blessings,
ATruheart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />