hello, i have been hovering alot lately, and i have another question for all of you seosoned veterans. my ww and i go back to mc today, exactly 6 weeks since dd and nc. we have been going to mc for a year, tho obviously, it was a waste of time until the a was discovered. she says she is willing to try to work this out, but i just dont see a whole lot of effort on her part. i have been trying to meet her en's, but she doesn't seem to care about mine. is it to son for me to expect her to make a serious commitment to our m and to expect some effort? i dont know what to do, some days seem good, where i can see hope ,and some days, i just feel like throwing in the towel. but i think that may be my male ego, because i love her so much, and i know i want us to be together and better then ever. do i relax, and back off and quit expecting anything so soon? i really do want to learn to love her unconditionaly.thanks for any input

Is the A still going on? Does she still have contact with the OP? If she does, you're right, MC may be a waste right now.

Talk with her about contact, and stop MC until contact is stopped. Make a plan for what will happen if you know there is contact (Plan A, ask for no contact, expose...expose...expose) and if there is no contact (continue MC, devise accountability, come up with a recovery plan).

the a is over and there has been nc since oct 20. do i need to wait until she is thru withdrawal before trying to plan recovery? i dont know where or when to start. i dont want her to feel like i am giving her an ultamatum.

I think MC is appropriate now...if she is willing...if she is going along and not being truthful, then it's a waste of money.

Time to have a real talk with her about how the A happened, what EN's were not being met, and come up with a recovery plan...

1. Establish which EN's you both need
2. Work out a plan to fulfill your partners EN's
3. Cut out all LB's
4. Set rules for accountability (calls before leaving work, passwords given, cell phone accoutns open, etc.) whatever each of you need to feel safe and trust again.
5. Change...change your habits and lifestyle to produce a better M.
6. Apologize for your part in the demise of your M.

Is that enough to do?

stillheremakingit, thanks for the input, i think i am doing all of those things, problem is, she is still in withdrawal and doesn't seem to care about meeting my en's. i know i still need to back off and give her more room and time, the mc we go to agree's that that is what i need to do. but , it is very difficult. i guess it is natural to sometimes want to give up and walk away, but my heart says,'stick it out and try harder". don't know what to do but keep on trying.

Yep, wait out the withdrawal...

Are you sure there is NC?

I thought my H was going through withdrawal, when actually he still was in contact with OW. Just something to think about, I hope not. What assurances has she given you?

i feel stupid saying this, but all she has given me is her word. i ask her point blank in front of mc and i really believe therehasbeen nc.the om is in fla. and we are in kansas, so it was mostly just over the internet, altho they did manage to meet at least 4 times that i know of. it lasted for about 15 month's, and was seemingly pretty intense for her emotionally. looking back ,i can see that i was not meeting her en's, and have told her that and that i am willing to change.[in fact i already have, she told mc that she could tell]. she is having a hard time with the withdrawal, and today at mc, we talked a little bit about seperating after the new year. i think that feels like a step in wrong direction, tho i have heard it sometimes can help. any ideas on how long her withdrawal will last? i am willing to do whatever it takes to work this out, i just dont know how long i can maintain this feeling when getting nothing in return. thanx for listening