Husbandlost-
you are a stonger person then I. My H pulled lots of cr@p as well.

The OP was our children's nanny, a "friend", we were friends with her family, and she was our youngests god mother (who was 3 months at the time).

Long story rather short, caught OP and H in bed, found 2 year old upstairs watching Toy Story 2 on loup eating M&M's still in his pajama's at noon. COuld not find the baby anywhere or I would have packed up and left- oldest in school. Anyway finally got H to tell me where baby was took him and left. H stayed gone for whole weekend, and then began flaunting affair in front of me and kids.

H lost job refused to get new one, took savings and went on trip with brother and OW to Cali while I stayed home working to pay the bills and take care of three kids.

H became violent and verbally abusive. Very hard to live with. Spent little to no time with the kids. Lived in basement and snuck other person in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Had her over while I was at work...

Anyway I decided to move on and he came back. Weird how things happen. Things are not perfect but they are better.

Still I constantly wonder if he is still seeing OP.

That is the short verson with lots left out. However I wanted to tell you that you are strong and that this is hard, however do not make rash decisions yet. Yeah the stuff she pulled is down right wrong, however do not write her off yet, and if you are done, try your best to keep it civil for the kids.

KMEJ,

Hard to imagine how you stay with a person like that after all they've done. How do you trust him? Are you putting up with it for financial reasons/kids.

I couldn't blame you for that because it's scary going it alone. Especially if you are not working.

Funny though, I did none of that, yet my wife refuses to take me back. Then, she pulls all this to hurt me. She has no job and is just rolling the dice. We own 2 homes so she's banking on getting both of them. Yeah. And pigs fly.

I'm the one who is civil and calm. She is going to find out real soon how difficult it is being alone with 3 kids. She has family but we all know how long that lasts.

We are done because the level of trust is 0. Found out after I was kicked out she'd been trashing me for a year to my siblings without my knowledge. All while we were planning our third child.

She is very sick and I need to move on for myself and my kids. The biggest problem is not being able to come back because of the order. She also holds that thing over my head every chance she gets. But I've stopped all communication since Saturday when I found out about the Christening. Now she's desperate to talk but it's over now.

I am not sure why I stayed. I love the guy for one. Partly I stay for our 3 kids. Partly money.

Yes I do work, 2 jobs actually- and thinking of getting a third because I want to join a gym and H says I can not b/c that would be selfishly spending money- so I am thinking of applying to a gym- work in the daycare and bringing my kids with me to work, then I get a free membership and paid at the same time. H buys stuff for himself all the time and he does not see anything wrong with it, he is so one sided at times.

I was ready to move on with out him but when he asked for another chance I had to say yes because I do still love him and I do not want a broken home for my children...

always second guessing H, he leaves early- I ask where he is going, he will not tell me. I question everything. I hate not trusting him. I hate that he gets mad if I go out myself, or spend time with friends. I hate that I am a single mother with 3 kids and yet am married- does that make since? H is never home when I am as we work opposite shifts, and then he bowls on his days off or has friends over.

I want to be loved, and I want someone besides my darling boys to be happy that I am home. Sometimes I wonder if we made a mistake getting back together because I could be farther in the process by now, but other days I am so happy I stayed.

Does that make since?

KMEJ,

It makes perfect sense because you are in protective mode. However, this sitch is not very healthy and one-sided. I strongly believe in making families work, but where will you be 10-20 years from now when your kids are grown? Stuck with someone who couldn't care less about you?

I always felt my W put more energy and time into everyone else but me and this thought filled my head quite often. I am pretty relieved I can move on and maybe find someone I can enjoy life with.

But my heart breaks for those kids as we are extremely close. Christ! The supervisor has to pull my daughter off me crying after the hour is up!

I hate hearing this crap because I sometimes wish I was your husband. Able to cheat on his wife, spend his time and money as he wishes and basically treat his wife like crap without consequence. I'm jealous!

Hey KMEJ,
Sorry to jump in, but I just felt I should comment. After reading your two posts on this thread, I think I should warn you that the way things are right now - it's just a disaster waiting to happen. Seems like if your H isn't already seeing OW again (or never stopped), it is only a matter of time because there is nothing keeping him from doing it. No real agreed on boundaries, no agreement from him that he needs to work to build back your trust in him, etc.

The second thing is that you yourself are a ticking time bomb as long as things remain this way. As commited as you are to saving your M, being treated like that indefuinitely is going to wear you down in one way or another. I have been there. Whether it's practically losing your sanity, losing your emoional well-being, or losing your will to be faithful - well, things just can't go on like that forever. Something's gonna give sometime, there's gonna be the straw that breaks the camel's back, etc...

I encourage you to make a serious effort to find out if he is seeing OW, and if he is, or if he refuses to agree to some accountability - consider Plan B. I waited too long to move out of Plan A, and it was devastating to me and to the M.

I'm sorry for everything you've gone through. Guard your heart and mind - you do deserve better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithhopelove04:
<strong> Hey KMEJ,
Sorry to jump in, but I just felt I should comment. After reading your two posts on this thread, I think I should warn you that the way things are right now - it's just a disaster waiting to happen. Seems like if your H isn't already seeing OW again (or never stopped), it is only a matter of time because there is nothing keeping him from doing it. No real agreed on boundaries, no agreement from him that he needs to work to build back your trust in him, etc.

The second thing is that you yourself are a ticking time bomb as long as things remain this way. As commited as you are to saving your M, being treated like that indefuinitely is going to wear you down in one way or another. I have been there. Whether it's practically losing your sanity, losing your emoional well-being, or losing your will to be faithful - well, things just can't go on like that forever. Something's gonna give sometime, there's gonna be the straw that breaks the camel's back, etc...

I encourage you to make a serious effort to find out if he is seeing OW, and if he is, or if he refuses to agree to some accountability - consider Plan B. I waited too long to move out of Plan A, and it was devastating to me and to the M.

I'm sorry for everything you've gone through. Guard your heart and mind - you do deserve better. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think KMEJ knows this, lord knows many fine folks on here have tried to tell her this. She really is determined to be married to her husband AT ALL COSTS. I think she knows what she can expect. She is an intelligent woman and I think deep down (below the denial) she is very aware of the probablity of future (and current IMO) betrayal, but she chooses to stay. For that fact, all of the warning in the world will not change her. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Some people just have to go through this fro themselves. I have since long gave up on trying to "warn" KMEJ, she knows full well what she is suscribing to in staying with her husband.

I know what it's like to be a young, scared, devastated BW with small children. It was my worst nightmare come true, and I took an insane amount of crap and emotional abuse because I was so hell-bent on saving the marriage. It is a tough spot to be in when you are in a situation like KMEJ's. Out of all the BS's the moms with young children really have it the hardest. Seems we're always stuck between a rock and a hard place, and it is terrifying.
(((KMEJ)))

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithhopelove04:
<strong> I know what it's like to be a young, scared, devastated BW with small children. It was my worst nightmare come true, and I took an insane amount of crap and emotional abuse because I was so hell-bent on saving the marriage. It is a tough spot to be in when you are in a situation like KMEJ's. Out of all the BS's the moms with young children really have it the hardest. Seems we're always stuck between a rock and a hard place, and it is terrifying.
(((KMEJ))) </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I am sure. PLease don't think that I don't share my sympathies and concern for mothers in this situation. It is terrible for all involved. It takes an incredible amount of strength and resolve to move away from this destructive situation. My sympathies really lie with all of you who are in this situation.

Thank you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have been very blessed to have family that helps and supports me - although that has had it's own problems as well.

KMEJ, do you have any family that would help you if you ever need it?

Hello Lemonman and Faithhopelove04-

Welcome to the tread.

Lemonman-
yes I know I am leaving myself in this situation. I make demands of my H, he follows them for a few days, tries to bend them , I tell him no he gets angry, I back off. Bad cycle. Like I said earlier in the thread, I wish I had enough strength with in to do what Husbandlost is doing, just cutting my loses and moving on. Since we have been back together we have good days and bad weeks, the days are becoming more. However as of late he is really becoming misterious. Not coming home on time, not answering when I call, showing up after his friends he is supposidy with. I question, get no answer, but then he is really nice to me for a few days. I am looking into getting some spy softwear for my computer, I just wish I could bug his darn phone.

FHL-
I do have family, they are all torn on this one. Some want me to get the heck away from H, others say to do what I can (What does THAT mean <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ). Financally I can not make it with my 3 kids at the income I make, not after Health insurence and house payment there is no money left. Family really can not afford to help me much financially- nor would I want them too, I have been out of the house since I was 17, and do not know what I would do if I ended up back at home. We all see things so differently.

KMEJ, why don't you go to the cell phone place and find a guy to help you. Be really nice and smile a lot and say pretty please and ask him to print out the call log for the past 3 months. It worked for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Also, if you separate, he will have to pay you child support, so you wouldn't have to make it on just your income. And they don't play around with the child support thing - it's no small chunk of change the formula requires.

Know what you mean about moving back in. I did and it has been insanely hard. But I try to be thankful and make the best of it as much as I can.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> I am looking into getting some spy softwear for my computer, I just wish I could bug his darn phone.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KMEJ:

Lets say for arguments sake, you get some DEFINITE proof he is cheating, what does that really change? Are you still staying in this marriage b/c you believe that he is not cheating and don't have the proof yet? YOu are presenting some pretty hard core circumstantial evidence that he is cheating. If he is, and you are TRULY not going to do anything about it, then why put yourself through the torture of finding out? It almost seems to me that since you want to stay married at seemingly ALL COSTS , you are better of not knowing if he is cheating or not and holding out hope for the days he treats you "nice". Obviously I don't agree with this advice, but I am just trying to see it through your eyes.

The bottome line is: DO you think he is cheating or not? What are you going to do about it if he is?

I have copies off his phone records. On there the # has not been called, however it does not cover in coming or text messageing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />


I am 26 years old with 3 boys (almost 8, 4, and almost 2) they are a lively bunch and none of parents really want them there full time.

We figured out the child support when we were seperated, it would cover daycare...barely.

H says that he loves me, I believe that, I just do not think he wants to be here anymore, and that he feels trapped.

What made you finially decide to leave?

Lemonman- my gut says that he is cheating. Have not felt this way again until a few weeks or so ago. If I were to find out forsure that he is indeed cheating I would be so gone. Right now he swears that I am paranoid and that he is not doing anything wrong. He either does not tell me anything or has a good reason for things. I am not trying to justify anything that he does at all. I am torn here. go with my gut or what he says. My gut has a better track record, but I am afraid what if I am wrong and I up root my kids AGAIN. DO you see my delemia?

Lemonman- how is the training going? Also how are you doing from your ordeal the other day? Are you feeling better about your choice to be a doctor? I truely felt for you when I read your post to Cymanca I wanted to give you a big {{{{{Lemonman}}}}}}} hug!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> Lemonman- my gut says that he is cheating. Have not felt this way again until a few weeks or so ago. If I were to find out forsure that he is indeed cheating I would be so gone. Right now he swears that I am paranoid and that he is not doing anything wrong. He either does not tell me anything or has a good reason for things. I am not trying to justify anything that he does at all. I am torn here. go with my gut or what he says. My gut has a better track record, but I am afraid what if I am wrong and I up root my kids AGAIN. DO you see my delemia?

Lemonman- how is the training going? Also how are you doing from your ordeal the other day? Are you feeling better about your choice to be a doctor? I truely felt for you when I read your post to Cymanca I wanted to give you a big {{{{{Lemonman}}}}}}} hug! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, I see your dilemma...so then you have to really pull out all the stops to see if he is cheating. If indeed you would be "so gone" if he were cheating again, then I would triple your efforts to catch him lying. YOur gut is usually 100% right on these things. Your WH has unfortunately no credibility, so your gut must take precedence. I still am perplexed as to why you still stay married to this man judging from the poor way he treats you (yes, I know he sprinkles in a few hello's here and there, but overall a diseased infested rat should expect better treatment). I fear that even if he gets caught cheating again (and he will undoubtedly) that he will find a way for you to forgive him and give him another chance.

As for my training, it is going good, albeit slowed by a right calf injury. I am due to go to the gym in 15 minutes for a 45 minute bike ride and 20 minute weight training session.

Thanks for the concern over my ordeal. In reality it wasn't any ordeal for me compared to those poor family members who have to live with this FOREVER <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . I am doing better with this now. I love being a doctor and am thankful every day that God gave me the ability to do this in life....many many people are not as lucky to find their "calling" in life, and for this I am eternally grateful <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . AS bad as that day was, I feel prized that I had at least the chance to try and help them. It is a privledge doing what I do, and at times I just forget that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you for your concern. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am glad you are doing better.

What happened to your calf?

Are you working with a trainer?

Have you put your pic up on Faith's photoboard?

Do you happen to know if it is illegal to spy on the computer? Also is there anyway to do that with his cellphone?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> I am glad you are doing better.

What happened to your calf?

Are you working with a trainer?

Have you put your pic up on Faith's photoboard?

Do you happen to know if it is illegal to spy on the computer? Also is there anyway to do that with his cellphone? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">QUick reply before my torture session;

1. Calf was injured on a run I did last week. It has been slow to heal, Probably just a strain, but OBVIOUSLY my inability to rest it is hampering my recovery. EVen when I was at the hospital on call this weekend, I ran 10 miles on the Exercise treadmill Machine (Yes, I know...pathetic <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

2. I really don't think I ever will put my picture on that board. Just my intuition not to.

3. I don't work with a trainer, but am training with one of the physical therpaists who I work with who has a lot of experience doing triathlons.

4. I don't really know about spyware, many people here would be much better qualified to answer that question than me.

See ya <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

KMEJ,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We figured out the child support when we were seperated, it would cover daycare...barely.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I could be wrong, but I believe if you go through the courts child support + 1/2 of daycare is what they will award you. Check with the experts of the preg/child board. They are very up on the rights of mothers/fathers/children.

FF

good advice, thanks.

Sorry KMEJ, I have to agree with Lemmonman. You know what to do....you just don't want to yet.

You know, the one thing I wish for you is that you would be honest with yourself. At least be honest that you aren't ready to leave yet. Your reasons for staying are your reasons for staying. But face it - you are not ready to leave.

If you were ready to leave, you would be enforcing your boundaries. You would not be tolerating his behavior. You would do what it took to save money and hire a PI. You would let someone sit your kids one day, take time off from work, and follow your H. You would demand that all his phone records, text messages, etc be open.

But you haven't, and you don't. I think LM hit it on the head by asking what you would do if you did find out. Then you would have to take action. And that's what you've been avoiding all this time.

Please just be honest with yourself, and own up to your true feelings, and true motivations. Your feelings are your own, and they are not right or wrong. You work so hard to defend yourself here. Yet you never say:

"OK - you all are right. I am not ready to leave. Can you all help me to work on myself so that I feel strong enough to enforce my boudaries, and maybe then I will be ready to make another decision."

OR

"OK - you all are right. I am not ready to leave. Please just support me, and let me vent about my H. I do want to be married to him no matter what because I depend on him to be a part of my life."

It's not so bad just to be honest with your feelings, you know.