Hello--
I'm new to this board, bt have been going to the divorce board. I'm very intrigued by the talk I hear of Plan A. As I understand it, it is for marraiges in which there has been affair, though, so I'm wondering if it can be used in relationships that do not have that problem?
I"d like to learn how to be a better wife, and attempt more consciously to meet my H's needs.
Mind you, I know this isn't exactly possible: to meet his needs as he functions on a deficit and the void within him needs constant calm reassurances, and even then isn't filled up enough.
He says he's tired of making me miserable becasue I try to meet his needs, but I can't and I become tired, worn out, angry that I try and try and instead of being happy that I try so much, he gets frustrated. I"m always doing the wrong thing. If I cook dinner, that is great but what he says he really needs isn't dinner cooked for him but to feel that we are equal partners.
But when I was an equal partner, he rejected my input, or overlooked it.
You get the idea.
I know a Plan A might not work, I don't think anything will until he accepts his void, and learns how to deal with it, or get around it.
I can live with my faults and the idea that I can't fulfill him entirely. I do beleive I can come closer than anyone else to fulfilling his needs, and that once he learns the depths of his deficit he'll see that I'm as good as it gets for him.
But I read about your Plan A's and what you are getting out of them on a personal basis, and I find myself wishing there was a plan A for my problem.
Any advice?
Thanks for your help,
Lucy

sorry ... where in your post do you mention that your needs are being met?

Pep

Lucy,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I can live with my faults and the idea that I can't fulfill him entirely. I do beleive I can come closer than anyone else to fulfilling his needs, and that once he learns the depths of his deficit he'll see that I'm as good as it gets for him.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Read your above quote very carefully and then reflect on the question above from Pep.

I"d like to learn how to be a better wife, and attempt more consciously to meet my H's needs.
Read "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr WIllard Harley.

Mind you, I know this isn't exactly possible: to meet his needs as he functions on a deficit
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Why do you think this is not possible?
If he did not function on a deficit, his needs would be completely filled.


and the void within him needs constant calm reassurances, and even then isn't filled up enough.
So what happened to him so his needs are so great that it is impossible to even begin to fulfill his needs?
If his problems are this great, then he will need some serioulsly extreme, professional help.

He says he's tired of making me miserable becasue I try to meet his needs, but I can't and I become tired, worn out, angry that I try and try
Do you have any idea of what his needs are and how HE would like you to fulfill them?
Or are you just taking stabs in the dark trying to do what YOU think is best?

I can live with my faults and the idea that I can't fulfill him entirely. I do beleive I can come closer than anyone else to fulfilling his needs,
Which (in your own explanation), is gonna fall far, far short of his expectations and he's just gonna have to live with it. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Wow,
I did not expect you all to jump my case <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
and speculate about me as if you are suspicious that I'm a horrible person.
Is this part of Plan A?
LOL
Let me clarify what I was asking. My basic question is: can I use it? I mean, would it help in a relationship if there was not an affair?

I haven't read PLan A, and was hoping for the abridged version from people with experience in it before I read it, to make sure it's something I should read.

Maybe I totally misunderstood....Is plan A about our own needs? I was under the impression from other posters that it's about working hard at being giving to the needs of a spouse.
I guess I don't know the first thing about it.
Thank you all for replying although now I'm more confused than I was before!
Thanks again!
Lucy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lucycakes:
<strong> Wow,
I did not expect you all to jump my case <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
and speculate about me as if you are suspicious that I'm a horrible person.
</strong>
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think that anyone jumped your case to make any point other than....is your husband providing for your needs also?

It sounds to me like you would do anything/everything for him...would he do anything/everything for you?

Anyway, the Plan A that you are asking about is about 2 things.

1) Self improvement. I showed bad behavior that allowed my spouse to feel justified in straying. What are these behaviors and what can I do to change them to make myself a better person.

2) Doing what can be done to stop the affair of the straying spouse.

So I don't think that Plan A applies to your situation as you have stated it.

I would suggest using the MB website to your full advantage though. I would urge you to get your husband to use it also.

The book "His needs, Her needs" is a great starting place also.

Thanks CA 123
I think I"ve "met " you before-- before we started talking "divorce" tho, so it was a while back and a whole lot has happened since then.
To answer some of your questions, he DOES need professional help. I've been aware of that for a while now, but he is a do-it-yourself kind of man. ANd so far, he's done well this way, but ti's been slower. Nowadays, he' in yoga every day for an hour and a half, reading spiritual books, etc. and this is all good, but I think he needs to confront his parents, as friendly as possible, about their role in his emotional state (the deficit).
His parents.. well, it;s a long story. They had affairs right in front of him when he was quite young, but old enough to perceive what was going on. They were very cruel to each other and disrespectful. They had no regard for marriage or their vows. They divorced when he was 7, remarried when he was 11, divorced again when he was 12. Now, they have been living together as roommates for 12-13 years (no regard for divorce either). His mom and dad both are, in my opinon, very immature and screwed up, although well intended poeple with good hearts. On the surface, they look great. My husband is just like them in that regard.
But I love him anyway.
NOw adays, they don't fight like they used to. They get along for the most part and respect each other. They are bonded, they are family. But they are not romantically involved with each other, or anyone else. Seperate bedrooms, but now by choice, although I think they both regret what could have been.
He has some trust issues, cheated on by previous GF, etc. Plus, we have duked it out and bonded over many unhealthy emotional trials... as well as over wholesome experiences.
I can't shake the good experiencies. I really feel the bad stuff is in the past for us.
But, now he's left with this feeling, all of a sudden, that we aren't compatible.
We have come a long, long way. I feel as if we've both graduated from boot camp and now will have smoother sailing, but he hasn't seen it that way. He thinks we're defective because we went to bootcamp (without signing up) to start off with.
So, following his logic, we're defective and so we should just quit.
There's been no affair, no addictions, and the abuse is in the past. But the abuse came out of control issues, pushing each other away, frustration with getting needs met, etc.
And yes, he has told me what he needs-- but I haven't heard it until recently. I only heard him pushing me away, which was nothing new.
Now, I want to try those things. I know what they are, and I can do those things.
Maybe they will work, and the chasm won't be so great after all? Right now, I see him as having this void, like anyone else does. The difference is that most of us know what is realistically accomplished by another person and what is not, so we don't expect or ask for the unreasonable things. Does that make sense?
For instance, he wants me to be happy in myself, and he wants me to be a financial equal to him so that we'll do very well financially. Well, I'm a student, so I'm actually going to be able to do that someday, but for now, I"m setting myself back a bit with debt. However, I have only 1.5 years to go and I"ll be able to make the same has he does. Or I can quit and persue something else and possibly be doing as well in the same amount of time.
I should say I ask for the basics: we work, we have our house, we recreate with each other often, we have affection, we rear my son with trust and affection, we love our pets, we dine together.... my needs are fairly simple-- I need him to be humorous, affectionate, adventurous, attractive, caring, goal oriented... he is all of those things. I also need him to give me some freedom to do what I need to do to take care of myself-- before in our M, he didn't allow me to do those things. Had a lot of insecurites I would cheat, or that I was somehow out to get him.
WEll, we've been through heck and back and I haven't left him. I don't know about him, but that reassures me.
He's mellower now- lets me plan my day without reporting an hour by hour agenda, let's me be friends with whomever, and likes them now too. He is more open about my sister coming over-- complete turn around from the man he became shortly after we were married.
If I didn't wear my ring for whatever reason, he was offended. If I dressed up for work, he asked me if I was flirting with my boss for a promotion. I mean, he was NOT Cool at all.
Now he doesn't care. It's my finger, and I can wear my ring or not (i love to, but since D day, neither of us has). I can dress fancy for no reeason whatsoever, and he sometimes says I look good instead of acting all weird about Why I'm dressed up.
I got Mrs. on my checks because I love being married. I love having him to think about, to talk to, to play with (I mean recreate), watch movies, cuddle, and give me input. We have done so much fun and good stuff, shared so many happy times in such a short span of time... more than many poeple do in ten years, I'll betcha.
Then it started going sour.... we've had more bad times than most peple do in a lifetime, I betcha that too.
But none of that matters to me now.
I feel a lot like we are currently in the relationship we were supposed to have all along.

And I"d like to meet more of his needs. He feels we are too different, and I agree that we are different, but not too much so.
The thing is that I sense he's pushing me away again, and I have to ask "why"?
I can list a hundred and fourtyfour reasons he claims (not really) why he thinks divorce is the answer, and what it all boils down to is I think he knows on some level that he has this void, is easily frustrated, and that I'll never be able to make him happy. I think he's afraid we'll go back to how we were, or that I'll grow bored/furstrated with him.
Again, fear is at work in him.
And the funny thing is that I don't consider he makes me happy. I make myself happy, and all I need from him is the permission, comfort zone, and freedom to do that.
I need to be able to tlak about my son's dad, who died. I need to be able to have pursuits that involve women friends. I need to be able to take care of my parents when they get old. You know-- the things we all have to do whatever they may be- the agreements we make with ourselves that help us define who we are to ourselves.
He wasn't able to give me that freedom before, but he's come light years from where he was. basically, he's all I want in a man, and more.
I could have someone who is whole and not on a deficit, and in some ways I think I deserve that. But I'm not there. I'm married already, and I'm trying to deal with my life as is. I have an essentially very good man now, and I want to keep him.
I'm at the point where I"ll do anything.
I hope that lends a little clarity to my initial posting.
Thanks again,
Lucy

greergan-
Thanks for helping. I probably took the post wrong.
Also, THANK YOU for numbers one and two.
Yes, number one, I am definitely up for. But I have to change it, tweak it a little.
"Self improvement. I showed bad behavior that allowed my spouse to feel justified in asking for a divorce. What are these behaviors and what can I do to change them to make myself a better person."
Yes!
O thank you thank you!
Pep, Faithflulfollower--, sorry I took your posts wrong. I Do appreciate the help.
Yes, he has tried SO hard, exhaustingly so, to meet my needs. I love him for it.
Lucy