M

I went back and read this thread and I see a lot of what I felt in what you have written.

I got so wound up in "recovery" that it got it the way of itself. Every second of every day I was looking for a positive sign. At times I considered my wife even speaking to me to be a chance of reconciliation.....even if it was just her saying "bless you" afer I sneezed.

If she was sad, I though it was me. Then I would get sad, this would upset her and the cycle would perpetuate itself. Separating yourself from her roller coaster is tough but like was said here by ???? you can't hang on her every word.

This is a big picture scenario. Step back and get a view from some distance. Its that whole forest for the trees and a watched pot never boils type thing (do I need more cliche's?).

My wife told me countless times how we weren't going to stay married. Almost verbatim to what your W has said to you. I know that crap hurts but try not to let that get to you.

You're doing the right things, you've made her need a priority, communicating with her your's and trying to love her as best you can. That is really all you can do. The rest is up to her.

I emailed you 3 weeks of menus.....

God Bless

Doug

D_Rose:


I got so wound up in "recovery" that it got it the way of itself. Every second of every day I was looking for a positive sign. At times I considered my wife even speaking to me to be a chance of reconciliation.....even if it was just her saying "bless you" afer I sneezed.



I know this feeling, How did you break this ugly Cycle. She must tell me at least ten times a week that she does not love me and that I should just give up. I keep to Plan A and pretty son I will have HnHn and LB busters from Brey cloud. Tonight I cooked dinner, did the laundry (3 loads plus folded) cleaned the kitchen , mopped the floor and cleaned all of the counters and read ten chapters from Psalms. And worked ten hours today. All this and I get One little peck on the lips and the cold shoulder most of the night. GRRRRR


If she was sad, I though it was me. Then I would get sad, this would upset her and the cycle would perpetuate itself. Separating yourself from her roller coaster is tough but like was said here by ???? you can't hang on her every word.


This one we do to each other almost daily, If I even sigh she is like, Don't we have an attitude. And if I take 30 minutes to myself to answer or write in my thread, Then I must be in a bad mood.


This is a big picture scenario. Step back and get a view from some distance. Its that whole forest for the trees and a watched pot never boils type thing (do I need more cliche's?).


I kind of like Cliche's...LOL makes me realize just how blind I am. All I see is a burned down forest with me standing in the middle not knowing what the hell happened. Almost like my ww's A...


My wife told me countless times how we weren't going to stay married. Almost verbatim to what your W has said to you. I know that crap hurts but try not to let that get to you.


Yeah this one I hear all the time, and I am trying to step back and take a look at the big picture but all I see is hate and anger and pain. Everything I try takes energy that I'm running out of. I love my ww and I want to save this M and I'm willing to do anything, I just feel like I need a rest or mini vacation.


You're doing the right things, you've made her need a priority, communicating with her your's and trying to love her as best you can. That is really all you can do. The rest is up to her.


Well right now she has been reading SAA and she tells me that there is so much in there that reminds her of how she feels and what she is going through. She has her day's where she is carring and loving and almost hopefull <--- More me on the hopefull. And then she initiates SF or if she feels I need it she will gladly have SF with me. But then the next day she will make a remark like " I hope that last night did not get your hopes up" It kills me...

I also wanted to thank you for the three weeks worth of meals. I'm going to go shopping Wed and try the first week of meals. I like how it tells you everything you need and how to prepare it. I'm not even close to being a good cok but I would like too, this way I can help her more in the kitchen.

Doug, Thank you for all your help, I was told to read your story is it still on here anywhere?

Michael:

Everytime I read your posts I just laugh to myself (this is a compliment). You and I are so different in probably everything we do in life and in dealing with our WS, but I don't think there is a person I like more than you here. You seem like such a good guy that just keeps getting the living $hit kicked out of him on the playground but keeps coming back for more against the class bullies. I would have been honored to call you a friend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM

LemonMan:

Coming from you I will take that as a strong compliment.

History Lesson om Mschluter:

36 yrs old with ww and three children. Spent 12 yrs in the U.S Army where he served the last 7 yrs as a First Lieutenant with the United States Special Forces.

As a Kid I was that one who alway's got picked last and always got the $h!T kicked out of him and yes.. I was the guy who came back for more everytime..LOL

Why you ask? Because Bullies suck

I come from a very strong military family background where all of us Guy's got the Military and the Girls got College.

I married my Wife out of Love on first sight and even today have no regrets about our union. Love does not choose us it only guides us and helps us grow to be stronger and wiser.

My ww may be kicking the Crap out of me boy I see that it's wearing her down and every bully eventually gets worn down.

My time in the Military taught me never to give up and to survive all elements and to stay ahead of the enemy. Right now that Enemy is the OM and the WW only problem is I LOve Her.

I also would be proud to call you a friend LemonMan, My younger Brothers are all like you. They are so against my trying to save my M, they all tell me to kick her out and be done with it.

Thanks for your kind words and I hope I see more of them on my thread, you give me hope like all the rest do.

My goals for today:

1) Love my WW

2) Make Dinner

3) Clean the house

4) No LB's

5) Stand back and look at the big picture

6) Game night with kids

7) Plan A -- Plan A -- Plan A -- Plan A

<small>[ December 14, 2004, 07:18 AM: Message edited by: Mschluter ]</small>

Michael,

I forgot that you were in the Army....I'm surprised they didn't call you back in. I've been in the Air Force for 15 years....both me and my wife.

My story is spread all over this board. I've been working on one of those "This is my story" posts but have never finished it.

Short version goes like this......

In July 25, 2002 (less than a week before our first cruise) I found out she was having an A. It had been going on for......my best guess, 6 months at that point. They had professed feelings for each other in May 02. She wanted out. I went TDY for a week and then moved in with a friend for a month. She flipped-flopped almost daily on what she wanted to do and I was right there with her the whole time. I had several cases of whiplash from the quick direction changes.

In Oct I moved back home into the guest room. Our house was not a nice place to be. There was no interaction between the two of us. Indifference seemed to describe her feelings toward me. It was in this month that on a family trip to the beach she told me that she had had an affair in 99 also.

I was doing what I thought was a plan A, when in reality all I was doing was being a doormat. She was still in contact with OM (they worked together) and it was just plain hard to deal with all this stuff.

In November I found myself talking more and more to a woman that was going through a divorce of her own. Within a month, our emails turned into phone calls which turned into coffee, which turned into....you get the picture. For about a month I had an affair with this woman. During the time I had all kinds of good reasons to have the A, but in retrospect I was just being selfish. I told myself that I had tried for six months and nothing had changed. That I wasn't really having an A because there wasn't really a marriage there anyway. No touching, no talking wore me down.

I wasn't looking to have an affair but I did very little to stop it.

We ended our A in December. In Jan 03 my wife saw the cell bill with the calls to OW. She asked, I denied.

In Apr 03 a friend of ours told my W about my A. She confronted me and I confessed. I also found out that she had remained in contact with her OM as a friend. My wife saw this as the opportunity to make a clean break. on April 21 I came home to a half empty house. My wife moved out and into base housing.

It isn't until this point that healing takes place. For the first month it was horrible. I had lost 50lbs and was a scant 145. I smoked like a fiend and drank multiple pots of coffee a day. This is when I got serious about fixing me. I came here more and got involved in our church. I started the guitar again and started school. I wasn't really in plan B but the only interaction I had with my wife was in church on Sundays and when we switched our daughter from house to house. Over a couple of months we spoke only about an hour or so.

I really grew during this time. I was actually happy!!! I was sad that my wife and I were apart but had come to the realization that there was little I could do about it. We had been separated for three months and the sky hadn't fallen on me yet. I was still sad but not wrist-slittin' sad. People noticed the change in me.(including my wife) I taught bible school and went into the woods with 106 teenagers camping for a week.

While at this camp I had no cell phone, laptop or landline. Just me, my bible and a cabin with ten 6th grade boys. I was hit with pillows more that week than all other times in my life combined. When I got out the woods I noticed I had several voicemails. They were all from my wife. She wanted to talk about us getting back together. I was happy but at the same time skeptical. She had brought this up before and changed her mind a couple days later. When I got home I talked to my counselor. I had been seeing her for over a year and she had already certified me "fixed" but I wanted to bounce the whole getting back together thing off of her.

In a way I wasn't really ready to get back together. I was scared. I didn't want to lose this self confidence....the swagger, that I had found. So we waited. We set Oct 1, 2003 as the move-in date. We still had lots to deal with as a couple but we had dealt with our individual issues while we were separated.

The biggest reason our marriage is where it is today is because of our church and our trust in God. Taking the focus off of each other and putting it on God got us to where we are at. We have been speaking at our Divorce care group for the past 60 months or so. Our church did a sermon on forgiveness, showing a 10 minute long video of us talking about what we had been through. We are also starting a group/class for couples whose marriages are on the brink of divorce but don't want too. Funny where you find yourself sometimes.

I've left out lots. If you want do a search on my member #, most of my posts were in recovery and General questions.

Take care and God Bless

Doug

Well I'm still going through avery dark time, I have a website that I keep my thoughts on. I also have a song on there about faith and where I want to be. I keep my poetry on there and pictures of the WW and kids..

Tell me your thoughts...


http://www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fu...endID=4111558&Mytoken=20041214074228

I'm running out of room to move....

Today was my day off and the ww came home for lunch and within minutes told me that she is taking the boys and moving to her mom's. All of this is going to happen this weekend. She is going back to her job and giving them her notice. Her Mom lives two hours away.

Our Daughter will be staying with me. Until I can put the home up for sale and find something smaller for us.

As much as I want to save my M I do not have the strength to do a Plan B while she is out at her mom's.

I know she has not had contact with Om but she does drive by his work when ever she can. I asked her if this was because of Om and she said she was not sure.

She told me that she does not want the M and that she was moving out and that nothing I can say or do will change her mind.

I need some serious advice here.

She wants to sit down and tell the kids tonight when she gets home. I feel I have not done a great Plan A and because of mine and her LB's we may have done to much damage.

I don't know what to do that will help her feel safe enough to stay while I work on my Plan A...

I almost think she knows if she stays it might work out and make her look bad for all that she has done and said, so instead of possibly being wrong she rather run.

I know she will contact Om within days of getting to her mom's and for me that will be the last straw....

**sigh*********

I hate your WW>>>> Schucter, I am pissed for you. I think you have done a far greater job than many could have in your Plan A. You are a better man than me. I am sorry that this is happening. I however would not count on it just yet. Your WW could change her mind and give you a stay of execution. I don't have marriage builder (approved) advice, but you can get support here my friend. Keep your chin up. Please remember....your marriage is worthless if you lose yourself in the process.

shult,

I'm not sure what the legalities of her taking the kids is. Is there someone you can ask?

If she wants to talk to the kids, I would make sure you were there but let her do the talking. Your kids will ask questions of you so answer the ones you can and defer ones you can't to your wife.

When my daughter asked if I wanted to be a together as a family, I said yes. When she asked if mommy wanted the same I told her she would have to ask her mom that question. You kids might blame themselves for all of this. My daughter said she could be better if we just stayed together. You kids might do the same, especially the youngest.

All the crap your W is doing to you is bad enough, screwing with you is one thing but be prepared for you kids reactions. I was more pissed at my wife for her leaving and how that affected our daughter than about the infidelity.

IF she leaves, do the plan b thing. As bad as it feels right now I'll bet you'll feel better when she leaves and the tension leaves with her.

God Bless

Doug

What are we going to do with you? You want to save your marriage, right? Then time for Plan B.

I would Love to save my M but I can't do it alone and she is taking the kids. If she goes to her mom's then there will be no Marriage,

Her mom had an Om when ww was 8 yrs old and ww's father left mom and divorced her. MIL narried OM and is all for ww's A

MIL told ww that she has to think about her happiness and that if OM is willing to be with her then she should take the chance. and that our M was never meant to be.

FIL is against this whole thing. He is very upset but is powerless he called me today bit**** because ww called MOM and StepDad to see about moving down there with the two boy's.

I can't stop her from taking the kids, all I can do is notify CPS and tell them but they could remove children all together.

In oct I filled out the petition for a non contest Divorce and today I went to the attorney and asked if he still had the appers, He did and I braught them home tonight for ww to sign...

I'm hoping putting the papers in her face will wake her up a little..

any thoughts on this..

I would never bluff with papers unless D is what you want. If she signs you are done, wether it's your first choice, or not.

SS

Then what other choice do I have in this matter?

She told the kids tonight that they are mvoing with her to her mom's. I don't think there is much ground for me to stand on. My Daughter is very upset and so are the boy's...

It just feels so pointless...I'm trying so hard and everything she say's I just agree with her and nod my head. I told her if this is what makes her happy then go for it.

I did not get made, no LB's and I did not beg or grovel with her to stay.

So what else is there to do..

Michael -

Plan B. This is out of your control. But let her move, and read up on Plan B. You can still have contact with your children.

I know it may seem like you are losing her, but Plan B often brings the WS back to the marriage.

I'm not so sure, Her mom married her Om and they have a strong influence over the ww..

She just told me that she is having a hard time getting over Om but that she is now on day 22..

She came home gave me a kiss and then went right into attack mode..

Michael -
Listen. You cannot control what your wife does. You understand that, right? The only thing you can do is control your actions. She may be trying to lure you into an argument, who knows.
Talk to her and remain calm. Let her know that you want to stay married and love her, but cannot force her to stay. Don't threaten, blame, or argue with her.
If she does move out, then you can think about Plan B. Please trust in the program here.

Well it's official, She kicked me so hard my nose bled....

She has her stepdad coming down on Friday to help her pack and move her and the boys down with them.

Her real dad is pi**ed and wants to know what he can do to help me. He is not happy about this at all. He thinks his daughter is making the same mistake her mom did even though she married the guy they have not had a good life together finacially or emotionally.

Wife told me tonight that she needs to listen to her mom and at least find out for herself if this A will turn into more. As of right now she went 22 days with nc and it is PI approved...

So she wants to move two hours away and then start up again..

I am putting an order of protection through cps to keep this Om from being around my kids

any other advice or words of encouragement would be helpful

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mschluter:
<strong> Well it's official, She kicked me so hard my nose bled....

She has her stepdad coming down on Friday to help her pack and move her and the boys down with them.

Her real dad is pi**ed and wants to know what he can do to help me. He is not happy about this at all. He thinks his daughter is making the same mistake her mom did even though she married the guy they have not had a good life together finacially or emotionally.

Wife told me tonight that she needs to listen to her mom and at least find out for herself if this A will turn into more. As of right now she went 22 days with nc and it is PI approved...

So she wants to move two hours away and then start up again..

I am putting an order of protection through cps to keep this Om from being around my kids

any other advice or words of encouragement would be helpful </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Micheal, not much you can do here. As much as this sucks, you just have to do your own thing and take care of your kids and be the best dad you can be. Your WW will just have to live with the consequences of her actions. At this point, you should try and preserve what dignity and self respect you have left. This is all a power play to see the OM. Now, she may get a little fix and then be back on your door step next week trying to "reconsile" during the X-mas nostalgia. Not much to add here...****sigh***. I guess you can take solace in the fact that people here have been far worse off and remianed married after all, so if this is what you want, don't give up that hope. Remember, when/if she resumes an affair with the OM, it will not last, at least you can take that to the bank.

Her real dad is pi**ed and wants to know what he can do to help me. He is not happy about this at all. He thinks his daughter is making the same mistake her mom did even though she married the guy they have not had a good life together finacially or emotionally.

Tell him he can help by not helping her move.

Maybe you weren't being literal.....but if you were and she kicked you, call the police and file a report. Go to the Doctor and get it checked.

If your kids aren't happy with what is happening and are pissed at your wife they will make it real tough on her. Kids have a way of just giving you the truth in a way that shuts you up.

Dude stay strong through this. Like believer said....you have control over you and that is it. Your wife is being led by her "feeling" and those will change like the wind. Know that she gonna sling crap and brace for it....stuff is easier to take when you know it is coming.

God Bless

Doug