it's her step dad that is helping her move. They are moving into a two bedroom trailer ( 1970 ) and she is going to sqeeze her and the kids into one bedroom.


She is quitting her job..

Today she told me that she was sorry for the A and that she needs to talk to me tonight when I get home.

My son told her that if she leaves him with the in-laws even once to go see OM he is calling me to come and get him and never wants to see her again, he told the ww this also, she cried and told him that she will not see the om again.

She say's she needs time to get over the A and that she is not sure if going to her mom's is the right thing.

I told her she has to do what she thinks is best..

I told her I love her and respect her and I want her to feel safe here. I want her to be able to talk to me.

She said we need to talk tonight. She then gave me a hug and kiss and left for work.


Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I am putting an order of protection through cps to keep this Om from being around my kids

any other advice or words of encouragement would be helpful
Keep the kids with you.

My son told her that if she leaves him with the in-laws even once to go see OM
Why do you think she's moving?

Until the CPS investigation on ww is complet I can't stop her from taking the kids, She is not to even leave the county with the kids or leave herself during the investigation.

Things are hopeless but I'm a strong person and will survive this and will be here for my ww when she is ready to work it out. She is now 23 days of nc and it seems like she is mellowing out a little but then has bad day's ...I'm hoping tonight when I get home she atlks to me and tells me that she is staying and sorry....

Until the CPS investigation on ww is complet I can't stop her from taking the kids,
And she can't stop you from keeping them either.
You have just as many rights as she does.

<small>[ December 15, 2004, 10:58 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

I feel if I keep the boys she will take it as an LB and me just being a jerk. Things have gotten so bad that today I called into work and made an appt with my Doctor because 20 mgs of Paxil is just not cutting it.

If she leaves then she has to deal with those consequeces. Our daughter has meade it clear that if mom leaves she wants nothing to do with her again.

My daughter is 12 and is taking things very hard. She has tried talking to her mom but the ww can be kind of nasty about everything, she say's she feels like were all ganging up on her.

Michael...

It' very likely that your wife will resume contact with OM.

She's facing several different consequences of the decisions she has made, and will make in the near future.

Your marriage could end.
Her relationship with the children could be damaged.
Her parental rights could be affected.
She'll have to face people who know she cheated.
She's looking at a life without OM, which also scares her.

She goes one way, she gets one set. She goes another way, she gets another set. She's being tugged this way and that. She probably honestly means to get away from all these competing forces so she can figure out what she wants, and which consequences she's willing to accept.

She's seeking a way to get none, which she of course will not find.

But if she can't figure out what to do, she might believe that running to OM will help her decide. She might tell herself, I have to see. Unfortunately, if she does that, it be such a relief that going to OM will suddenly feel like the right decision. She'll become anesthetized to the pain in store. She'll ignore that part and rationalize it so the consequences are all the fault of people who don't care about her happiness.

That's the big danger now.

You still have much in your favor. Don't go to plan B rashly. Remember, when you do it, you will no longer be able to show her that a life with you is a happy life with a good man. That demonstration ends when you go to plan B.

GC

GC,

I concur. Well said.

Noodle

Did something happen for her to move the date up?

I can't understand why she would move it up like that.

SS

I'M not sure either, She just came home from lunch the other day and told me she was moving to her mom's and stepdads. I did not argue with her nor did I do or say any LB's..

I have even stopped talking about the A and the R and just been focusing on being there for the kids and myself and her.

I know she has been spending a lot of time on the phone with her mom. So i'm thinking her mom is behind her choice to move.

She called me from work and told me that she really needs to talk to me tonight and that she has so much on her mind.

I'm not sure what she is going to tell me tonight.

Facts: She has had no contact with Om for the past 23 days other then a few times she has driven past his job without stopping.

So I guess I will just have to wait and see what she has to say.

Well the WW will be home soon, Dinner is done and house is clean and the kids are all done with homework.

Sometimes I ask myself if this is all worth it, Look at lemonman he made a clean break and seems ok.

How can one feeling one word ( LOVE ) make a person try so hard for something.

I know she is deep in withdrawal and all, and from what I get she may not be moving out after all. All she told me today is not to worry and that everything is going to be ok. Asked me if I was still willing to stand by her side, of course I am going to if thats what she so wishes.

I'M a slave to my own heart..

I feel pretty good about her leaving if thats what she so chooses. it will hurt but life is full of boo boo's...

Like my Daughter said, " You can love her dad but we can't keep her" LOL

Well I will let all of you know what she said tonight.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mschluter:
<strong> Sometimes I ask myself if this is all worth it, Look at lemonman he made a clean break and seems ok. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No kids were involved with him!!

You can go either way Mschluter.

I promise that you have every right in the world to say to yourself, your family, and the world.."I deserve better than this..I'm done". You can do it now..six months from now..six years from now.

As long as you are willing to accept the very real consequences of your actions. There will be consequences to going..and consequences to staying. Choose your own adventure <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Lemonman DID give his wife EVERY chance to turn around..and she was not able/willing to commit..instead he experienced false recovery and chose to end it. It was, I'm certain, a deeply painful choice.

You can make that choice guilt free if you want to. It's a fork in the road..and foggy down both I'm afraid..can't see the end of either.

So why not measure your options in a real way..meditate on your motives and decide which choice you want to face in the mirror every morning.

In medias res,

Noodle

<small>[ December 15, 2004, 06:24 PM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

dbl

<small>[ December 15, 2004, 06:23 PM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mschluter:
<strong>
Sometimes I ask myself if this is all worth it, Look at lemonman he made a clean break and seems ok.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Micheal:

Different circumstances for me obviously (no kids....Thank God). I didn't make the "clean break" you think. It was a gut wrenching horrible decision that I had to make. However, my wife's actions made the decision much easier after the false recovery. I don't think your wife is going anywhere with those kids. It is all a power play on her part to win back control.

If this continues on and you become a basket case unable to hold a job and/or be a father...then you have to ask yourself what the hell you are "saving"? Is it the "notion" of being married that you want so bad. Is it the kids having a mom and dad that live under the same roof?. Children are very resilient. There will be a point when staying in your marriage starts doing more damage to those kids than keeping the family together. I hope that you realize all of this. Please don't get lost in the mad race to "win your wife back" at incredible costs. Yes, this is a marriage building site, but I don't think it was intended to be at the cost this is taking on you (I may be wrong about this as at times this "recovery" business is more about who can take a bigger a$$ kicking..who knows). Anyway, keep your head up. Remember that at this pint, everything that happens to you is UNDER YOUR CONTROL. You have made the decison to try and win your wife back and recover, so in a sense you are making the decision to endure this pain. If you look at it like this, it may take some of the anger you have towards your wife.

LM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is it the "notion" of being married that you want so bad. Is it the kids having a mom and dad that live under the same roof?. Children are very resilient. There will be a point when staying in your marriage starts doing more damage to those kids than keeping the family together. I hope that you realize all of this. Please don't get lost in the mad race to "win your wife back" at incredible costs. Yes, this is a marriage building site, but I don't think it was intended to be at the cost this is taking on you (I may be wrong about this as at times this "recovery" business is more about who can take a bigger a$$ kicking..who knows).</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LM, WADR, I disagree with what you imply. You negatively judge the wish of BS to preserve their mearriages and imply that the effort is the sign of a weak, clingy, desperate person who feels unworthy of better and who feels he can never have a good life without his cheating spouse. I've seen you project these judgements on BS in general, and I think it's a wrong assessment of most people here at MB.

I see little in your posts about forgiveness and redemption.

I often perceive your attitude as "I'm okay, you're all screwed up".

I agree with LM on some things though, Michael. Regardless of how you have been as a husband, your crimes, whatever they may have been, are minor. Your W's crime is far, far, far more severe. You are the good guy here. To stay in the marriage or end it is your decision right now. Absolutely true. If you give up and leave, you are justified. Dr. Harley himself says that if his wife cheated on him he would divorce her.

You've talked about feeling you were not a good husband sometimes, in some ways, and in the interest of making yourself a more thoughtful and generous and successful man, I think becoming a better partner right now, in this marriage, is worth the effort, for a while. It does come with great pain, no doubt. And if you judge that that's too great a cost, then you can bail out any time you want.

By all means, don't put yourself in the path of a freight train. You are the only one having your experience. Don't compare yourself with BS you're read about who have taken more crap and saved their marriages, and keep trying at great personal cost because you want to measure up. Only try to know how much you can take without coming apart. And if you feel you are in danger of reaching that point again, for your own sake, get out.

LM, I still love you, man.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
<strong> [QUOTE]
LM, I still love you, man.

GC </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right back at you brother, hang in there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
<strong> [QUOTE]LM, WADR, I disagree with what you imply. You negatively judge the wish of BS to preserve their mearriages and imply that the effort is the sign of a weak, clingy, desperate person who feels unworthy of better and who feels he can never have a good life without his cheating spouse. I've seen you project these judgements on BS in general, and I think it's a wrong assessment of most people here at MB.

I see little in your posts about forgiveness and redemption.

I often perceive your attitude as "I'm okay, you're all screwed up".


GC </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well GC to be honest with you here, there is nothing I can say or do to change your perceptions of me here. I think you have taken some very great liberties and inaccurately put some words into my mouth, but that is ok, these ARE YOUR PERCEPTIONS. Rather than get into another pissing contest here, I will just say good luck to you man. I feel for you and the extreme pain you have endured to preserve your marriage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I only have best wishes for you.

LM

GC:

You've talked about feeling you were not a good husband sometimes, in some ways, and in the interest of making yourself a more thoughtful and generous and successful man, I think becoming a better partner right now, in this marriage, is worth the effort, for a while. It does come with great pain, no doubt. And if you judge that that's too great a cost, then you can bail out any time you want.

It's true, I have not been a good husband or a good provider through my Marriage. I have never appreciated the things my wife did every day. I took for granted her cooking, cleaning and child caring abilities, and expected her to perform SF when I wanted it. I never talked to her just at her, I never treated her as an equal partner. And I never told her or supported her with words of Love and kindness, So I do Blame myself for her A...


Noodle:

So why not measure your options in a real way..meditate on your motives and decide which choice you want to face in the mirror every morning.

I would love to meditate, But have no idea how to...or even where to begin. I do know my center is filled with Rage, Hurt, Anger and resentment and Love..

I feel like a bull rider and I have been on this bull for a long time and need a break but feel it would push her into the arms of the Om.



LemonMan:

Is it the "notion" of being married that you want so bad. Is it the kids having a mom and dad that live under the same roof?. Children are very resilient. There will be a point when staying in your marriage starts doing more damage to those kids than keeping the family together. I hope that you realize all of this. Please don't get lost in the mad race to "win your wife back" at incredible costs. Yes, this is a marriage building site, but I don't think it was intended to be at the cost this is taking on you (I may be wrong about this as at times this "recovery" business is more about who can take a bigger a$$ kicking..who knows).


I gaurentee that i'm not here working on saving my Marriage out of the need to be married or stay a family. I have thought about this question often and find I fight because it is the right thing to do. I could make the choice to quit but then I would be doing what most expect, Maybe even the ww would love to see me throw in the towel and give up on her, everyone else in her life has. My father raised us boys to keep going at it till we either get it right or get tired of the blood on our shirts, it goes back to " I'm that kids who never ran away from a fight and came back for more" I believe strongly in my Marriage and the vows that went with it. WW may leave and she may stay thats her choice, right now I am choosing to stay for as long as I can and that could be a long time. LemonMan you know you have always been the devil on my shoulder and I love you for that, it helps keep me centered. I hope you keep posting on my thread.

Grey Cloud:

Dr. Harley himself says that if his wife cheated on him he would divorce her.


How many of us on here have said the same thing when shooting the crap with the guys over a cold beer or just in general. It's easy to say this when your wife is loyal or at least you hope she is and thats what we base a lot of are feelings on as men and as woman. We go on the simple fact that, well were married so they won't cheat no matter what. I think some people have a natural flaw in them but I don't think that flaw causes them to have A's, I think time and hurt and lust are enough to do that on it's own.


I will gladly fill you all in on my talk with the ww tonight after we talk. Who knows she may just cause me to have a heart attack and keel over, boy that would make her day.

LOL! Well, I got my laugh in for the night.

Meditate <snerk>...okey doke. I meant think about..perhaps with charts? Pros Cons? Figure WHY M is in this..knee jerk? Something else? You have to know pretty solidly 1) why you are doing this and 2) whether you have any faith in the plan in order to be effective long term.

It's going to hurt..it's going to be unpleasant. You need a really good reason to do it..and a really good belief in the concepts you are embracing to help you through the doubt.

Noodle