Well in the last 24hrs hours my WS has started to open up about the the A. I guess that I have been waiting for her to simply own up and confirm what I already knew which has now started.

When the truth came it hit me like a freight train. I felt disgusted,like screaming, puking, strangling her and the OP all at the same time. Not that WS would detected it as I had my best poker face on and she was surprised how calmly I took it all. ( Hell so am I )

She confirmed the EA, and some of the PA details amongst other things. Whooooa, what a ride, just blew my mind. I suspect it's like having that big lump that's been on your chest being confirmed as cancer. You knew, but you didn't. Makes me sick and furious to picture that slimey turd with his hands touunge and other part all over and inside my WS!!! Had this image in black and white, now I have it in color!!

Can't even begin to tell you how I feel about it all, or where it will lead to for us, I just don't know. WS want's to start the R process, but how can I gaurantee that right now. One day at a time, and going dark is all I can manage.

One of my strange dilemma's right now is that I know the OP has not told his spouse about the PA side of things. His spouse is also unwittingly confiding to one of his friends that knew and allowed the A to continue. His spouse does not know this, she thinks his friend is her ally and has been batting for her. What the hell do I do? Do I tell the spouse about the PA and his lying friend, or is that water under the bridge as they are undergoing MC to try and resolve their problems(they have kids)? I know it would most likely complicate / even damage their M further right now if I divulge this information.
I don't understand why I even care about this?

Not sure what else to write at present. 100,000 things going through my mind right now.

R-Man

The truth hurts but I sure prefer it to betrayal and lying. I'm only a little bit past this stage myself. Great job staying calm and not going crazy. That a victory for you.

Think for a while. Write in a journal. Try IC. Best of luck.

I found poetry and journaling to be good outlets for me.

The poetry that spilled from my pen was pretty dark though. Felt good after I was done writing.

I am almost 2 months passed D-Day and still have some doubts, but since WW has seemingly been honest with me about the past year I feel like I can tell the difference between the lies and truth in the future.

Good luck with whatever you decide, just try not to force any answers over night. I did that from time to time and there was more pain for it.

As for OP and family. I would suggest just leaving it alone as long as there is NC between your WS and OP.

RMan, it took 6 weeks to get the complete truth from my H. I had to eek it out of him, and I'm someone who absolutely would rather have the whole ugly truth. The only reason he finally came clean about the PA was because I found OWs love letters to him and she talked about them having sex.

I think it was MelodyLane who said getting the truth in bits and pieces is like dying from a thousand cuts. That is how I felt. I'd get one piece of info that would kill me and then several weeks later another piece of killer info. I often thought it would have been easier to just deal with all the pain all at once. However, my H was scared SH**LESS I'm sure. Plus, maybe if I had known all the gore immediately I would have dumped his A** to the curb back then.

If your W defogs, and she will with NC, you will eventually have the opportunity to express your pain. Right now she isn't ready to deal with it, or see the OM like you do. People here keep reminding me that this all takes time, and it's been 9 months since d-day. Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling and vent like crazy on here. Get it out here so you don't LB the crap out of her. {{{{{RMan}}}}} I know how hard this is. I'm still having trouble with what my H did sexually with the OW. Hang in there! CV

RM,

One of my strange dilemma's right now is that I know the OP has not told his spouse about the PA side of things. His spouse is also unwittingly confiding to one of his friends that knew and allowed the A to continue. His spouse does not know this, she thinks his friend is her ally and has been batting for her. What the hell do I do? Do I tell the spouse about the PA and his lying friend,

Tell the spouse about the PA side of things. Tell her about the friend that knew about the A.

She needs to know the truth about the a**hole she is married to and the a**hole she is confiding to.

Wouldn't you want to know if the roles were reversed? Who here in this forum would not want to know the truth.

k

RenaissanceMan,

First, I know how this feels like you have had the rug pulled out from under you--and how you want to scream, cry, and puke all at the same time. So my thoughts are with you tonight on what has to be a painful time.

One word of warning though...for a long time now you have told your WS to tell you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth...that you can handle it. Now she has decided to take you up on it and she has put a little faith in you. Now it is your job to put your money where your mouth is. You told her you could handle it, so now you need to feel your anger appropriately, but HANDLE IT. Does that make sense?

One way to handle it appropriately would be to say, "I am hurt to finally hear the truth out loud, but it's my job ot deal with that. I am very thankful that you finally trusted me enough to tell me the truth, and I would like a little time to get past these hurt feelings." One way to NOT handle it appropriately would be to take our your anger on her by yelling, to call her or the OM names, or to pout and go into punishing withdrawal.


CJ

Folks, I will thank all of you for your posts. The world is spinning quite fast right now but I am remarkably stable and clear on some points and not on others. I will re-read the posts as I don't want to miss anything. Just so you all know,
* I have been journalling (will continue to do so)
* I didn't LB WS when she told me (or very very minor) I was aware that I wanted the truth
* Was sympathetic to both our plights (not just mine)
* Explained how painful it was to get the truth in dribs and drabs.
* Thanked her for being honest and explained that it was necessary for me to heal.

Thanks for the concern and pointing it out but I just want to assure you all that I am not likely to flip out and LB her for being honest with me, no matter how much it hurts.

The only real points of contention are wether or not I tell the OP's spouse about the PA and the lying friend. The friend is a pretty massive betrayal. My first / gut instinct is to tell, but I am not entirely sure that it's not completely out of spite for OP. I am also scared that it wil de-rail the OP and OP's spouses "R". Don't get me wrong, he is lower than pond scum and i would like to do some dental work on the guy, but I risk destabilising this whole process (and kids involved). Need some time to think that through clearly.

Thanks again and keep posting me.. It's all helping me.

Funny thing about the truth: It is so necessary to recovery and yet the WS is reluctant to give it.

I have found that even now, 2 years after D-day I am still finding out more and more. Right after D-Day H had amnesia, couldn't remember hardly anything. Now he remembers (or a least feels more like sharing). That is the reason for the endless questions being asked time after time. In my case, the more persistant the more likely I will get the truth or something similar at some point.

The truth can be just as painful as D-day but I can't see how you can truly recover if you don't have all of the facts that you need. Everyone had different levels of truth that they need from their WS. I needed full disclosure. If I find out that he has lied to me, I will lose all trust and faith in him. The marriage will be over. I can live with someone that made a mistake but I can't live with someone that will hurt me and continue to lie to cover for himself.

Cathy

Hey, R-man,

I'm hoping you realize that I didn't tell you that to suggest that you did LB. Nope, in fact from everything you had said previously, it sounded as if you handled it pretty well EXTERNALLY. My comments were mostly a reminder out loud (to you and everyone else who lurks and learns) that often a BS will ask for the truth, and then when they get it, they will freak out and hurt the WS. The lesson the WS learns is: "do not tell the truth--they can't really handle it and I'll get hurt."

My real concern is how you are doing INTERNALLY. Do you feel like you've been kicked in the brass ones by a mule?? Hit head-on by a semi? For me, I always pretty much immediately felt like passing out, puking, and killing someone all at the same time in a wave so huge that it overwhelmed me. Needless to say--since I'm not writing to you from prison, I let the wave pass and mostly cried.

In a way, it is a HUGE shock to your system. It's like when people know someone has terminal cancer and they are "ready" for them to die--but when they actually do die, it still hits pretty hard.

RE: telling the OP's spouse about the PA and the lying friend, I would sleep on it before you make any decisions. Right now your own emotions (whatever) are pretty raw, and making a rational decision in that condition is pretty hard. On one hand, their R is their R and really has nothing to do with you...it's not really any of your business. OTOH, the OP's spouse may know there was a PA and be avoiding it or denying it. OTOH, the OP's spouse may think the lying friend is loyal when she needs to know that the friend knew and covered.

I suggest praying about it and praying for wisdom. I will do likewise, and pray for you.


CJ

Rman

lot of good advice from CJ there.
I'm a FWW and it is a big step to put your trust in your H again, it shouldn't be but it is it. Its tied up in guilt, remorse and knowledge, knowledge you have almost mortally wounded your spouse in a very intimate way, it makes you feel like the scummist peson alive.
No matter WHAT you decide to do in the future about your M, and please dont decide that in anger or pain if at all possible. If you inclination is to leave the M its recommended you dont decide for at least 12 months, longer if you can.

While asking questions and seeking reason, as you will, it is important to not yell or scream at her for both your sakes. You'll feel like it but thats what the forum is for, yell here if you need to.
There are no short term solutions, no quick answers, only hard honest work from both of you.
Pls dont expect much from your fww right now, its unlikely she can provide for your needs right at the moment. And you may not want that either.
however she does have an obligation to discuss with you any questions you have and answer them until you are satisfied. But expect this to be very hard for both of you.

You will get some stupid ans, or avoidance, but keep at it calmly.

You need to take this one day at a time, seek help if you need it from IC and MC, if you need AD's then pls see a doctor and obtain the correct treatment.

I know this will all seem so HUGE and overwhelming right now, BUT you can get through it and you can save your M if that is what you decide to commit to!
The basic tools are here in MB, so read lots, ask questions, post as & when you want, get some of the books recommend they can really help you understand so much of whats going on, they are avilable in book stores , ebay, etc etc

And you'll get as much advice as you can take here.

as far as not knowing whether or not to tell the OP spouse or not, all i can say is that they don't have a marriage that is based on trust and openness as it is, and this spouse probably knows it and really needs confirmation of that. all i can say is that i still sometimes feel like i am crazy and making things up in my head and it would be so nice if someone could actually give me something concrete that i already know in my heart.

FaithfulNewCJ - No problem there, I didn't take offence. I realised that I hadn't made a few points clear and that I probably should have. Spoke to WS after I sent the e-mail thanking her for opening up and being honest. She told me that she was surprised at how calmly I just took it all in. As for how I am doing internally, I have imagined much worse for 6 months. Honestly though,I do feel like killing the OP when I start ruminating over the images in my head about the PA, so maybe we can be cell buddies and look out for each other <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It is like living in the eye of the storm at the moment, chaos all around me but peaceful at the storm centre where I am standing. One wrong step and I step into the chaos and carnage.

aussieswife - You obviously have a better understanding of my WS's perspective than I do, so thank you for giving me that insight, it's very helpful. WS is scared of the damage done to our M, ashamed and embarressed that the OP just dropped her like a sack of sh1t when his spouse found out and that she was prepared to dump me for him so quickly yet I am the one who has been there for her through all of this(enough trumpet blowing for myself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I have made some decisions about where we are heading, but I hear what you are saying regarding the validity of any long term decisions in my current mind set.

81377 - Thank you. I definitely can relate. I know how much I wished some one would confirm all the things "I knew but didn't", if that makes sense. As suggested, I will sleep on this as I will have to tell about the PA and the lying friend, I don't know if I could separate the two issues.