Geesh, I don't even know where to start. We have been doing good for a couple of months now. Then this past two weeks. BAM! It feels to me and from reading my journals, every time we get comfortable together H seems to revert back to his old controling selfish self. I am just so tired of practically begging to get my needs met.
It started about a month ago. I previously was a stay at home mom for over 13 years. Started back to school last year, and started a new internship job about a month ago. Before all of our problems H didn't want me to go back to school to get the degree I always wanted or work. But, after Mc and such he seemed to support the idea. H told me he was jealous of my "other life" that he knew it would happen and that it bothered him how much everything had changed. That my conversations were now about school and work and such. I have to admit I LOVE being back in the working field. I only work part-time, even though I have been offered more hours, I am waiting for the kids to be ready for me to be gone more. (They are 12 & 16) They support me 100% and it has really grown them to be more responsible.
I went to H with some things I needed to talk about. There are a couple mornings a week that I leave before him, and I asked for a little help with the kids then. I also asked that he help with homework and repsonsibilities at night. His response to this was.. I DO.. Well, hmmm o.k. I am nuts?? Then he went on to say that I had changed since working and nothing is the same. So, I asked him what I could do for him, that I am here to work on this marriage and all he has to do is talk to me... his respons.. Oh, and I am not here to work on the marriage!
I am SO tired! This is how every conversation goes.. turns round and round... and this past Thanksgiving weekend is the kicker!!
We drive 5 hours back to where our families live for Thanksgiving. Have to take two cars becasue he is working on a project for his parents for Christmas and I have to get back a day early to get son to sport. My Mom is Manic-depressive, she has been and has struggled since I was in middle school. At that time she tried to commit suicide, so whenever she goes off her meds, I am very fearful! Before we went back I told H that I feared she had gone off again. That I was worried. I get the flu Thanksgiving day. I was in bed all the next day. H left at 6am in the morning to work on project. Son asked if I would take him to help Dad. He was bored, I was sick, and my Mom was not in good shape. Son called his dad and he said no. To make a long story short, H didn't get home until 10:00 that night and had gone for a couple of drinks so he was "happy" shall we say. I tried to talk to him (I really needed support with dealing with my MOM) and all he could do was be mad at me that I let son call him... GIVE ME A BREAK! I talked to him and all he could say that he was on a deadline and a quick.. sorry! I don't think he understand how hurt and alone I was and how much I just needed him to take son and then be there for me to talk to when he got home. It feels like he just puts himself on this huge throne and when he feels he is doing something important, then the rest of us just need to stay out of the way...
This is getting long and rambling, but gosh I am just SO tired. All I want is to love, respect, and support him and be loved, respected, and supported in return! I am beginning to wonder if that man he turns into when things are tuff is just a ruse to smooth things over and he will never fully be that man.
