<BR>Monster headache today ... someone seems to be standing on my forehead. I hate that. 3 cups of caffeine seemed to have helped a little ....<P>Been moping all weekend about my sorry state of life in general. It's hard to be doing the right thing, you know? Of course, God never said it would be easy.<P>Sunday morning was the usual uncomfortableness ... seeing OM's wife ... seeing her kids ... still feeling like I stick out. I'm beginning not to care as much though. Evidently this is where God wants us to be and is teaching me something thru all this. I'm just too stupid to figure it out ...<P>So then Sun. night we have the "Don't Quit" sermon. Just what I needed. Truly. How many times I want to QUIT on the marriage. I think of it all the time ... and then I look at those precious faces of my daughters and realize I can't do that to them.<P>And then I realize that [censored] isn't capable of that kind of love. He looked in the faces of his kids and said, "Goodbye, I'll call ya." His excuse was that he couldn't live with their mom anymore. Couldn't suffer like that just to keep the family together. The kids just weren't a good enough reason to "tough it out".<P>Hello? I'm miserable ....patching up a marriage is hard hard work. There are times I just want to throw up my hands and run out the door. But I just cannot leave those girls. Believe me my heart hurts .... but I will keep the family together. And God wants me here.<P>So I realize [censored] is actually MORE selfish than I am. (I didn't think that was possible) How could I ever think that he'd be able to love me like I loved him? He can't. He left his own flesh and blood to "take care of himself". How much easier would it be to leave ME down the road????<P>I was a stepping stone for him to get out of his marriage. Pure and simple. He has no concept of love.<BR>

Maya - <P>Your pain just gushes from your post. My heart goes out to you. However, you've got the right attitude...if not for you or your H, stick with it for your children. Keep your faith in God strong and He will see you through. You are exactly correct that God is "speaking" to you through your seeing OM's W and the topic of the sermon. Listen to Him - He is ALWAYS right!!<P>You also have realized that OM is a [censored] and that he is selfish and that he was just using you. Be grateful that God allowed this to happen in your life - you now see and comprehend what you almost lost (children and H and self respect). However, your dignity IS in tact...its just sagging a little and needs some bracing. Call out to God, He will answer. Hold your H, whisper 'I love you' in his ear. If my W were to ever do that in the future, I would hold her tight while crying...at the same time I would be thanking God!!!<P>Hold on Maya. It's always darkest just before the dawn!

Maya<BR>The headache - are you drinking coffee or tea for the caffiene? For me a very very strong cup of tea does wonders.<P>You are thinking too much. You realized some very important things about OM.<BR>But you have to do something BESIDES work on your marriage. You have to quit beating up on you. You are harder on yourself than anyone is I think. Hold your head up and remember the GOOD things you've done. <P>Don't remember the affair and the OM. Remember that you ended it. Thatyou made the right choice for you and your family.<BR>You have done a lot more of the right things than you are giving yourself credit for.

Maya,<P>These are painful realizations that, if we're lucky, we learn before it is too late. You have a wonderful H who is willing to forgive and go forward ...... THAT is a blessing from God. You've made some mistakes, some bad judgements and choices, who hasn't? OM was a smooth operator ..... aren't they all? <P>Yes, you were duped (as I was), but you're human, and sometimes humans get duped. The true judgement of one's character is revealed in how we learn from the mistakes we make, and what we do to rectify them. That answer, I'm sure, is reflected in your beautiful girls' eyes. Be easy on yourself. Your'e the better person, and don't ever forget that!<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

Maya<P>You know this, but it warrants repeating. You have repented and are forgiven by God and by a wonderful and loving husband. This is enough. Don't worry about what others think. I know, easier said then done. But we need to be in the business of pleasing God, not other men and women. God is pleased when we chose to obey Him. Hang in there. I would give anything if my wife had your character and love for God and obeying Him.<P>Tom<P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Hello? I'm miserable ....patching up a marriage is hard hard work. There are times I just want to throw up my hands and run out the door. But I just cannot leave those girls. Believe me my heart hurts .... but I will keep the family together. And God wants me here.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Maya,<P>Why are you miserable? What part of patching up is hard? Why do you want to run? What's so sorry about your life right now?<P>I'll try to help, but it's unclear to me where your frustrations lie---if its with you and what you've done, your husband and what he isn't doing, or something else. But I hate to see such frustration at this point in your recovery.<P>

Yeah, I hear you, Maya.<P>Sometimes, it seems the ONLY reason to keep doing the right thing, is because it's the right thing.<P>Very simple, and very difficult.

Hi Maya,<P>I am proud of you that you are doing the RIGHT THING, working on your marriage, staying there for your girls.<P>Personally I think it is a good idea to reflect and think the whole situation through (the situation with the OM). I think it helps with the healing and is part of grief. It will also help you see things clearly about yourself, the WHYS and What IFS. I think it will make you glad that you are not where you were before and that you are moving forward. You ARE moving forward although sometimes I know it feels like two steps forward and one step back.

Maya,<P>Hi woman. I think Bonny's right. It just FEELS like takeing steps forward only to take a few back. But ultimately we DO move forward... that's the thing...right?<P>talk to you soon<BR>-j

Maya:<P>Regarding the other posts that talk about feeling like you're going backward...<P>My pastor gave an analogy about our Christian walk where he likened it to walking up a "down" escalator. We have to keep walking or we're going backward and down. <P>Remember who and what you are fighting against, dear Sister. I will be praying for you.<P>God bless,<BR>Shannon