After 11 months in recovery I still wasn't sure whether or not the A was still going on. My XWH. . .this is the first time I have referred to him as an X wayward husband. . .feels good!!! Anyway my XWH swore on a stack of bibles that it was over but then again he swore on a stack of bibles that it wasn't happening. I happend to be a black and white person. . .no shades of grey. . I NEED to know the truth.

I found a pi who could get copies of cell phone accounts and yesterday I received a copy of OW's cell phone account for the past six weeks. NOT ONE CALL TO MY H. I was so happy. It made me realise that it was truly over and that I am really in recovery.

I just had to share this with all of you who have been so supportive of me during this last year. Last night was the happiest night I have experienced since I found out about the A. It feels like a huge load has been lifted off my shoulders and whilst I still have to deal with my feelings regarding the A, at least I don't have to keep wondering if it is still going on.

Its over, and I can get on with my life and learn to forgive my H and maybe now be able to have that new happy marriage that some of you talk about. It was rather strange because while I was looking through the cell phone print-out looking for any evidence that the A was still going on my H phoned me saying "I was just making the bed and I picked up your pyjames and I could smelt of you, and I thought I must just phone you and tell you how much I love you". I wonder if he had a preminition of some sort. . .because had I found any evidence that the A was still going on I would immediately have gone to Plan B. Thank God I didn't have to do that.

I have had a fabulous day and I really am feeling so happy. . .thanks again to all of you for your support and love which I feel coming through in your letters.

enid


I am sooooooooooooooo happy for you!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I'm truely feeling with you and I too have a BIG grin on my face hearing this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

This feels like Xmas, NewYears, Easter, your Birthday and much more, doesn't it.......... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

hugs
bb

Thanks bb. . .you are right is does feel good. The only thing I wish now is that I let OW's H know when I first found out. I hadn't found marriage builders back then and didn't know about full disclosure. All I have is his cell phone number and I am loathe to send him a message from my cell because my H will know that I did it and he will think I did it out of spite.

I just feel that she has suffered no consequences for her actions and is going on with her life not paying the price she should have to pay for cheating on her H. Am I making sense or am I just being spiteful. I wish I could find a stranger to send him an sms. . .but I suppose if that happened she would have an excuse to contact my H again. I suppose I should just let sleeping dogs lie. . .but it burns my butt that she has got off with no consequence and her poor husband is totally unaware that his "dear, good" wife had a four year affair with a man old enough to be her father.

Sorry for the vent, I am still feeling good about myself and my M. . .just feeling spiteful and hateful toward the OW.

Enid,
just wanted to comment on this...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just feel that she has suffered no consequences for her actions and is going on with her life not paying the price she should have to pay for cheating on her H. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you've read Torn Asunder or other A books, its abundantly clear that people who put themselves in this situation pay a huge price. If she has any kind of conscience (and despite appearances, most people do), she is carrying a big dark secret around with her, and the longer she carries it, the heavier its going to get. Life is long! Even if she keeps this secret to her grave, she will have suffered through having to be vigilant that her secret never get out. There may be a lack of true intimacy in her relationship, because she has not been able to be authentically herself. Sometimes people divorce years later, because of the distance in their R that they can't understand but somehow can't bridge.

enid


how about giving me that OWH number! I'll do that for you and you won't "get pounded" for it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Wouldn't that be a neat solution to have others take care of that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I know, I know...........this is not âla Marriage Builders. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> *giggle"

bb

I often wonder if someone who deliberately has an A with a married man. . .and she knew he was very much married when she started the A with him. The psychiatrist that I am seeing is the same one that my H was seeing and he let slip one day that the A was "handed to my H on a platter". Do people like that even care,let alone worry for the rest of their lives. . .I don't think so. I truly believe that there are some who have affairs and are truly sorry and repentant but I also believe that there are those who don't care who they hurt so long as they get what they want.

BB I would love to take you up on that offer LOL!!

enid,

very true what you wrote. There are really people out there that will knowlegabally (soory for the bad spelling <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )
pick out someone married and they will do anything to get what they want and they will not care about anyone that is being hurt!

In our situation OW planned the affair. She planned to meet my husbnad the first time and make it appear as if it was a coincidence.
She knew so many things about my husband and she knew alot about our life situation.
It fitted perfectly for her.

-Kids were grown therefore she wouldn't have to deal with small kids (she hates children)
-she knew that my husband earns enough $$$$$ to live a life pleasent
-she knew we have houses and appartments so that smelt like even more $$$$
-she knew we have horses so again that smelt like $$$$$
-she knew we were having a few problems so that was perfect for her
-she didn't know that we "Work like Dogs" to afford these pleasures in our life and I'm sure she would of been very dissappointed about that fact because she never worked nor did she want to.


Gosh it's terrible what that she knew so many things. She found these things out from a person that was involved in our life and that person told her things about us without knowing what OW was planning. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

This OW in our situation has never regretted anything. She is mad and she even tryed to get into contact with my husband 1 year ago after 3 years of NO CONTACT!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
OWH has dumped her and he can't wait until he is divorced.

This OW feels like a victim. She feels that men are skunks and that men are the bad ones.

She doesn't realize that the choices she makes are plain and simply bad ones.

She wants to get what she wants no matter what that is all that counts for her.

I feel so sorry for her in the meantime now. She is falling deeper and deeper.

So I really believe that getting what you want (no matter what) will always "bite you in the butt" sooner or later.
bb

BTW: should I write OWH a letter and really get the situation confusing when he receives a letter from Europe??? *giggle*

I agree with you bb. . . my H started off the friendship with this young married couple by giving them a few golf lessons. This progressed into him giving her a few golf lessons while her H and I were at work and eventually it led to the A. Right at the start I was unhappy about this but my H kept poo pooing me and telling me I was being ridiculous. . .he would never have a relationship with a young girl like her. . .HA!!

And as I said according to what the psychiatrist let slip "it was offered to him on a platter". Her husband had been to our house on numerous occasions and had met me so she had no excuse for thinking he was single. . .she knew he had been married to me forever (must have been 35 years of marriage by the time the A started).

I only have the H's cell phone number. . .its the only contact I have for him. They moved shortly before I found out about the A and I have no idea where they are living now. . .its still close by but not where they were before (I knew the initial address). I think I would love him to know but I would hate her to have an excuse to phone my H telling him that somebody told her H about the A. So you see my problem. . .to tell or not to tell that is the question????

I just hope she gets her just deserts. . .because I truly believe she went into this A with her eyes wide open. . .it was something she wanted and she selfishly took it. She has a lovely husband and two beautiful children and she didn't give a damn about them. I think my H was so excited that a woman as young as she was would want him that his ego almost exploded. . . .

The most amazing thing is that my H has been impotent for many years and can only perform with viagra (which she didn't know about). He of course let her think he was this natural stud. But with taking the viagra it is very difficult for my H to climax and it takes a lot of hard work and time to make him climax and I am sure he never once climaxed with her. I have made him stand on his head these last few months. . .but I know the problem and I know how to deal with it. . .at least an hour of fore play before he is even close to climaxing. She would not have known this and he wouldn't have told her (he is much to proud to let her know that he was taking viagra and I am convinced that he more than likely faked his climaxes. . .and got the sex over and done with as quickly as possible in case the viagra stopped working. I hope I am right because he sure as hell isn't faking with me. . .he is coming like an express train. . .but like I say I have to put a lot of hard work into it.

Didn't you husband change his cell-phone number???? If not wouldn't that be a good idea and that way OW wouldn't be able to contact him.
..............just thinking
bb

So glad to hear of your marital success. This shows so many on this BB that a marriage can survive an affair..There is life after an Affair..

Don't worry this OW will get her's..It will happen..If nothing else - YOU WON...she was left with a "I don't want you anymore:...Doesn't matter that your younger, spark my ego, etc..I want my "old slippers back"..

Great News for a change...

Thanks for the good wishes. H can't change his cell phone number because it is literally his work. He works from home and all his contacts are on his cell phone plus all the people that need to contact him know his cell phone. But looking at her print-out. . .the only way she can contact him is on his cell phone. . .I get a print-out of our house phone so neither of them can use that one and I know my H doesn't have another phone. . . .I have looked and also I checked out any numbers that she called frequently and none of them were my H. So reading from her cell phone print-out I would reckon it is truly over and I am feeling extremely happy about that.

Do you guys reckon I just leave it alone now and don't find a way of letting her H know about the A. Its been 11 months now since d-day and I feel phoning him now may be a mistake. I am sorry that I didn't do it in the first place. But like I said I didn't know about mb back then so didn't phone him. If I had those months back again I would definitely phone him. I think he deserves to know.

enid,

I just wanted to share that it is possible to change cell numbers even if it's business. We done it!

We just went out and got another cellphone with a different number. My husband got the "new" one and I got the "old" one.
When someone would call, I'd give them my husbands "new" number. This way the callers were filtered and it was a great step towards trust.

Actually xOW actually tryed to contact my husband just approx.2 weeks after he had gotten the new cell phone. (this was 3 years after NO CONTACT!) But she only had his "old" cellphone number. Now MINE!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Boy was xOW shocked when she heard me on the cell, she hung up immed. But don't worry we called her back and we left a mesage on her cellphone that she will never forget! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

bb

That was again something I should have done right in the beginning. . .get him to change his cell phone number. As I said before I didn't find MB until about three months after d-day. . .so two things I didn't know about was disclosure to OW's H and changing things like cell phone numbers.

I just feel that my H would be very upset if I asked him to change his cell phone now. . .nearly a year later. He has been very open with his cell phone and even ordered print-outs for me. I also truly believe that if he wanted to get back together with OW he would know how to do it. He knows where she works, he knows where she lives. . .she would also have no problem in getting hold of him. They used to belong to the same golf club so share many friends at the golf course and even if he changed his cell number she would only have to phone one of the friends at the golf course and get his new number.

I have got to the stage of my life where I have got to stop worrying about whether or not he is still having an affair or is going to restart the affair. I don't thing there is anything going on at the moment. . .life at home is wonderful and my gut feeling is that he is being true and faithful. If I find out differently I will leave him without a minute's hesitation no matter how much I love him.

I have vowed to myself that I am going to stop looking for things. . .I have seen her print-out and there are no calls to him. . .so that has set my mind at ease and I am no longer going to play policeman to a grown man. If he wants to mess up again. . .that's his problem. . .he can then pack his bags and go. I have reached the stage of my life where I know that I can manage on my own without him. . .I may not like it but I will be able to do it.

He suffered from severe depression and suicidal tendencies while he was having the affair and if he wants to put himself through tht again. . .so be it. He is a grown man and he know what is right and what is wrong and if he strays again so be it. . .I will be out of there.

Like I said the one thing I would liked to have done was let the OW's H know, but I reckon I have left it too late. . I should have done it in the beginning and I also don't want to give her an excuse to contact my H again. So I suppose I will have to let sleeping dogs lie.

enid,

I'm, sorry for being a "nag" but anything that is "stuck in your mind" will never let you "settle down".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> That was again something I should have done right in the beginning. . .get him to change his cell phone number. As I said before I didn't find MB until about three months after d-day. . .so two things I didn't know about was disclosure to OW's H and changing things like cell phone numbers. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I didn't know about MBers until 1 year past D-d.
My husband changed his cellphone 3 years later. I explained how we did that and it was NO problem.
Friends didn't get the number right away, only customers.
We had the same problem, OW would of been able to just ask "friends" for the number.

We wanted to avoid that at the beginning because OW did try to contact my husband after 3years.

It's been over a year now that my husband has his new cellphone and everythings fine. I feel good about that step!

The next point:
Telling OWH..............hmmmmmmmm, that's a "tuffy" for me because I made sure OWh knew "right away". OW had to tell him or I would of told him.

I honestly don't know what I'd do in that situation. Might be better to "Live your life" the best you can and leave it up to OW what she makes out of her life.

If she ever did try to "intiate contact" with your WS, I'd definately "spread the news!"

Throughout recovery my husband: sold his car, sold his horse-trailer, got "new" clothing", got a new saddle and all the things that were "reminders" were gotten rid of. The last piece was his cellphone.

We replaced all these things.
It was very cleansing...............now nothing reminds us of OW! (well only once in awhile when I think about it but my husband can't buy a "new one" ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) oppppppppppppps if you know what I mean.

hugs
bb
takce care

Like I said, it would really be pointless my H changing his cell phone number. She was very friendly with everyone at the golf club so she would just have to phone a committee member. . not even a friend of ours. All golf members have their cell phone numbers published in the yearly golf manual. So like I say, if she wanted to contact him. . .a new cell phone wouldn't make that much difference. My H also works from home so there is nothing stopping her from phoning him on our home number. . .I get a print-out of all outgoing calls but I don't get a print-out of any incoming calls. You know if someone WANTS to have an affair they will find a way. . .

As to letting the OW's husband know. . .its the one thing that bugs me the most. The cell phone doesn't worry half as much as that does. I am trying to put it to rest. . .but my mind continually tries to think of ways of letting him know without him knowings its me that's letting him know and also letting him know in a way that she doesn't contact my H. So you see dilemma. . .it goes round and round in my head and I wish it would go away. I think deep down in my heart I am looking to punish the OW is some way. . .I have to let it go but I don't know how.

enid,

is there no way that you can talk to your husband about this?????
It's a problem that will "grind on you" if you don't solve it!

I wanted to "punish the OW" many times. The thoughts that I had a times were <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> !

I'm happy that I didn't ever act on that one.

Enid, it happened on its own.

OWH kicked OW out of the house and wants a divorce asap! Even if it isn't right, OWH is now having his own affair! OW is furious!!!!!(because she cannot proove it in court)OW will be divorced "guilty" as that is the law in the country that she lived in.
OW will get absolutely NO support and has to look for a job due to the fact that there are no children involved in their marriage.

OW is now living at her parents house and has to sell her car, her horse and all the great things she had in her life. She simply cannot afford it as long as she doesn't have a man with $$$$$!
This has become so obvious and others (men) are even noticing it. So OW tactic isn't working anymore.
Even though she was able to get through with almost anything in life because she is a great-looking woman and she knows how to catch a mans attraction...........men are seeing the true OW.

Now she is alone and she feels like a victim! Men are "A pile of $hit!!!" (OW words!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

So why would I have to punish her???? She's doing it on her own! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Believe me Enid, the OW in your situation will have to live with "herself"! and her lies for the rest of her life unless she makes changes and "gets it!"
If she doesn't "get it" she is going to be a very lonely and sad person deep down inside. No one might ever be able to see that but who will she ever have to share her "lies with?"

I believe that affairees that don't get it are living with enough "punishment".
At the end they are always "Losers"!!! It's even sader if they never come to the point to realize that.
Because they are then not only "losers" they are also "stupid". But stupid people might be able to get along with life easier than others..........or? because they don't/can't "think so much!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

hugs
bb

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 03:03 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

I know its a problem that will grind at me for the rest of my life but there is no way I would be able to talk to my H about it. He can barely talk about the A. We have NEVER had an in depth talk about the A, he either gets angry and shuts down or he cries. I have never really got any answers from him and I have stopped trying to get answers. It has been like banging my head against a brick wall. And I also know that the worst thing that could happen to him was for me to tell the OW's H because he was friends with OW's H and OW's H looked on him as a friend and a mentor and had a lot of respect for my H. If you only knew!!!! This guy that he looked up to and respected and turned to for advice was the same guy that was screwing his wife!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by enid:
<strong> .... He can barely talk about the A. We have NEVER had an in depth talk about the A, he either gets angry and shuts down or he cries. I have never really got any answers from him and I have stopped trying to get answers. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Enid,

Until you and your H work though the issues that caused him to have his A, there will always be an undercurrent of the A and the OW in your M...

I'm glad that your H is not contacting the OW... and yes, you most definitely should celebrate that success!

But please know that if you want to truly rebuild your M, then both of you must work thorugh all of the A issues together or these same issues WILL pop up later...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Don't I just know this. But I have now tried for 11 months to discuss the A and have got absolutely nowhere. I think he feels and enormous sense of shame and guilt. He JUST WILL NOT DISCUSS IT and there is no way I can force him to discuss it. I have really tried as hard as I can to discuss it. . .I have tried in every way possible. . .without LB's, without getting upset. . .there isn't a way that I haven't already tried and it makes no difference. I have even sent him letters. . .I even sent him that letter on this site about disclosure. . .he read it but it made no difference.

I KNOW HE WILL NEVER DISCUSS IT WITH ME AND I HAVE
NOW GIVEN UP TRYING. IT HAS BEEN TOO HARD ON ME TO KEEP TRYING. . .I AM NOW HEALING ON MY OWN AND HOPING TO GOD THAT HE IS HEALING ON HIS OWN. I DO THINK WE ARE HELPING EACH OTHER HEAL SO LONG AS WE DON'T DISCUSS THE A.

Hey Enid,

I'm sorry if my last post upset you... that wasn't my intention at all... Please forgive me if my comments were out of line.

I don't have any answers on how to get your H to talk or go to MC...

Semper Fi,
RIF