i have already gone through a plan a stage with my husband, and have also have had a seperation as per his request, and we are not much better off. i am not quite ready for a plan b, but i feel like i am going to do a stronger plan a (if that makes sense), but my question is when it comes to email and his cell phone that makes him VERY defensive. how do i address my need to monitor those things to make sure that he isn't contacting her... and even more that she isn't contacting him with love? he feels like i should and need to trust him because it isn't physical and my not trusting him is my flaw. any advice?

If your H has decided to end contact, and discontinue the A, it's not your responsibility to monitor anything. It's solely HIS responsibility to assure you, all email and cell phone accounts should be accessible to you at any point. There are no secrets in marriage, and privacy as he knew it fails to exist because of poor boundaries on his part to honor his vows.

Why are you letting him call all the shots here ?

This confuses me.

Don't you have a vested interest in what YOU are willing to accept in a marriage ?

If he's not willing to do whatever it takes to "reassure" you, and still shows these signs, I'd venture to say he's only bought himself some time.

I'll go back and check out your posts..to see about exposure and stuff. Bottom line, is a WS... truly wanting to recovery the marriage...offers no excuses.

Excuses = FOG

well the problem here is that he is reluctant to discontinue contact with her because they are "just friends", so contact has not stopped and he has said that it is wrong to abandoned her as a friend. he has broken my trust in so many other ways... i am at my end.

Hi 81377....

I haven't posted here in a while, but your title caught my eye.

I have the same question. At least now, my WH doesn't lock his cell phones in his car at night. I can look at them anytime.

Sometimes I wonder if my WH just doesn't "get it". I have no way of knowing a lot of what he does. I want to say "you are supposed to let me know this and that, you are supposed to give me your passwords, you are supposed to be kissing my butt to try and make this up to me...." just like everyone's WS here does! But it seems that my WH hasn't read THAT book!

The only thing I have come across to say to WH is "I would feel more comfortable if....." Sometimes he gets defensive (because I'm just supposed to automatically TRUST him), and sometimes he just says "okay, if that's what you want."

I think some WS's haven't "read the book" on how they are supposed to act when trying to reconcile their M. Mine hasn't.

SH told me to treat WH like an addict. Detach myself from WH's ploys, tactics, etc. Exercise patience. Plan A.

K

81377, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing... Make this clear to your H. As I’ve posted on your other thread, ask your H how he will feel and if he will allow you to have such a close ‘friend’ and ‘unbreakable bond’ with someone… Ask him how will he feel if you refuse to be open and honest about your e-mails and cell phone...

Really, the fact that your H is so defensive about his email and cell phone is a HUGE RED FLAG and an indication that something VERY serious (at least an intense EA) is going on. Of course you can’t trust your H right now. He is involved in an A and the fact that it isn’t physical doesn’t make it less damaging and hurtful to you and your marriage. You SHOULDN’T and DON’T need to trust him with the OW. Make this clear to your H. You don’t have to love burst, but set your boundaries and be very firm with your H on this… Make it clear to him that you can’t trust him and don’t need to trust him until he become open and honest to you about his cell phone and e-mails and ALL his activities.

Did you give your H the article to read (about emotional infidelity) I've posted to you on your other thread?

Suzet

i haven't given him the article yet, as he is in the field training right now until at least this weekend. again, something else that makes this extremely hard, is that she is out there with him, and i will have no idea what contact they have had. anyway, i actually express ordered the Dr. Glass book and I hope to have that increase some healthy dialogue between us as well.

I found Dr. Glass's book to be very helpful. I hope it helps you as well. It was more difficult for my H to realize that he was having an ea. pa is more obvious, but an ea is just if not more damaging to the m as a pa. Good luck.

81377, I really hope the article and Dr. Glass’s book (an excellent book by the way!) will help to open your H’s eyes and make him realize that his involvement with the OW isn’t just ‘close friendship’, but an EA any betrayal towards you and his marriage... I feel so strong about this because I was involved in such a ‘friendship’ (EA) myself (check my signature). I used the same excuses as your H of “we are just friends” <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> , but I have learned my lessons the hard way and today I’m totally against opposite sex friendships except if the person is a friend of both spouses AND the marriage and if both spouses can share time with the person.

Here is a post I send a long time ago… It’s about all the lessons I’ve learned regarding opposite sex friendships and what I’ve learned from my expereince. Maybe you can also give this to you H to read:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The most important lessons I have learned and my perceptive now and prior to my EA:

1. Illusion (before my EA): There is nothing wrong with close opposite sex friendships, as long there is no physical involvement.

Fact (after EA has ended): Close opposite sex friendship is VERY DAMAGING and a potential thread for any marriage. Friendships like this (especially were there is a close emotional attachment en dependence) are the ‘silent enemy’ and ‘silent killer’ because on the eye it ‘seems’ so innocent.

2. Before EA: If you are happily married and most of your EN’s are being met by your S, no OP or opposite sex friend is a potential thread to the M.

After EA: A’s happen all the time, even in very happy marriages. A marriage can stray en be vulnerable to an affair also because of adverse reasons and circumstances other than problems/issues within the M. All people have some personal problems/issues and baggage they bring into the M. Everyone must be aware of their own weaknesses & vulnerabilities.

3. Before EA: A’s only happen to bad people who have low morals and no conscience. People who have affairs don’t have love or respect towards their spouses.

After EA: A’s can happen to ANYONE – even good, religious people with high morals and strong conscience can get involved in an A... In fact, sometimes the so-called ‘good’ people are more vulnerable to an affair than anyone else because they think they will never get tempted and are not aware of their own human weaknesses. The same is applicable on OP’s.

4. Before EA: If you truly love your spouse, there can never be a place in your heart for someone else. If you develop feelings for someone else, you don’t really love your spouse.

After EA: I believe it IS possible to truly love your S and at the same time have feelings for someone else. The theory of the love bank also explains this phenomenon very clearly. Like I have said earlier, A’s can also happen because of adverse reasons and circumstances other than problems/issues within the M.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hope this will help! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Take care,
Suzet

My thoughts are more toward the future....

What are the possibilities of your husband transferring out of that unit?

I read in one of your earlier threads that the OW's H is your H's supervisor. Is telling him feasible? Is your H willing to talk about that he should request duties that separate him from OW?

If you can't go to OW's H, what about the Chaplain?

My H is currently deployed for a year and it is one of the odd things that though the FOW (also military) is in my Family Support Group because her H is deployed with mine, at least I know my H isn't available in her "loneliness".

my thoughts are trying to be toward the future as well, but also taking into regard his military career. we will be stationed here in germany for another 10 months, then we will be onto somewhere else. as far as i know, she is leaving in june so another 7 months for her. her H is my H commander, and he does and has known of their emotional involvement, but she walks all over him, and wears the pants in that family so to speak. i wish it was as easy as requesting a transfer, but the post we are at is VERY small, only about 800 soldiers. so, there is not an easy solution to this. some of this is so unreal to me sometimes that i couldn't even make this up if i tried.