Chinese Proverbs

Virginity like bubble: one [censored], all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

LMFAO, humar good LOL

You missed a couple.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Man who drop watch in toilet have shi**y time.

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

Learn to masturbate -- come in handy.

Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pu**y.

Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp co*k .

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ December 01, 2004, 10:34 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Harsh Things a Woman can say to a Naked Man…

1. Ahhhh, it's cute.
2. Why don't we just cuddle?
3. You know they have surgery to fix that.
4. Make it dance.
5. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
6. Wow, and your feet are so big.
7. It's okay, we'll work around it.
8. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
9. (Giggling and pointing)
10. Can I be honest with you?
11. This explains your car.
12. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
13. Why is God punishing me?
14. At least this won't take long.
15. I never saw one like that before.
16. But it still works, right?
17. It looks so unused.
18. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
19. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
20. Are you cold?
21. If you get me real drunk first.
22. Is that an optical illusion?
23. What is that?
24. I guess this makes me the early bird.

Click on the link below and stare at the picture. Don't let your eyes lose focus. A giraffe will appear as you look into it. really cool. It may take a minute for your eyes to see it, so just relax and stare into the box.

Giraffe illusion

Church Bulletin Bloopers:

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church
services:

â—† The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

â—† Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

â—† Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands.

â—† The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

â—† Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

â—† Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

â—† Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again,"
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

â—† For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

â—† The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the
choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

â—† Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in
the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

â—† At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What
Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

â—† Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

â—† Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

â—† Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

â—† Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

â—† The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.

â—† The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

â—† This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

â—† Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is
done.

â—† The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.

â—† Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
use the back door.

â—† The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.

â—† Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

â—† The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Wifely Duties

Three men were bragging about their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Virginia, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from South Carolina. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all he cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Pennsylvania girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Man who masturbate only screw self.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

FUNNY ENGLISH
Attempts At English

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort. We hope you enjoy them.

In a Tokyo Hotel:

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing please not to read notice.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:

Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:

Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:

You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:

Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop:

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners:

Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:

Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:

Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

From the Soviet Weekly:

There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency:

Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

Would you like to ride on your own [censored]?

In a Swiss mountain inn:

Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:

It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:

Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:

Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:

Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:

Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Mojorcan shop entrance:

- English well speaking

- Here speeching American.

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her."

W. C. Fields
1880—1946


"The bonds of wedlock are so heavy that it takes two to carry them -- sometimes three."

Alexandre Dumas
1802—1870


"The other day they asked me about mandatory drug testing. I said I believed in drug testing a long time ago. All through the sixties I tested everything."

Bill “The Spaceman” Lee
1946—


Before being executed in Oklahoma's electric chair:

"How about this for a headline for tomorrow’s paper? French fries."

James French
1936—1966


"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes."

Frieda Norris


"Reports that say something hasn’t happened are interesting to me, because as we know, there are known unknowns; there things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don’t know we don’t know."

Secretary Donald Rumsfeld
1932—


"I say that if Lincoln were alive today, he would turn over in his grave."

President Gerald R. Ford
1913—


"Build a man a fire and he’s warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he’s warm for the rest of his life."

Unknown


"If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten."

George Carlin
1937—


"Sacred cows make the best hamburger."

Mark Twain
1835—1910


"The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly."

Mark Twain
1835—1910


"Why is it when we talk to God we’re praying, but when God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic?"

Lily Tomlin
1939—


"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

Douglas Adams
1952—2001

Some of my favorite Dubya "Bush-isms":

Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.

I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.

They misunderestimated me.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

TMCM you are Too Much...... And I'm sending you the bill for cleaning the pee off my chair, cause you had me rollin'.

Piece on earth.......

bump