Hi,

Sorry, I'm new here, I posted this in "Recovery" but I think it's probably better here. I appreciate everyone's advice and I'm hoping that you can help me with an issue that's come up in our reconciling.

Here's the background:

WS had an EA (internet) with old boyfriend from HS. When I recorded their chats I also found that she had 2 previous PA's on me. ALthough the BS, I wanted to work on our marriage.

Over the course of the last week, she has been contacting her girlfriend almost daily (who she also re-connected with at the reunion) and getting updates on what the OM is up to. They were all mutual friends in HS. It also appears that the "friend" has suggested that my WS set up secret email accounts at the Library, so that she can contact the OM and get her "answers". The friend has essentially been the gossipy go-between my WS and the OM. Filling my WS on what's going on in the OM's life.

I have confronted the friend and asked her not to meddle and this is her Reply:

Hi BS,

Don't you dare try to put blame on me for breaking up your marriage!
The only thing I am guilty
of is trying to help WS get answers to some questions that she needed answered.
If you could have just let her find out from OM what she needed to know, this would not have happened. I think what you did was wrong BS. SPYING ON HER!!! She loves you BS. She wants your marriage to work. There was unfinished
business that needed to be finished. THAT WAS ALL she wanted from OM-answers! Of course she will always have
a special place for him.
But, she is not in love with him or pining away for him. You have it all WRONG!

You can't keep a person under lock and key BS! I understand that you were crushed when you found out certain information. No one is perfect, people
make mistakes. But, I believe that WS did learn from her mistakes early in your marriage. She has
tried to be a good wife to you!I would really like to know what made you spy in the first place. Monitoring
her every move is really f**** up!

I helped my friend, nothing more! She wasn't cheating and never planned on it!
I would have never been a part of such a plan BS -NO WAY!!! I am really hurt that you even could imagine
that! I tried to offer
my point of view on your feelings towards the situation many many
times! I understand the hurt and pain you must feel. But, is it worth throwing
everything away?
I always thought that you were a strong, loving, forgiving man. Where did that BS go?
It is easy to accuse when you don't have all the cards.

"Friend"

Here are my thoughts on this and maybe you will have some better ideas. I want my WS to not contact this friend anymore. It's damaging to our family. WS hasn't seen or talked to "friend" in 15 years, so why is her advice so important now? When I confront my WS, she thinks that I'm controlling and keeping her under lock and key. I'm not controlling and we all know that we can't control another person, or else none of us would be here. I just want her to see that this person is not a friend and never will be. Thanks for all of the help!

OMG! It sounds like they never left high school! This friend sounds so shallow. I'll bet her roll in school was that of "note passer". Hasn't she ever had a serious relationship? Doesn't she realize marriage needs to have a foundation of trust? Once that trust is violated, BS will be suspicious and will have to resort to spying if they can't get any answers.

I agree. NC with both OM and the friend.

I agree with the above poster. HOwever I think you should be looking at the MUCH LARGER picture. Your wife betrayed you at LEAST 2 times (and possibly many more), so you have serious,...and I mean serious issues in your marriage. YOur WW "friend" is only a small part of this, and you need to be redirecting your energies at why the hell your wife cheated on you MULTIPLE times...not at some petty game of "he said, she said". This speaks of much larger character issues with your wife. The issue is not the OM, or the "friend" but it is you and your wife. I almost get the sense you are trying to pin a lot of this marriage trouble on your WW "friend" meddling. That is a common thing to do, but just realize what the real issue is here. Goodluck.

Thanks HurtingCarol! That's exactly what's it's been like since August. I feel like I'm back in HS again. Funny thing, is that the "friend" is not married, but is free to offer her worldy advice to my WS.

I know we can't go back to the way it was,before the A, but I sometimes feel that for every 2 steps forward, we take 5 back.

The "friend" also forwarded my emails to the OM. An he emailed me back, saying he wants nothing to do with my WS and wants everyone to move on. I tend to beleive it, as everything has indicated to me that it's the "friend and my WS trying to get in contact with him and find those all important "answers". I honestly don't know what answers anyone could want 20 years from HS. Sure I had girlfriends back then and we also had some hard break ups....but I don't need any answers from them. Am I missing something??

Oh, I don't know, it could be lots of things (all of them a bit goofy).

None of us hit adulthood fully emotionally mature -- there's some massive gaps there in all of us and it's our own business to finish raising ourselves. Depending on where the gaps or slow spots are, high school memories and behavior can take on a certain level of attractiveness for a time being as a person hits high school level in some small (or large) area of emotional development.

It's not really all that uncommon. Seriously wierd, yes, but uncommon, no.

One thing that fits this that I've watched any number of times with train-wreck fascination is what happens the first time a woman really feels like she can get all the general male attention she wants and more. For some reason this always seems to involve regressing to that hyper-*****y manipulative sweet-little-me-would-never-have-stuck-that-knife-covered-in-my-fingerprints-in-your-back ultra-vain teenage drama queen every school unfortunately has at least one of. Fortunately in the majority of the population in which the spark of human decency glows strong this lasts a very short time before the subject snaps the hell out of it, because hurting anyone is really not what they're about. However, when it hits in someone in whom vanity can be a stronger force than decency, the shrapnel starts to fly. It never fails to amaze me that this can happen at any age and the behavior is just as juvenile no matter how "mature" the person in question.

toddo...

what the goal here is ..
what the big picture is...

is that YOU want to be a spouse...
and to have a spouse in your life that brings no other toxic outsiders in to your union...

be them OP
be them friends....

When I confront my WS, she thinks that I'm controlling and keeping her under lock and key.

If you are asking her to not see or talk to this friend...then she will use that against you like a weapon...

you will hear only the you are controlling me song like a broken record....

until and only when you wife can see the value of your worth over the damage of these type of intrusions...
there is nothing you can do...
BUT
speak you peace about it softly and without demands ....

and let her make her decision..
then you decide...is it tolerable in your life, marraige, and universe...

there is no control when you let them choose...
then you choose as well based on your own boundaries...

power struggling this
focusing on this the friend...will just give her the excuse to NOT focus on her own actions and choices...

her 'friend' can be as evil as Satan....but it is YOUR wife who opens the door...

pray.
give this to God...

ARK