Well, for things to work out it takes both to agree and commit. If your H does not help with the house work and kids then you are in for one helluva ride.

I think that most "liberated" men would agree that it takes both parents to make the house run well. When the house runs well the parents get more time together....

BTW: It was not until a few weeks passed D-Day that we insisted that the toddler find some where else to sleep. She has not woken up in our bed in 2-3 weeks now. We both sleep better and for the first time since the pregnancy we get to sleep as close to each other as we want. (I honestly forgot what spooning was like).

As for discipline, I am pretty convinced that it needs to be some where in between. I usually try to speak calmly to the children, but the older ones are getting to an age where they start talking back wich just presses all of my buttons. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I kinda figure "we have been over and over this issue" and go to punishment pretty quickly but usually only after the child has repeated talked back. Even then it has been a double edge sword for me with the wife around.

I know there is a way for both "tactics" to be used, the parents just have to figure out the middle ground and agree to stick there together.

It sounds like you might have other problems besides finding the right way to fill your H's ENs....it sounds like you have probably done a good job of it so far...sounds like he needs to be filling some of yours now....just my crappy 2 cents worth. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yes, I am full of opinions today. (And I want to smash that stupid cell phone soooooooo bad)

<small>[ December 01, 2004, 09:01 PM: Message edited by: greergan ]</small>

what is with the cell phone?

I wish our 4 year old would stay in his own room all night long. He has been going to bed in his own since he was 2, but here we are two years later and he is still waking up in the middle of the night, quiet as a mouse and climbing into bed with H and I, we do not even know it until morning- as we have a king size bed.

as far as agreeing on parenting tactics, I agree somewhere inthe middle is way better, I am trying to be tougher, and I am trying to be more consistant, the whole say what i mean mean what i say thing. It is so hard. I also know what you are saying with the talking back, my almost 8 year old is constantly talking back, or whineing or saying my all time favorite "No FAIR" in a mixture of yelling shreiking and whineing, it is brutal on the ears and a fast push of my buttons- oh and add slamming the door over and over again- oh my blood pressure rises just typeing that. My kids have watched their dad treat me with little regard for years and they have picked up on it. Luckily H now sees that as well and he has been doing well at curbing that behavior- at least in front of the kids, however the damage needs to be undone. The 8 year old is like above, the 4 year old does not do as I ask, and the almost two year old thinks it is funny to punch (his daddy taught him to box- yeah it is cute with his daddy but not one the neighbor girls).

I too enjoy spooning, my favorite way to fall asleep, I sleep the best when I am in my H's arms. we missed out on that too during the "family bed" phase.

So you and your wife are working towards recovery? THat is great, how do you feel it is going asides the whole Kids first bit?

Any ideas on how I can not be so jealous of H's friends, or how to get him to see my view a little on this one?

oh yeah the smashing the cell thing, not cool and expensive to replace. H smashed mine, and when it still worked after he broke the face he continued to smash it to oblivion when he thought I was talking to a guy (during his A and telling me that she was the best thing that happened to him yatta yatta cr@p). I was really talking to my friend who lives in California. I ended up cancelling our service because I was not about to pay for the plan when my phone did not work and it was how H and OW communicated- yeah bloody right. We both have phones again now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> what is with the cell phone?

My kids have watched their dad treat me with little regard for years and they have picked up on it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">THIS is the absolute trajedy of this all KMEJ. DO you realize the gravity of this statement? I am really not sure if you really understand it. Your WH surely doesn't despite what he says. I am not condeming you here, but this is all so much more than "marriage building". ****SIGH****

meaning what lemonman. I have never asked you to sensor yourself when talking to me, so please do not start now. I know the evil of all of this. That is one of my major issues. I told H when he came back that was one thing I needed to stop- he is doing well with it.

Also I just got done with snuggletime with Dylan and Lucas (I had already sang to Michael and he is long a sleep). We played the where does it come/ what is it made from game (what are French Fries made of? Potatoes) Kids love the game, they learn stuff and I get to snuggle with them. It is the best! Next to dance hour that is- love watching there booties shake to the music <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<strong>
So you and your wife are working towards recovery? THat is great, how do you feel it is going asides the whole Kids first bit?
</strong>
That is what I have been lead to belive. We have been talking more intamitely than we ever have before. She is finally aware enough to hear me and see me for what I really am. (We both have been dropping LB on each other a long time, but neither of us are monsters...well, she was for a few weeks)

She has even apologized for the kid first thing and is trying to understand it. I know she read this thread earlier and asked if that is how I really feel....I said yes, I have told you before...she said help more with the kids so we have more time together. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We both have show stoppers that need to be resolved. Over all I feel like we are just meeting for the first time. Since our story started fast and has always been fast we never really got the time to fall in love the right way.

Now we both smile at each other more and enjoy passionate eye contact and satisfying affectionate moments.

Now if I could get her to change her cell # so OM could not leave messages anymore as well as so she does not have uncontrollable temptation to call him.

I have even developed a phobia of telephone rings. I don't care where the phone is, I will hear it and cringe...could be on TV or a special grama-ring...her phone, my phone the house phone...all make me cringe now.

<strong>
Any ideas on how I can not be so jealous of H's friends, or how to get him to see my view a little on this one?</strong>

I dunno what it will take in your situation...for mine it took an affair to jolt both of us into reality. Since she started her attempts at NC a month ago we have talked about what the heck got us to this point....only something very tramatic was going to wake us up.

We have also been cursed and blessed to be 250 miles from anyone we know (including OM). Neither of us could do anything except on weekends and there were only a handful of them during the A before or passed D-Day that we did not spend together as a family.

I also filed for divorce and she was served with no notice 2 weeks to the day from D-Day. I am still holding papers until we get well into recovery....

We both have everything to loose and I think we both know it.

that is awesome kmej
i love dancetime too
my mc told me the same thing about putting the kids ahead of spouse. and i think he might have been on to something

what did the MC say dalson?

I always thought I did put H at least equal to the kids, he did not feel so, so I have made great attempts at correcting that situation with the time he leaves, however I feel it unfair for him to expect me to drop everything when he has the time or the desire to spend with me. Make since?

he pretty much said that the spouse is who you chose, the kids came from that choice and they will love you no matter what, and they will have stronger relationships from seeing ya worship each other.......

oh my gosh im still doing it!!!!!!!!
my name is not dalson its jeff
my kids names dallen + mason= dalson
i really think there is something to this spouse b4 child thing, but it is a character flaw i will just have to live with

I think there is too, what character flaw are you referring to Jeff? Sorry on here we just refer to people by their screen name. Cute names for your kids however. Since you shortend Mason to Macy does that mean Mason is a girl?

yep and she is beutiful!!!!!

is your other child a boy then? how old?

putting your kids first.. that is the flaw, but when i was a kid that wasnt paid attention to so i was wild as he11, partied all the time,got in trouble, whatever to get dads attention, now i have this fear that my kids will feel that and pull the same crap.... dont want that.....from one extreme to the other

there is a happy medium. we just need to find it. I want to be happy. I want H's attention. I want to feel desired and loved and cherished. I want all the things I see others getting. I want a happy home life. My parents split due to an affair- it messed my siblings and I up for trust in relationships, do not want that for my kids.

I think there is a big difference in making your kids a priority vs. letting them walk all over you.

I agree if you let them walk all over you (or your spouse) you are making huge mistake. Kids need boundaries (and apparently WS's too) :-)

That being said, if you decide have children you should commit to putting in the effort to raise them as best you can.

Miker

well put


kmej yes he is a boy (daddies boy) he will be 4 12-31. talk about he11 t-giving, d's b-day, x-mas , s's b-day in 40 days. can i have some cheese to go w/ my whine

I agree, I think children need to show respect, use their manners, and know that they are safe and loved. A doctor visit and food and they are all good. I think in this day and age children are so spoiled that they expect too much. Where is the world going to be in 20 years?

I just think that families need to become more important then the lates reality show, there is nothing more realistic then a game with your husband and kids, or a walk or dance hour. I also feel that kids should not be able to run the show.

I can think all I want- I apparently put my kids first so I am being a hypacrite (sorry sp) and need to find a way to fix that.

KMEJ,

When you are making up for the *neglect* of your spouse that is not called putting the kids first. Don't beat yourself up on this. He's the problem not you.

Miker

<small>[ December 01, 2004, 10:49 PM: Message edited by: Miker ]</small>

you are not a (that word you tried to spell that i wont even attempt) we just are trying to hard not to make the mistakes that our parents did and we dont want our kids to make the mistakes we did, (where did that come from, oh my gosh james dobson has possesed my typing finger)