hello all, i have been posting here for a couple of weeks now, and have got some really good support. i am so glad i found you here. a quik recap for those who haven't seen my story. ww of18 years had mostly an internet affair,[ tho they did meet physically 4 times] from june 03 to oct19 04 when i caught her. om is in fla. we are in ks. i thought we were happy and everything was good, but now she says she has been unhappy for several years. she told me last night that it is all she can do right now to just stay together. altho she says she is willing to try, and that she is trying. it is only 6 weeks since dday, and she is still hurting from withdrawal. i am trying to meet her en's, while not expecting anything in return, but as you all know, that is hard to do. i dont think she is thinking clearly yet because of the fog, but again i ask anybody, how long the w/drawal? is there anything else i should/could be doing? she also said right now the only thing keeping her here is the kids, sucks but at least she is here.sorry for ramblin', thanks for listening

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by arjdad:
<strong> hello all, i have been posting here for a couple of weeks now, and have got some really good support. i am so glad i found you here. a quik recap for those who haven't seen my story. ww of18 years had mostly an internet affair,[ tho they did meet physically 4 times] from june 03 to oct19 04 when i caught her. om is in fla. we are in ks. i thought we were happy and everything was good, but now she says she has been unhappy for several years. she told me last night that it is all she can do right now to just stay together. altho she says she is willing to try, and that she is trying. it is only 6 weeks since dday, and she is still hurting from withdrawal. i am trying to meet her en's, while not expecting anything in return, but as you all know, that is hard to do. i dont think she is thinking clearly yet because of the fog, but again i ask anybody, how long the w/drawal? is there anything else i should/could be doing? she also said right now the only thing keeping her here is the kids, sucks but at least she is here.sorry for ramblin', thanks for listening </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have heard that withdrawal can last usually from 3 months up to 1 to 2 years. It is all variable. The good things is that "true withdrawal means that the WS is not getting her/his "fix". Withdraw is a necessary eveil. It is mandatory in true recovery. The reason you "thought" that everything was "great" in your marriage was b/c your wife was "happy" while in the EA/PA getting her needs met. WIthdrawal is a tough thing. There will be some great advice coming your way with this, just hang in there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ December 01, 2004, 01:41 PM: Message edited by: lemonman ]</small>

Are you certain there is NC?

When my FWH was going through withdrawal and getting surlier by the day, he was actually in contact with OW.

Has she filled out the EN's questionnaire? How do you know you are fulfilling her top 3 needs?

lemonman thank for the encouragement. but the ww says she was unhappy for quite a while before the A. i know at one time, maybe a long time ago we truly loved each other, i just don't know if i found out how she has feltsoon enough to rekindle the old flame. mc says we must reconnect as friends first, but we do seem to get along as friends. platonic roomates and co-parents is it right now. but i choose to remain optimistic and patient to try to make the m better then ever. i have read many of your post's to others, and respect your opinion, thanks

stillheremakingit, she has not done the questionaire, i dont know if she is ready for that yet? i took it for us both, and i am pretty sure i know what her top 3 en's would be. but she is not real receptive sometimes when i try to meet these. could guilt have a part in her w/drawal symtoms? i know there has been nc sinceoct.19 thanks for your input, any thing else you think i would appreciate. it is nice to talk w/people who can relate. tho i am sorry we had to meet this way

I am sorry we had to meet this way too, and sorry for hte reason you are here, I wouldn't wish this on anyone (OK, maybe my FWH...)

Guilt plays a VERY big role in how she takes it...and there is a good possibility she is holding out hope that you and her won't work out so she can run to OM guilt-free. An ugly thought, but it's what happened in my case.

Plan B may be an eventual outcome, but until then...


Plan A, which includes:

Recognize and cut out ALL LB's

Recognize and fulfill her top 3 EN (mind sharing what they are, maybe folks on here have some ideas of how to fulfill these...)

AND (most important) Expose, Expose, Expose...

i believe her top en's are conversation, family commitment, and admiration, tho i am somewhat guessing about the order.before she had the A, i would have put affection in the top 3 easily, but right now, she does not want that from me, and it hurts. so i try to do the other things as best i can, while still giving her some "space" any more help anybody? thanks

stillheremakingit, also the om is married w/2 kids and she know's and admits they can never be together. i can thank"classmates.com for helping two old friends find each other. what a croc. sorry i had to vent a little.

Number 1, if you haven't already, you talk with the OMW. YOu share all the info you have. Have you exposed to her family and friends? Work?

My top EN is conversation too, but it should be called communication. What I like is phone calls in the middle ofht eday, letters (sure, write a letter and send it in the mail to her), and emails...any form of communication...it's cheap and relatively easy...keep it light. And listen, listen, listen, nod your head, sit near her but not on top of her, don't offer her advice, look at her while she is talking. The greatest gift you can give her is to let her know she is TRULY being listened too...it's a GREAT expression of love (and probably how the OM has won her over).

stillheremakingit, right now while she is in w/drawal, i have to be careful to not smother her, right? not sure how much to do. also, because thier A was mostly on the net, it makes sense that he was a good listener, altho he could not make eye contact. she said in mc that he just made her feel "connected",

I don't know about the not smothering part...if you think lavishing too much attention on her before was a problem and she was smothered by that...or you tend to hover and be clingy, then that may be a problem, but I've not met many men who do TOO much of this.

You can give her attention without smothering her. Did she "talk" with OM through emails, IM, or chat? Whichever means, she should have removed that direct line to OM. Are you SURE there is no more contact?

i am sure there has been no more contact. but i have more questions.while she is in w/drawal, can i meet her en's? or do i just avoidlb's? i am doing that anyway, and i feel better about myself for it. anyway, i guess all i can do is try to be patient and wait for the fog to clear. but i am scared that this could be the beginning of the end.

Hi there!

I just read your story, I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Heavy withdrawal for me lasted about three months and at the six month mark I was definitely over the worst of it. I still have my moments now and then but it's nothing like it was.

So was your wife's A emotional only? You had mentioned that they had met physically before but did they do anything physically? Even if they didn't, I think EA's are just as bad as PA's. There is an attachment that has been established between the two of them and that attachment can be very hard to break - even if NC is maintained.

For the first month or so I held out hope that me and the OM would somehow hook up later. I kept hanging onto the fantasy of it all and that is what made my withdrawal last a while. Once I started thinking beyond the fantasy, exposing in my mind the ugliness that it really was, then I was able start recovery.

Just as your wife said to you, I also felt that I was unhappy in my marriage prior to the A. Looking back, I think I said/felt that in order to justify the A. Looking back though, I was happy - maybe not totally happy but I certainly wasn't miserable.

Hope this helps and let me know if you have any questions.

chackler, tanks for your response, i was hoping to hear from a fww. so while you were in heavy w/drawal for 3 month's, what was there that your h could do for you? also, how long would it have been for you to feel comfortable taking the amotional needs questionaire? and while i am on a roll, when in your w/drawal state did you decide that you "wanted" the m to work? my ww says she is willing to try, but won't commit to saying she wants to. but i dont know if she would be willing to go to mc weekly like we are if somewhere deep down, she didnt want it to work out? any input from your experience and perspective is greatly appreciated. thank you

So at what point in the time line were you able to realize and start fulfilling your H's ENs?

sheesh arjdad,

I should have just waited a few minutes before my last post. You hit pretty much all of my questions.

I suspect withdrawal length is directly proportional to the duration of the affair and inversely proportional to the last day of contact. I warn you, few WWs actually go 100% NC from the start. Most of them tend to break of NC several times before finally going on permanent NC.

i can thank"classmates.com for helping two old friends find each other. what a croc. sorry i had to vent a little.

Amen, if not for classmates.com things would be rosy for me. They even advertise romantic connections. There is something about old classmates making a connection. It gives then a solid base to start something

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">what was there that your h could do for you? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There wasn't anything he could do for me except just be there. I talked to him quite a bit but it always hurt me so much to do that because I could see the pain on his face, even though he was wonderful to me and wouldn't say anything mean or nasty. There were times when he was very clingy and that bothered me. I didn't say anything though because I could understand why he felt that way.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">how long would it have been for you to feel comfortable taking the amotional needs questionnaire? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We never took the questionnaire, I didn't find this site until right before d-day and I hadn't gotten that far in looking around here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> when in your w/drawal state did you decide that you "wanted" the m to work? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. About half way during the A I knew I was way in over my head and I wanted out. It was so addicting though that I couldn't bring myself to totally end it. I was pretty miserable during the A, except when I was around the OM. The guilt consumed me though - all the time. So when my hubby found out it was the best time just to end it once and for all.

We already had an appointment scheduled with our MC. I was planning on telling my hubby about the A during that session, but he found out about it all a few days before. We started counseling that week and we are still going, though not as frequently.

There is another thread I saw on here where someone was wondering if they needed MC if they are in recovering. I think it's a must. It's nice having some sort of mediator when hashing out all the details and questions, who isn't emotionally involved.

greergan, i am glad someone else has some of the same questions i do, but on the other hand, i am sorry anyone does. it does help,tho to talk to others going thru the same thing. it seems like most are still having sex thru a lot of this, but that is not the case here. she shows no signs of affection at all. in due time, i guess. maybe someone out there can answer some of our questions? keep me posted on your progress, good luck

chackler, thanks for the insight. i can see that i may need to pick your brain a little bit for the next few weeks. that is if it is all right with you. what i meant earlier, was"when" in w/drawal did you realize you wanted your m to work out. but it sounds like you made that decision before w/d set in. i guess i just wait and see,and hope for the best. again ,it is only 6 weeks since dday and nc. thanks again