so i am closing in on being here for 1 year. i truely believe i have received so much benefit. i would never have confessed if i had not found this place. i would never have brought honesty and integrity into my person.

now i feel like i need to take the next step. i am realizing i am not very mature when it comes to participating in a relationship. i am not saying that as a dig on myself, but as a constructive observation of myself.

i want to mature.

(wow, i NEVER thought i would say something like that!!! so, just to be clear this does NOT mean i am going to get old!!! i have too much fun being a kid at heart and i will NEVER give up my roller skates nor goofy dancing with my kids, when i can trick them into dancing with me)

however, back to my point...

i want to become a more mature marriage partner. i plan to talk to my IC about this for direction. however, since there are so many smart people here... anyone have any suggestions, a book or two maybe, that would help this adolsecent relationship partner grow up a bit??

i have never looked at the LB book because i seriously thought... i don't do any LBs, i'm so sweet all the time, i never get mad, i am not a yeller. well i have realized two things...

1. there are subtle things i do that must be considered to be an LB just as much as a person who very unsubtley yells to get what they want.

2. i actually do yell sometimes. i don't believe i ever did in the early years, but am 100% sure, i am not a saint in that area now.

anyone want to guess why i added T2M at the end of my name???

<small>[ December 01, 2004, 02:58 PM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning-T2M ]</small>

time to mature?

talk to me?

hey, i thought you were on vacation!!!

what do you mean, talk to you? didn't what i wrote make sense??

wait, i take that back... not till the weekend.

I don't leave till tomorrow--I was wondering why you didn't write back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I was j/k about the talk to me--trying to think on the fly you know. Was time to mature correct, or shall I keep guessing? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ok, first of all.... you have mail <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

second... i am sooooooooo SLOW!!!!

i thought you were responding to my entire message, saying... time to mature, what are you talking about??? which is why you said... talk to me. lol

yes. Time 2 Mature is what T2M stands for. you win the prize. and the prize is... telling me HOW to mature!!!

oh my God, what a pair! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

and that's a pretty sucky prize! how can i tell you when i haven't figured it out yet?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

well, you are not of much help then!!!

guess we have to wait for some OLD guy (could i be thinking of JL??) to clue us in.

pep, i would NEVER call you old!!!

bump... thoughts? anyone??

Hey FL T2M -

Maturity.... hmmm.

1) Thinks before speaking
2) Listens more than talking
3) Accepts constructive criticism w/o sulling up
4) Admits mistakes w/o blaming others
5) Accepts responsibility for own actions
6) Extends grace and forgiveness to those that ask for it
7) Isn't affraid to say "I was wrong"
8) Isn't affraid to say "I'm sorry"

I'm sure that someone else can come up with a much better list... these are just some things that popped into my mind...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Statements describing or referring to a mature person:

1. If a person is going to grow toward the kind of maturity we are talking about, it is helpful to have secure development--pre-adult growth. She should not have to use her energy "refighting" childhood battles or nursing old hurts. Maturity can only be built on a sound foundation. Soooo...if you have childhood issues, deal with them first.

2. When a person can live with her past without being bogged down by it, she becomes capable of continued growth. Soooo…accept your past as part of the woman you are today, and you will have the ability to keep moving toward maturity.

3. Another characteristic of becoming mature is the development of wisdom. Wisdom is understanding, knowledge, insight, good judgment, and perception. So part of becoming mature is learning and studying.

4. A mature woman can be ribald or genteel, sweet or acid, jolly or glum. The important point is that she be alive, with vigorous interests that make her interesting to be with. She should have a sense of humor. Soooo…don’t take life so seriously. Learn how to laugh—especially at yourself. Be vibrant and passionate—animated, energetic, vital. Embody “joux de vive.”

5. An important characteristic of the woma who becomes mature is that she is at home with reality. Sooo… no denial…no illusions…no avoidance of the truth, no matter what it may be. In fact, a truly mature woman will pursue reality ruthlessly.

6. The mature woman cannot look outer reality in the face unless she is prepared to look herself in the face, too. She is at home with herself. In other words, everyone must occasionally really LOOK at herself square in the face, and not turn away from the outer physical body. She is prepared to see what is her face really looks like. She is prepared to be honest with herself. And not only that…she is willing to look at herself INTERNALLY too.

7. It follows that the mature woman has to be able to love comfortably with her own body, whether it be strong or weak, handsome or ugly, healthy or failing. In the same way that a mature woman looks herself in the face, a mature woman is able to deal with and love her physical issues. She is comfortable with her physical strengths and weaknesses, and she loves the body that she has been given. She has a healthy view of sexuality AND body image.

8. If the woman’s growth toward maturity is rooted in positive emotional bonds in early infancy, human relationships are going to have a high priority for her. Sooo…if you had positive emotional bonding with your parents as an infant and young child, human relationships will be part of your nature; however, if you did not have positive emotional bonding, or if your parents abused, mistreated, or neglected you—in order to become a fully mature adult in a relationship, you will need to learn how to have positive emotional bonds –or- learn how to not be abused, mistreated or neglected.

9. The woman equipped with the human qualities that make for maturity will usually have powerful concern with social problems and ways of improving them. Sooo…maturity entails involvement with and concern for society in general, for the social groups that one is involved with, and for the government of their country, state and city—because a mature woman recognizes that she is not alone in the world.

10. For all her social-mindedness, for all her savoring of human relationships, the maturing woman is not dependent on always having company. Sooo…she is comfortable being alone. One of my favorite sayings is that she can “walk with loneliness.”

11. It is apparent that the person who is becoming mature does not accept values readymade. In other words, a mature woman does not just accept things because someone tells her it’s true…she uses her own mind. She challenges and tests. She knows herself well enough to know her True Self…to know if this is a value she will accept because it is her own value.

12. The mature woman has to learn when to conform and when not to conform, when to speak out and when to remain silent. Her values must be so structured and scaled that she can distinguish between what is central and inviolable and what is peripheral and expendable - or at least can be postponed. Sooo…the mature woman knows what is an ultimate bottom line for her, what is a very important value, what is a serious request, and what is a preference. A mature woman knows what her bottom line boundaries are and can express them succinctly.

13. To live realistically (which by no means forbids the conscious exploitation and employment of fantasy) means to live in consciousness of one's own mortality. Sooo…a mature woman may occasionally make a conscious decision to enjoy a delicious fantasy or a pleasant daydream, but she is firmly rooted in reality, AND in reality she knows that her life here on earth is transient. She won’t live forever, and she has a dealt with her spirituality in a way that is appropriate TO HER.

14. The mature woman knows that she has to go on choosing alternatives, that each alternative costs her something, and there are things she will never be able to do and experience. She also knows that there are things she will never be able to do again, that she can never recapture her youth or relive her first encounters with certain experiences. She knows that her integrity is continually threatened by practical demands, by seductive temptations, by concessions and compromises, by conflicting values, and can only be preserved at the cost of some psychic strain. In other words, a mature woman takes personal responsibility. She knows that SHE makes her own choices, and that her choices cost her something and affect others. She accepts that there are some things in life that she will never get to do, and she can not change that. She also does not go through a mid-life crisis because she is no longer young…she accepts that she is older. She does not try to rekindle “infatuation” …she accepts that real love is more commitment than hots. And most of all, she realizes that when her honor is endangered by temptation, sacrifices, or difficulty—that protecting her honor is not going to be easy and it’s going to cause her some discomfort. She accepts that she is not always going to feel “happy” and that sometimes doing the right thing hurts.

15. She knows that the only real rewards in life come with continued growth, and that there is no room in the one material life she has for major regrets. This woman who has approached maturity can know that she has loved, had done her work, has made her mark on people and, although she wishes there were more time, that she has made the most of what there was. No matter whether your spouse chooses to stay in your marriage or not, you can KNOW deep within you that you LOVED. When you reconnect with your True Self, you will know what your purpose is—and as you mature, you will know that you have done your work that you were intended to do. You will know that you had family, children, relatives, friends, co-workers, and even people on MB whom you have deeply touched…you made your mark on thousands of lives.

In Summary: The adult with a capacity for true maturity is one who has grown out of childhood experiences without losing childhood's best traits. She has retained the basic emotional strengths of infancy, the stubborn autonomy of "toddlerhood", the capacity for wonder and pleasure and playfulness of the preschool years, the capacity for affiliation and intellectual curiosity of the school years, and the idealism and passion of adolescence. She has incorporated these into a new pattern of simplicity dominated by adult stability, wisdom, knowledge, sensitivity to other people, responsibility, strength, and purposefulness.

In love,


CJ

P.S. I'm proud of you FL. You are REALLY getting it!!!

<small>[ December 01, 2004, 11:09 PM: Message edited by: FaithfulNewCJ ]</small>

OLD GUY?????

I resemble that remark. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Maturity huh???? Well let's see...

1. PERSPECTIVE doesn't come with maturity it is a sign of maturity. A mature adult can see things from different perspectives and better evaluate the WHOLE situation, not just their part in it.

2. VALUE SYSTEM: A mature person has a value system with which to evaluate the different perspectives they can now see. They know the difference between assessment of a situation and JUDGEMENT about a situation. Assessment entails the ability to look at a situation from different perspectives and assess which is best for them and those around them...not what is most comfortable.

3. CHARACTER: Something you get when you don't get what you want and...with age there are a lot of things that will build character.

4. BEING A CHARACTER: A mature person is confident enough in themselves to BE themselves and thus has the freedom to be a character.

5. LIMITATIONS: A mature person knows their limitations and better yet knows the limitations of those most important in their lives, thus helping rather than hurting that person.

6. HUMOR: A mature person has a good sense of humor and can see easily the humor in their own follies.

7. COMPASSION: A mature person knows enough about themselves to have compassion for the failings of other people.

8. GRACE: A mature person handles life with a grace that avoids putting another person in a corner with no way out.

And finally a mature person has gone through the evolution described by Winston Churchill. "If you are not liberal when you are young, you don't have a heart. If you are not conservative when you get older you don't have a brain." And more importantly they know he was NOT limiting this to politics but to the happy conjunction of emotional and intellectual development. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So FL how did the Old Fella do? Any of this make sense?

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ December 02, 2004, 12:11 AM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

Hey JL - toss in a little humilty, will you?

GC

GC,

Humility????? Heck I am not mature enough for that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

JL

all i can say is WOW. thanks for the excellent lists. today has been very crazy at work, no time to digest any of it yet. i did talk to IC today and told her scrutinizing my habits and looking for areas of improvement (i.e. becoming a mature relationship partner!) is what i want to focus on.

i am going to start a journal and get very disciplined about writing in it each day so don't have to rely on memory (something that can change sometimes based on a particular day's mood).

i will print this out as well and journal thoughts about each of them. looking over them, i have to say, there are actually a couple i can honestly say i already do...

again, thanks for the excellent stuff to reflect on.