Do you know of situations where a marriage has recovered even when there has been contact?

My H. has contact with OW through a hobby (bands) rather that work.

He is adamant that our relationship will work out. He doesnt see contact with her (always in a large group etc.) as something I should worry about.

What are your thoughts?

Sandy

re-read the concepts portion of this site... Harley's recomendation for recovery ... NC. Period.

pep

Sandi,

My H continued to work with OW for 18 months after dday and they had sporadic contact... little conversations... a couple of passed notes. We made it. But honestly, my healing really didn't take off until my H left that company and there was no chance they'd have contact again.

I don't know how I would feel about a band situation, though. Sure, there are lots of people around, but they are in close proximity at all times. It was hard for me, even when OW worked a different shift and they might only pass as she left and he came to work. I don't know if I could have stood them actually being just feet from each other.

I still think he should quit any band that she is in. He needs to do that for you.

~ Snow

<small>[ December 01, 2004, 08:13 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

Contact for practice, performance, drinks afterwards....I've been on MB 6 years, I've never seen a marriage have this kind of ongoing WS/OP contact without the A either continuing or restarting.

My H & I are 4+ years into recovery, and he did continue to have occasional work contact with the FOW.

However, it took us 7 separations and 2+ years of the A being off/on again.

We've now been in recovery 4+ years. But, if she hadn't begun dating his best friend, the guy H lived with while we were separated, I'm not sure the A would have ended.

After that point, we were separated an additional 5 months, during which I began the divorce process. THEN H made his choice to come back to the marriage, but we took it slow. But, H was open to giving me his email & voice mail passwords, and also took care at work to avoid projects with her. They work in separate buildings on the same complex.

Your H continuing in a band with her and the obvious "harmonizing" & communication that must take place, plus alcohol is a much different situation, and one that has little chance of getting you to recovery without the reignition of the affair.

Recovery with contact is much more difficult and prone to failure and continuing distrust and heartache.

Avoid it if at all possible.

And, if this isn't a paying band as you said in your other thread, it shouldn't have this priority. His loyalty to the band leader with cancer is understandable, but is that loyalty also more important than his marriage and his wife's needs?

MB principles say no contact. That is when the healing takes place.

Well, let me tell ya...

I'm now up 2 the 34.5th month since D-day, and though Penny believes that my W doesn't have contact with OM anymore (last known contact was around August) and that the A ended over a year ago, I've NEVER gotten a "promise" of NC out of my W.

It makes recovery VERY, VERY difficult, maybe impossible. We're getting along better than ever before, but the contact issue may be a total show-stopper even now, if I don't hear "permanent NC" at some point. My W's A started 13 years ago. They broke it off about 8 ago, then started again about 4 years ago.

If anything, I've got a "guarantee" the the A WILL restart at some point, unless my W decides it's in her best interest 2 show me that she agrees with NC and can stick 2 it.

Pretty icky, when looked at that way.

-ol' 2long

You know, I do'nt know you from Adam, and so I may be talking a lot of steam here, but I feel the other side needs to be heard in this situation. There are guidelines and conventional wisdom for a reason. It's usually wise, and has been tested by others, tested by time, to reveal safest results.
But does advice fit for every relatinoship, every situation? Most certainly not.
I agree with the others that healing cannot take place while you have any doubt that he's carrying on a friendship, platonic, emotional, civil, or otherwise with the former OW. Even if you are sure the PA has stopped.
But information is key. it's what you don't know that is hurting you. You don't know where they stand now. Maybe she is totally not interested in him any more. Maybe there is a chance she resents him for ever getting her involved in his emotional crisis... I mean, who knows? Do you know where she is at in all of this? What would happen if you talked to her about it, leveled with her and said "I don't want him to miss band, but I'm not comfortable that you will be there. What can we do to solve this problem?" and maybe you'll hear that she intends to leave soon, or that she respects your position and is glad you called because she has wondered about that and isn't very comfortable wiith it either. I mean, who knows? It COULD go like that. I've had werider things happen.
Imagining the worst- that she is longing for him every time they see each other, or that he is longing for her- is going to make you draw a line in the sand that might not need to be there. Of course you don't want him around what you beleive is temptation. But temptation exists everywhere. If he's going to have an affair again, there isn't anything you can do about it.
If you love him and trust him, then I'd ask to go to band practices. He should have no problem with that. I'd meet her, shake her hand, act like nothing happened. She'll know why you're there, even if you didn't call her beforehand.
And if you get the chance to see them interact with each other, you can decide if NC is necessary for you to heal or not.
Be careful tho-- if ANYTHING feels weird, then it's weird. Listen to your instincts. If your instincts are saying it feels like he and her with you on the outside, then no way. If it feels like you and he, she on the outside, then maybe Ok? Or maybe not yet?
It could be that they were friends before and have easily fallen into being just casual friends again. The more you know of her/them at present, the more comfortable yo'll be.
How does that sound?
I know from my own experiences that sometime in the past, I dated someone, became intimate, and later we broke up, but I still knew him, and it was the most natural thing to do to send each other cards, see each other when in town, etc... and there was never any weirdness. Only decency and respect. His wife met me, and we liked each other. It would really bum me out if a man came and said "Hey don't invite him, he's been with you" and on those grounds, an those grounds alone, I was not allowed to be friends with whom I wanted-- someone who had proven to be only a friend from there on out.
Also, I think it's important to take your place in the marriage- the wife comes first, and he needs to know that your healing is important an right now you are extrmely vulnerable, but sometimes making rules for the other person to adhere to is making more of it than it is to either of the poeple involved. And the forbidden fruit is tastier, isn't it?
I wonder, if it weren't for band, would your H still be in contact with her? Or would he have dropped all contact anyway? Even without you asking?
Those are big questions I realize. Probably it's easiest to follow the rules here and make the NC take presidence, but if you are open minded to other things, I"d proceed with caution, making sure you get in there and see it for yourself, and be around the band some to get a feel for what it's like for them both.
But that is just me, and Lawd knows I am no master of relationships! I tend to live by the proverb "Why not?" makes for an interesting life and often I find more fulfillment finding a creative solution to problems.
Best of luck. And Don't hate me if it backfires!
*just kidding*
Lucy

Sandi,

If you check my signature line you will see I’m a FWW who still working at the same company as OM. We bump into each other now and then. A few days ago I’ve send this thread on how to do NC at work to help other people in similar situations cope with this.

For a very long time after my EA ended and I started withdrawal, I thought I would NEVER be able to recover while there was still accidental contact with OM. MANY times I whished I could leave this company or get another job, but because of personal, economical and political reasons in this country this wasn’t (and still isn’t) possible…

I must honestly tell you these accidental encounters with OM and the constant fear and anxiety of bumping into him, made recovery and withdrawal extremely hard and difficult for me… My withdrawal period was very long (18 months) and I think this wouldn’t be the case if there wasn't any contact with OM. In the beginning, every time I saw OM or bumped into him, I went a few steps back in my personal recovery. But luckily…as time has passed, I was able to get distance from my feelings and things started to become better.

Today, me and my H are in a place where these accidental encounters isn’t such a huge concern for both us anymore. If I bump in OM, I just greet him briefly when it’s inappropriate & impossible to totally ignore him, and if I’m compelled to talk to him due to circumstances at work, I keep the conversation professional, civil & to the point. Luckily this doesn’t happen very often and I’m thankful for that. I still feel uncomfortable and slightly anxious when I see him and I’m still very much ‘on guard’ (I think I always will), but I have moved passed the residual feelings I had for him. I considered myself as recovered in spite of these accidental encounters. However, I still firmly believe in NC and I know I can’t be friends with OM EVER again (not even on platonic level). I respect my H and values my M too much for that and I know there is always the danger that feelings might get reiginated if not cautious and carefull.

So yes, although I’ve personally experienced that recovery is possible in spite of some contact with the OP, I think your H’s continuous contact with OW and his wish to stay in the band isn’t a good idea or appropriate at all... Even if he really doesn’t have any feelings for her anymore, he must stay out of her way out of respect for you and his marriage. Just the fact that you, the BS, aren’t happy with this situation must be reason enough for him to give up his band.

Sorry so long.

Blessing,
Suzet

<small>[ December 02, 2004, 03:42 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Sandi

I am dealing with this one right now.

It is easy to say " NC is not negotiable" but harder to effect without causing much pain in teh household.

I can only suggest that you have a 'consequence plan' for if your WH refuses to take extraordinary precautions to maintain NC.

I told my Squid ( FWW) last night that if she met OM again i would cease working on our M.And I meant it.

She is thinking that one over right now.

I think that 95% of her wants to continue her sport BUT 5% of her would like to rekindle a friendship with OM too.

I cannot support that however well we are doing elsewhere in recovery. I suggest you do the same sandi.

All blessings.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
<strong> I told my Squid ( FWW) last night that if she met OM again i would cease working on our M.And I meant it.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not to threadjack, but I know that must have been a very tough decision for you, Bob. However, I would tend to think it was the right one. Hang in there.

***He doesnt see contact with her (always in a large group etc.) as something I should worry about.***

Well, how nice of him to decide *for* you how you should feel and what you should need. Saves you a lot of trouble, doesn't it?

This is the prime sign that your husband Does Not Get It. He is willing to let you suffer through these situations so that he doesn't have to miss his own fun.

What does this tell you about where you really are in recovery?
Mulan

Sandigirrl,

Like Suzet I am a FWW, and I agree with much of her post.

In my own experience...I continued working with the OM for over two months after D-Day. I had very little contact with him during that time because we were in different departments and tried to avoid each other. Still, it was horrible for my H to endure, and it was very difficult for me to get over the fog stage because the possibility of bumping into the OM was always there.

My thought is that you and your H would benefit greatly if he were to just give that bandaid a quick yank and let the healing begin.

Good luck to you.

I dont think that the marriage can survive if there is contact. My husbands affair did not end while he still had contact, and most of the time a phone call was all it took. I often think about ringing the OW but know that it is not a good idea, so I refrain. No contact, thats what I say.