Which way do I go now? Found out 1 yr ago h was having EA with a female that lives close by. He refused to discuss this, He kept in contact even though I went to her when I first found out (Since "nothing was going on", and "she was my friend also") and asked her not to have any contact with h. Well,,, 1 yr later I find myself moved out of my home of the past 10 yrs, granted the boys (i have 3 oldest 14 youngest 6) likes this arrangement since I'm only 8 houses over the hill and they can walk back and forth. So, I moved out Sept 15. I've had a couple of bad She said - she said incidents with ow. H still defends her, I'm the controlling, taking everything out of context one. So, finally I told H as long as you have any contact with ow I don't want anything to do with you. Keep it only about the boys. (Ok, so I handled this wrong, and reading the boards here I have found how I can improve that mistake) Not even two weeks later he tells me he has to break conatact with ow to see where our marriage would go. He then gives me a list of things that I did wrong and wants to know how I could change them. So he brok contact with ow - so he says, which took him 2 hrs to do! He didn't want to hurt her feelings since she is "such a good friend". That didn't sit well with me at all. But...I attempted to move on. Tried to be supportive, reasuring to him. 3 days later, thanksgiving, he tells me after dinner I had invited him over - that he doesn't think we are compatible, he loves me but is not in love with me - withdrawl? So I told him we had all weekend to spend some time alone with each other and could talk more. So on friday he leaves town!! for the whole weekend!! With his sister who is not supporting of our marriage. He comes back, and has totally shut down. To make it worse I think he met Ow after he dropped boys off at the house. (disappeared for a time - know because attempted to contact him for boys school book that were forgotton at his house) I have made some LBers, sarcastic comments. No full blown argument. For past year we are seeing the same counsler but seperately. (When I first found out about EA) but she said she needed to see us separtely due to the anger. So, Friday we are to see her together again. 3x. @x in the past month. Tonight he said he wanted to go by himself, What Now? We are physically seperated/emotionally seperated, and now he is withdrawn. I'm emotionally tired. Thinking about just going out with some friends on friday night - which he would not like at all! But hey, hes doing what he wants. I know thats not the right attitude to have, but I'm tired of "bending" to his wishes. By the way, in my last post H didn't tell what has actully happened with ow. I have only gut feeling and what I have seen and heard through snooping etc. He says I don't need to know. counsler has agreed. I have an appointment with counsler before "our appointment" that I'm going to go to, Sorry so long, but what now?

{{{{Alirose89}}}}}
Hi! im sorry your so upset right now. Theres usually not a lot of people on the boards right now so you may have to wait awhile for some good advice. Just wanted you to know your not alone.

-michelle

1. is the op married..
does spouse know..what is his input

2. does the OP have children
are your children exposed to her?

3. why did you move out...why did you agree to that..you need to move back in.

what did his list say of things you did wrong..

you need a plan to ground you and stop the waffling...

ark

Well the op is not married but does have children a little older than my boys. All the kids are aware that "H and OP were supportive friends that liked to take walks together" and that I "just didn't understand and took it wrong" the worse conversation was with my 14 yr old one night - he asked me why if nothing happened with them, why did 2 of his friends see them kissing down by the river on one of their walks? It turns out my sons friends told their moms - my neighbors so everyone knew what was going on when I went to work and finally one of them told me. H works dayshift, I work straight afternoons. H said it was better that way no babysitter. Well,, that's changing now in jan. and H does not like I will be on dayshift also.
We live in a small community. My H has always belonged to the volunteer fire dept. After my mom passed away, OP actally talked me into joining. So for past 7 yrs I have been friends with her. Not close - at least not my end. She has been to my house many of times for holiday dinners etc...
When I found out, my husband was going through testing for a serious chronic condition. We wasn't sure what the outcome was going to be. Since this has all came out he has denied me any of his health information not allowed to go to his appointments etc...worse is OP is a nurse Practioner, so he relies on her for "information".
My children are exposed to her.
I moved out because I gave him 6 months to attempt counsling, and to see if anything would changed. It got so bad we couldnt look at each other! alot of harsh LBers of both sides. He was going to move out and give me the house, but since it was his families house that we bought, and it needed work - new furnance, roof etc..I decided to move out. I enjoy my new place! My MC says this is my cocoon. So true! I have enjoyed being able to come home to the kids in their beds due to babysitter, he gets them after school until 9 then i have a babysitter here. My house is not trashed - when I would come home at other house, H didn't care. Dishes, clothes trash everywhere so I would spend extra hr just attempting to get from the front door to bedroom. I have a six month lease, ends in feb. I dont know if i will renew or not.
His list of things I did wrong: 1)lack of communication - very true. I work full time as an emergency dispatcher which is very stressful at times. Most days we would see each other only during vehicle exchanges. H got home at 3pm, I left at 3:15. days off he planned his meeting for fire house, said that way he didn't have to drag boy over there. He has quit fire dept, due to health at this time.
2)My smoking - he was a smoker also and quit about 1 yr before this broke loose. He does have a serious lung condition, sarcoid, so even though I couldn't stand the sight of him when I lived at home I would smoke outside. Never around him. Still today when I'm around him i will not smoke. I am cutting back though my personnel goal is to quit for new year - for me.
3) cat and dog - just before my mom passed away, we thought she was in remission, so she got a peckingese puppy to encourge her. when she passed away, I inherited the cat and dog. I'm an only child so...and father is deceased also. He didn't believe in pets, and wants me to get rid of them.
4) house cleaning - he said house was always a mess. You should see his house now! Its disgusting! Even the boys say so, of course the mother reply - clean it up!
Help on the plan part. I have read and reread the plan a/ plan b and don't know where to start. He is not open to reading or talking about any information that i find out - although thru this board i have found some great ways to bring things into conversation. So, right now, I'm working on me. the taker. What makes me happy. Granted all he has to do is say he is having a hard time, and i jump to do anything i can for him. I think i goto stop that. Let OP do it? so...waffling....me to the extreme and don't know how to quit. Sorry so long hopefully you didnt fall asleep reading.