My situation: I found out July 1st this year that my wife was having an affair on me. From what I understand she has been knowing him for 2 years. When I found out she called him and told him that she wanted to work on our marriage. We hav 2 kids S5, D4. She said that it was over between them. I caught her calling him and she talked to him 2 weeks after d day. Then she emailed him about 2 months after dday. I called him and he said that he didnt want to talk to my wife anymore bec he was working on his own marraige. Well i caught her calling him about 1 month ago also and she said she had a weak moment. Well I have been going to counseling and so has she. I dont run around, I work and go home after work, get my kids ready in the morning, bring them to school, help clean the house, etc. I am always home with my family. Well I have gone thru the depression part of the affair. I am still on the roller coaster of the whole ordeal. I feel that I am doing all the work and then I just break down and lose it and chew her out for the pain that she has put me thru. I know that this is not right, but now i feel that I dont know if I want to stay married to her. We still live together. I am giving her all the affection, I rub her head to go to sleep at nite give her back rubs etc. She told me that she likes and needs that. But she does not even touch me muchless rub me. We are not having S-- at bec she says that her heart is not into it. Im at a breaking point and dont know what to do PLEASE HELP.

I don't know. I suppose everybody here would say to move into Plan A. Try for NC and go to MC. Think about your boundaries and what you want. You can't demand physical stuff. But maybe someday, she'll spontaneously give you that backrub. Think what a victorious moment that will be. At least you're in the same bed at night.

I'll be interested in seeing what others with more experience than me have to say here.

My thoughts are with you.

She is in withdrawal. My FWH was very unaffectionate during this time. He was still calling OW about once a month for 3 months after he came back home. I had boundaries and he crossed them. Of course I called him on them as soon as I found out about the calls. Withdrawals take a few months go to away. All you can pretty much do is lay down boundaries and ask her to maintain NC. Do a great Plan A, which means giving and not getting for a while. In the end she will find her feelings for you again, AS LONG AS NC REMAINS! If there is contact it starts all over again. It is an awful process watching them cleanse of the OP. Honestly I found it sickening and repulsive. I think everyone that has gone through an A and is still married will tell you that you want to M to the person and then the next day you don't. I guess it is part of the BS process of healing. I am not really sure. I just know that almost everyone on the recovery board has posted those same feelings. I am about 4 months into recovery and I still have those days.

Just keep doing what your doing. And most of all talk, talk, talk. And read surviving and affair and his needs/her needs by Steve Harley.

Good luck and god bless.

HINY

The no touching bit is typical. Very hard to deal with, but rest assured you are not alone- unfortunently!! My H and I have been attempting recovery since last March and I still have to ask him to kiss me most of the time. I feel like I am forceing something that should be natural. When I say kiss I mean the bare basic lip pecking, no tongue involved practically ever. He is still withdrawn or not fully involved during SF like he use to. He has gotten better over time, but it is still hard to deal with.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are very early on in the recovery process and it is bound to improve.

Your wife's withdrawls is normal as well, however any contact with the OM is NOT okay. It sets you back to square one every time. If the OM is trying to make things work with his M that is good, could he maybe change his number?

I wish I had better advice, just know you are not alone.

Thanks for all of the advice, the problem that i a having is that I wake up one day happy and the next day mad as hell. I just look at her and want to hurt her as much as she has hurt me. I am not asking for s any more bec. that was a problem when i woukld get turned down so i am following my counselors advice. That is not very easy for me since I rub her head and back at nite. Sunday nite I lost it and chewed her out and told her every mean thing that i could think of. I picked up the telephone and heard her talking to her girlfriend and listened in. She said she thought I might be listening in and if I would only be nice to her. She also said to her friend if I heard the beginning of their conversation we would prob be fininsh any way. Well i dont know how to take that comment but i take it as she still feels for him or has contacted him in some way. So that is why i got so mad that nite and chewed her out. I know that i was wrong but i dont know what to do.

I am basically going through similiar feelings as you.. The difference is my H is in therapy and has told me that he built walls of resentment towards me and is trying to break them down and until then has a hard time showing affection, and treating me the way i deserve.. so i go through happy days and then mad as hell days as to how someone can be like this.. realized though my mad as hell days which were more than the happy days was only pushing him away... for the last week i've tried to be upbeat, non confrontational and giving all the affection and expecting nothing in return.. i have noticed a slight difference in him. Maybe if you could hold back your mad as hell days and keep them to yourself and not show your wife maybe she will come around.. as long as she has NC with OP that may help... Try and be the loving caring person you are and if she doesn't respond to that then you know you've tried your best...

Well i have tried that in the past and yes i can say that she said that she was feeling better about us, but then i lost it. I dont know how much of this roller coaster i can take. I often wonder if i would leave if i would have these same feelings. She also tells me every day what i do wrong and i feel like i can do nothing right for her or to please her. Any little thing i do she is quick to jump on me, and that is what i cant take.

imconfused2,

As a fellow BS [betrayed spouse] I understand your pain and anger, but if you are truly serious about saving and rebuilding your marriage you are going to have to stop yourself from engaging in LB [love busters] otherwise in doesn't matter how many of her EN [emotional needs] you try to fulfill because your behavior will only end up sabotaging any gains you achieve. Think about trying to gather water [EN] to put out a fire [Affair] using a bucket with a hole [LB] in it that keeps getting larger and larger because you are expanding it and you will have an idea of how LBing your WW only makes matters worse. Furthermore, your LB behavior is making it harder for her to end contact with the OM and feel emotionally safe with you to start falling in love with you again. Here is a list of the LB, see if you are guilty of any of them:

1. Angry Outbursts: Who wants to live with a time bomb?

2. Selfish Demands: Who wants to live with a dictator?

3. Disrespectful Judgements: Who wants to live with a critic?

4. Independent Behavior: Who wants to live with a selfish jerk?

5. Annoying Habits: Who wants to live with a leaky faucet.

Your WW [wayward wife] is solely responsible for her affair but both of you are equally responsible for the state of your marriage.

Read Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters' as well as Dave Carder's book 'Torn Asunder'. Also consider going to your doctor to have you checked out for any signs of depression and if so to prescribe you anti-depressants.

It only takes one spouse to change the marriage and influence the other spouse to adopt similar changes that will not only save the marriage but rebuild it into a happier and better one.

TMCM

only you know how much you can take and how much you are willing to put up with. The anger you discribe that comes and goes I feel too. I sometimes still get angry at what my H did to our marriage. I get angry everytime I hear the OP's name,, and working in a school I hear it A LOT as it is popular now a days. I hate the fact I can not trust him. I am quick to conclusions when H is not home when I *think* he should be. I get hurt easiy. There is no passion when we make love, and that hurts me tremendously. I am a very passionate person, and a person that has a high need for affection and attention and H is not either willing/able to provide that for me currently. He is trying but it is not enough at times. I know how you are feeling. I am sorry that you are. Have you tried to discuss this with your wife at all?

I also have another question that I want to ask my wife. I want to ask her when was the last time that she has talked to him. The last times that i caught her i asked her and knew the answer before i asked and she lied to me. Now i dont know the answer but i feel that she has had some communication with him. I want to ask her but i want the correct answer (whatever it is). She also wants a ring for christmas, i dont want to spend too much money if any at all bec. i dont know where this will go. For our anniversary on May 2 of this year she didnt get me a thing, not even a card. when i asked her about that she said when she looked at the cards she didnt feel it in her heart so she got nothing. Well that is how i feel rt not.
Any suggestions????

My big love buster currently is to ask her if she has had contact or checked her secret email account.

We had a fight about this today when she would not spend a few minutes with me before we started the day....my gut tells me that she took his call today, I don't know for sure and suppose I must try to make myself not ask.

I do not know how long it takes in Plan A to achieve no contact...wish I did cause then I could at least have a real goal to work for.

I think the place I am trying to get to is this. I know that my wife is with me every day. I know that she is hurting and that I hurt her with some of my actions.

What if I completely stopped those actions?

Everyone here tells me that if I can do that then there is a much, much better chance that my wife will not have any contact with the other person.

I agree with that but you also know how hard it is not to ask those questions. I also know that we are supposed to be totally honest with each other and by that i want her to be honest even if she did talk to him. In my situation I have talked to the om on several occasions, typically after she has tried to contact him. I guess i want to know so i can talk to him to tell him that i know that they are communicating and also hold over his head the thought of me telling his wife about the affair, so he can go thru and much sh-- as im going thru to try to save his marriage.

You must expose the affair to the OM's wife.

It is one of the quickest ways to kill an affair.

Also, and equally important, she has a right to know. If she does not know, and you do know, you are actually enabling this affair, and participating in betraying this woman.

Also, read everything you can on this site.

Start here: Dr Harley's Basic Concepts

dewt

Well guys this morning i asked my wife if she has been talking to the om. She looked in my eyes and told me no. I dont really know if i believe her or not but that is what she says. Well she also informed me that she cannot bring herself to have s-- with me because in the past she did it just to satisfy me. Some times she said that she just laid their and felt raped. She said that will not happen again and she doesnt know if she will bring herself to want to have it again.

She tells me that she was their for me in the past and I was her best friend but I blew it. She was only looking for someone to make her feel special and important. I asked her what i could do to make her want to have s-- again and she said that she doesnt know but one thing is to not push her to have it. She said she wants to do it also and it makes her feel bad that she doesnt want to do it with her husband laying next to her.

She says that she want to feel important and chereished by me.

She also came home last nite and told me where some rings were that she wanted for Christmas.
I have a problem with this ring because it is quite a lot of money and I dont know what to do with our relationship in this state. I dont know if I should buy it to show her that she is important or not.

I am very confused and concerned about this ring thing honestly....

My FWH wouldn't even wear his wedding ring for a couple of months. Does she by chance think that this piece of jewelry is going to make her feel recovered or cured? It takes more than that. You should be getting her a years worth of counseling at an IC office for Christmas I think. Is she going to IC? It sounds as though she really needs to go. I would have made that one of the boundaries of the marriage continuing, either IC or MC. Some of the things that you are experiencing are normal after an affair but some of them really need to be hashed out. The best place to do it is at MC. Do you know why she wants a ring so badly? Does she have an engagement ring now? Have you totally neglected her in the past, like never gotten her jewelry ever or something? I am just trying to figure out the ring thing.

As far as contact, it is not an LB to ask if they have contacted OP. It is not disrespectful either. It is called being honest, radically honest. You ask, they answer hopefully truthfully. If they think that is an LB well hand them the list that TMCM just gave you. You have a right to know if they have had contact. It is your marriage, and there isn't room in a marriage for three. There isn't room in your bedroom for three physically or mentally. If she is in contact you need to know how many people are in the room with you at any given time...am I making sense at all? I hope so. Good luck and keep working at it. It takes sooo much time and it isn't always a bed of roses. I will be the first to tell you that.

HINY

Well i can answer some of your questions. My wife has told me that when i want something she is all for it and anything that i want to make me happy she is for it. And yes i have to agree with that, i am the one in the marriage that has to think long and hard about a purchase before I get it. She says that when ever she gets something she has to fight for it and by the time she gets it it loses the meaning. And I have to agree with her on that also.

Yes we are both going to Ind. Counseling to two seperate counselors.

I dont know if I should go buy the ring w/o any bickering or not at all.

She says that anything she wants i give her grief for it because i think it is not important. I bought a boat last year and I just recentlty got rearended on the highway and it was totaled. I took some of the money from the insurance and bought some new bedroom furniture for her 2 months ago bec. that was something she always wanted. I also got the front yard redone by a professional. And no i didnt get another boat. so im boatless.

This is the reason that im having a problem with the ring. She also has finished school and started teaching full time this year which allows us money to do these extra things. So should i get the ring to show her that i do care and that she is important and an equal partner.

PLEASE HELP!!!

PS The s-- issue doesnt help either.