PEP,

I just want to know when the dark days ended for you? Recovery is going really well. NC has been in place since Aug. He is on days now. We are a real family for the first time ever. We eat supper together and everything. Why am I so sad still? And when do these times end?

I know you are way into recovery so I am wondering how many more of these depressed trips am I going to make before it all ends? I just want to cry for the entire day and it started yesterday. My IC says go a head and cry if you need to, get it out. But I just want the sadness to go away and enjoy the happiness now. The holidays are coming and I want them to be good this year for the kids. Last year was awful I can hardly remember them honestly. I just know I barely exsisted. Any thoughts on when it stops hurting? The pain is still so fresh sometimes.

Thanks,

HINY

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by HopefulinNY:
I just want to know when the dark days ended for you? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">After about 2 years ... then I might go 6 months or so and have a "dark hour" or two.

Keep in mind ... we had NO false recovery and NO continued contact after D-day. Why? Because my terms of continuing the marriage were pretty darn tough. I said "Confess to OW's husband ... or you're not the man I want to stay with."

I think many BS give away too much to have their WS back home prematurely.

Pep

Thanks PEP,

I wish I had the leverage that you had. OW was single and had no one to answer to at all. I didn't know he was still going to see her out back at work until we were about 6 weeks into the "recovery". I guess that is what bothers me the most now is everything he said and did then. Why is it bothering me now? I have no idea really. I know I have PTSD from this. My IC has told me it will be a while before I am "normal" feeling again.

I think about all the things he said and all the things he did and how he lied and it kills me inside. I think I should be past this kind of stuff by now. Most of it is going on a year now. Dday was over a year ago. I just remember him saying stuff like I wasn't that great in bed, and he loved her more than me. When I asked him when he was planning on telling me about the A he said we were waiting to see when you got your SSD decision. Now I think back he said WE! That means he included her in my most personal aspects of my life, not his, mine! These are the things that bother me the most. The sex thing is just that sex. It is the emotional part that tears me up inside. I think I am going mental or something. Maybe I need to seek psychiatric help. I am beginning to wonder anymore. As far as recovery now, my M couldn't be better. We spend tons of time together and we talk about lots of stuff all the time. For the first time in our M we are on the same page with our kids. My son just started using the potty full time, whoohoo! I think it is just me!

Thanks for listening PEP, I can always count on you.

HINY

Yeah ... you can always count on me to PROBE you with uncomfortable questions !!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Here's one:

What or who defines who you are?

Pep

At this point what defines me ..... my children mostly and my home. I really can't offer much more than that at this point.

Is this what you mean?

HINY

I would just like to add, HINY, that at the stage of H being back home that you are at right now, I had the SAME feelings/thoughts. I think it is "normal." What helped me is having a MC that we could go to once a month, and navigate these overwhelming emotions. Occassionally it was an "issue" that really had to do with H, but mostly it was my own stuff that I had to work through.

IMO, it gets better with time. You just have to get through "in the meantime." Have you ever read that book? "In the Meantime?" The author's name has an I and a V and a Z in it. I'll have to look it up if you are interested.

Love you, honey.

Spidey

Thanks SS. I know you are right.

And I will look that book up again. I think I took that out of the library once during the false recovery. I can't remember.

Love ya too,

HINY