</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Orchid:
<strong> Dewt,
You and dylan have been back and forth on these issues for years. With all the input, insight and info it seems or sounds like you feel you are still near square 1.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Close. I feel like I want to
get to square one. The basic decision by BOTH of us to work togther to tackle these issues and work towards ultimately being a success story. Not just in our marriage, but also in our Life together.
I
know it will be a long and hard road, if we choose to take it. I'm not asking her to declare us healed. I just want to know if she
wants us to heal.
And it may seem like a silly little distinction. After all, we are here living together. We say, "I love you," all the time - and mean it. There are moments of intimacy and in lots of ways, we seem to be moving forward.
But that little distinction makes a subtle but profound difference. To me, at least. It changes my whole perspetive from a sprinter's mentality to a marathon runners mentality. And the marathon mentality is what keep me in control of myself even when things get really tough. But I cannot sprint a marathon. Make any sense?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid:
<strong>You both know the rules, path, principles etc. but you are both still stuck in the past.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This I need explained to me. I'm not 'getting it' maybe, or misunderstanding... I don't feel that I am stuck in the past. I feel like I'm stuck on the future. As in I just want to know what road I'm suppossed to be travelling.
With respect to ME, I know what I have to do, what changes I have to make.
With respect to Dylan and our marriage, well I could use some help there. I know some of the things, but I feel that there's a lot of issues where I could use a written intruction manual. In English. With Diagrams. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid:
<strong>I think each of you allow yourselves to be held back by the other. It is an endless cycle that others see and you both continue to ride. Aren't you both dizzy yet? Which one of you is willing to make that break to get off that ride? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very dizzy. This cycle is devastating to me. I'm not happy about my failures. I'm not sitting here quietly patting myself on the back for being attractive enough to seduce 4 women in a year. I'm appalled at my behaviour. What's worse, I'm appalled at my thinking patterns. That I could lose sight and strength and fall so far from what I know in my heart is right.
I do so want to get off. Sadly (and I have given ample demonstration) I don't seem to know how to get off without busting the ride and taking out a couple of innocent bystanders in the process.
This is an area where I could SURE use some help. Again, ideally that help would come from Dylan, but I'll take what I can get because I admit that figuring this out seems to be beyond me.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid:
<strong>Using the children as an excuse to keep that ride going is not good for the children. It is evident it isn't good for your M and hurts each of your personal recovery. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No. It isn't a good excuse at all. But it is a good reason to put the extra effort in. My sons have been an enormous source of strength for me. And I know that if it weren't for Mini-dewt, Dylan would be looong gone.
However, I know from experience that being unhappy without any sign of change over long periods of time has a very negative effect on me. It affects my health, my attitude and ultimately my choices. This a good parent does not make.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid:
<strong>Plain and simple? Yep, on paper but take a look at your personal recovery. You both have made strides but you each keep holding the other back. Or so you both seem to say. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. I want to know what I'm doing
now that is inhibiting recovery. This thread is a personal vent. I don't dump this kind of stuff on her on a constant basis. Mostly I'm just chillin with her, doing daily life and trying to meet her ENs in a non-frantic manner. I must be missing something, and I genuinely want to know what it is.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid:
<strong>Dewt, I like others want to see you, Dylan and your family succeed. We can't do it for you. We can support and help you but if u 2 don't stop pointing fingers, it won't get better.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here again, the pointing fingers thing. Please, please, please, show me where I'm doing this. I really feel in my heart that I don't
blame her for what happened. I was there as it developed. I know how, over the years, we became ripe for this kind of thing. If it weren't for my experience 5yrs ago, it could could easily have been me on the wayward track. So I'm really not blaming her for this. But people keep saying I am pointing fingers. And I don't get it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid:
<strong>Maybe it isn't getting worse but I am sure you are tired of all the going arounds when you s/b moving forward with your lives either apart or together. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is
exactly what the core of my frustration is.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid:
<strong>So my question is: As of today right now, where are each of you on your personal recovery? I know you can only answer for you, so please do so. Maybe Dylan would give her side on another thread.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Where am I? Backsliding. A huge part of my recovery is learning how to live a reasonably successful and stable life. Meet my daily responsibilities and 'keep it together'. Now that I'm supporting Dylan and winter is here, my income is not enough to handle things. So I'm falling behind. This is a HUGE source of stress.
Also, I set goals for myself (like quitting smoking) that have fallen by the wayside.
Also also, I had really planned on knowing, by December 1st, where my life was going. Many decisions I can make for myself, but there are a few that are contingent on others decisions and behaviours.
So there ya go. I'm sorry I missed you. Most of my posting was scrambled in when I could.
I think I mentioned Dylan was returning to our old town for the weekend. OP is not supposed to be at the house while Dylan is there. So anyways, I've been alone with child. He was in a Santa Claus parade on Sat with his Cub pack and we've been pretty busy together.
As an update, Dylans return was suddenly postponed until tommorrow. Problem with her lift. I sure hope so. I'm pretty calm now but still pretty afraid of a bomb dropping when she gets back. Assuming she gets back (which I am <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )
Thanks for posting to me, Orchid. I value your opinions and insight a great deal.
dewt
