Over the years, I failed to meet my husband's sexual needs. (it's a long story, but tracks well with His Needs Her Needs). Because my H felt he had no ethical choices, he researched the subject of polygany in the Bible and came to the conclusion that God allows it. An affair followed. Now,in the aftermath of his A, he feels he is now married to his lover and has an obligation before God to take care of her should the need ever arise. I am beside myself. Even tho he says he has stopped contact with her (she lives 2k miles from us) I can't seem to forgive him because of all sorts of insecurity regarding his thought process. Help!!
-pm-

sounds like his poor excuse of justifying and continuing the affair.
Don't know the Bible all that well, but never remember hearing or reading that one.
Did you speak to a pastor, or minister about it?
jets

Yes, I have spoken to our pastor about this, and we have been in MC for nearly 6 mos. I told my H that his actions were adultery and he reluctantly agrees. But he still feels that God allows multiple wives. He doesn't feel the need to be set straight on this. He feels the only important aspect to our reconciliation is that he is no longer having sex with her. He would like to be able to stay in touch with her and provide for her financially should the need ever arise. This is what I have been living with.....
pm

Okay, so your husband has decided he wants to be a polygamist. That's great. It's his life, and he can do what he wants with it. You are not going to be able to talk him out of this.

You cannot control his actions. You cannot control his feelings. But you can control your own.

The question here is not whether your husband is going to have a polygamous lifestyle. The question is, are *you* going to have a polygamous lifestyle.

Do you see the difference?

You can say to him, "H, I married *you.* I did not agree to have other women in *our* marriage. If you insist on bringing them in, I have no choice but to remove myself from the situation because I will not be part of such a painful, humiliating, and damaging arrangement."

Then be prepared to back it up. If you don't, you can look forward to him making you a part of his harem for the rest of your natural life.

Mulan

P.S. If your husband wants to know what polygamy really does to families, do a Google search on the current story in Colorado City, Arizona. It's a sad, sad, sordid situation.

"Polygamy is God's will" is about as lame an excuse for being a cheating pig as if I had used the excuse "but I'm in a popular band, it's expected of me."

Like most of the world's demagogues and despots, he had an idea, knew it was evil, but tried to find a way to twist the Bible around it and make it OK so he could get by with it anyway. A pig wearing lipstick, or a crucifix, is still a pig.

That's definitely the most ridiculous excuse I've heard yet.

<small>[ December 02, 2004, 04:55 PM: Message edited by: VnusMars ]</small>

I think he is trying to interpret scripture to fit his sin. I believe his interpretations are wrong.
Here are a few sites that give interpretations.

The husband of one wife

More on 'the Husband of one wife' interpretation

http://www.bibleviews.com/husbandonewife.html

I did read one site that interpreted the verses as allowing polygamy. But, I don't believe their intretation to be correct. I am sure he searched until he found these interpretations that fit his own belief to relieve himself of the guilt of his obvious adulterous affair.

See 1 Cor 7:2. The use of husband and wife are singular not plural.

Not sure any of this is a help since he is not open to being 'set straight'. Oh well.

Did he have some ritualistic ceremony (like a marriage ceremony) with her to bind them together before they became lovers? Was he open about wanting a relationship with her and did he discuss it with you first?

Some individuals and some culture believe in polygamy and it is accepted. To most of us, it is completely unacceptable. For him to thrust this on you without your consent and approval just goes to show you that he is trying to justify his actions.

Is your husband aware that some cultures believe in one wife and multiple husbands? That would make more sense with the population explosion that we are having in the world today, wouldn't it? It would make more sense economically too since men tend to earn more than women and the cost of living is going so high? How would he feel about you marrying another man?

Usually multiple wives mean multiple children. Can your husband afford to support another wife and other children without depending on assistance from the government?

I think your husband is just using his theory to justify what he did, both to you and to himself. There is less guilt that way and he can brush away your pain by saying that it is the way of God. If he justifys it through God then he will not have to look at what he did as a sin.

Cathy

Oh dear. I'm afraid that I can't help but giggle over your husband's logic, prettymama. It's my favorite piece of fog babble when they come up with the polyamory/polygamy solution to an affair. Having been in something a bit close to true polyamory, I can say with some assurance that a secret affair is unethical no matter how you've structured your ethical stance on monogamy. It's the secrecy, lies, and betrayal that make a real hash of things. The sex and emotional intimacy "just" add about a million extra pounds of emotional energy to the already explosive mix.

The poor guy. He's trying hard, and he's right that the Bible talks about people having multiple wives. (Old Testament, various stories.) And even today, in the United States and other Western countries, there are people who have multiple spouses.

But that's other people, and for the most part the folks who engage in polygamy do things like introducing their spouses to each other, having public wedding ceremonies, and all living in one household with certain underlying structures that create a stable and integrated family unit. (Society places a great deal of importance on stable family units, have you noticed that? To the point where we make laws about it, because stable family units are critical to the continued existence of the human race.)

So no matter what your husband believes about the Bible and what it says about polygamy, I would look a little closer to home. For example, what did your marriage vows say? Did you forsake all others until death do you part, for example?

Unless he's willing to renegotiate his entire marriage with you -- which is a possibility of course, but you have the responsibility to say no to anything you're not enthusiastic about, and it doesn't sound to me like you're enthusiastic about this -- he's pretty much stuck with the vows he made to the wife he has.

If he feels guilty about the mess he's made of the other woman's life, well, good. He should feel guilty about it. And the best possible thing he can do is to get out of her life and let her figure out how in the world to rebuild. His interference is preventing her from finding and marrying someone who's actually eligible to marry her. It likely sucks to be her right now, and the more that he makes promises that he'll never keep, the more hurt she's going to be in the end.

Just J is right about the Old Testament having stories about men and their various wives. And yes, there are other cultures and segments that still believe in this practice but with the understanding of all involved and the expectations of having the man being able to financially and emotionally provide for all his wives. But even favoritism often caused rifts in a "harmonious" relationship. Remember the story of Jacob and his wives Leah and Rachel? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />