Hello everyone
I am Greergan's wife and I am not real comfortable with posting info but my H asked me to run something by everyone.
I have told the OM that I do not want to be with him or have a romantic relationship with him. We have changed our home number and my email addresses but I have not changed my cell. My H wants me to do this but I would like to keep the number and not return the OM's calls. I am going on my 4th day not talking to him and a part of me feels like a good friend has died. I still want to hear his cell messages and I feel that he will quit calling soon so I really don't want to change the number. I want to phase him out. And I know that is hard for my H to understand but I really need to do this.
Is this wrong?
Please let me know
Thanks
Eeyorelover1966/WS emotional wreck

Mrs. Greergan,

The best thing you can do for your H, your M and yourself is to change that number. Every time you hear OM's voice it will take you back to day 1 of NC and recovery. Changing the number is also a significant change you can make to show your H you are serious. Please also keep your life an open book and let him see your call log or whatever else he needs to see to be certain you are maintaining NC.

So glad you posted here. I am both a FWS and a BS. Keep posting if you can, it will help your recovery.

Edited to add: Phasing OM out is not the fastest way to recovery, it is the fastest way back to day 1 over and over. Cold turkey is truly the way to go. Hang in there, you CAN do this.
God bless.

<small>[ December 02, 2004, 08:46 PM: Message edited by: faithful follower ]</small>

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. Thanks for signing up and posting. It is somewhat unusual, but seems like you want to make your marriage work.

You won't want to hear this, but complete no contact is necessary. Otherwise your feelings and withdrawal will drag on and on. Your feelings are very normal, and many go through them. It will be very painful for awhile but worth it in the end.

You and your husband CAN have a better marriage than ever, if you start working the MB program. There are many success stories here.

Please keep reading and posting. Don't let it bother you if you get some rather unfriendly replies. There are quite a few women here in your position, and I hope they will post.

Eeyorelover1966,

First, I commend you for the courage you have shown for coming to MB forums.


I think you know the answer in your heart, otherwise you would not have come here and posted this question.

Yes, this is terribly wrong. You are inflicting an immeasurable pain on a person that truly loves you. All of you....well almost all of you.

Please browse the forums for FWS's and read their input over the exact issue. If you are truly interested in saving your M, ALL contact must stop.

Thanks baby, I really appreciate you asking here. I know stuff like this makes you uncomfortable.

I do have one question for you. I read in your post that you have deleted all the email addresses but your hotmail one.

Am I reading that correctly? Is that true this evening?

Thanks again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


truly loves you. All of you....well almost all of

I don't LIKE a few things to be sure, but I LOVE ALL OF HER! There are no doubts in my mind about that.

I have even said that several times lately. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ December 02, 2004, 09:14 PM: Message edited by: greergan ]</small>

Hi Eyeorelover,
Phasing out an affair actually continues the emotional aspect.

Even if you hear the OM today, by tomorrow you'll wonder how he is then too. Plus, if he says something you feel you "must" address, then you'll call him, but that isn't good enough either, so you'll meet for coffee or lunch or whatever...and the affair continues.

Marriages only rarely succeed when the wayward spouse and other person stay in contact. In the overwhelming majority, ongoing contact/calls/visits mean the affair continues or reignites. Even if the marriage succeeds, ongoing contact makes the recovery of trust much harder.

When you go into marital recovery, you make a choice to care for and protect you spouse, not doing anything to further hurt them.

I wish you very good luck.

Eeyorelover1966,
How great !!!

You have NO idea what a step you just took.

This small step shows how much you want this to work.

I can tell you this...change the cell number....because after 4 days...you're starting to go through the withdrawal..and it's going to hard sweetie...DAMNED hard..and it will take every ounce of will power...and yes...even outside support to get you away from the contact...

but all the effort you're making RIGHT NOW....

starts ALL OVER AGAIN...once contact is reestablished.

Be kind to yourself...work on one thing at a time.

We'll be here for you...and you have a loving husband.... wanting to stand beside you the whole way.

Hang in there...and give yourself something special for the effort you made by posting here.

A manicure, pedicure...facial...all sound like VERY good rewards...don't you think..greergan ?

She was asking about a massage some time recently. I would never, ever mind her having something pampering for herself.

Would someone please convince her that it is ok to do once in a while?

<small>[ December 04, 2004, 06:48 PM: Message edited by: greergan ]</small>

Eeyeorelover,

I am surprised no one has recommended this recent thread yet. So allow me: 2OAK on NC .

It appears that you care about the hurt you have caused. So, really, any further contact of any kind is a twist of the knife in your H’s back. Please don’t expose yourself to further temptation in any way.

With best wishes,


T

PS: Eeyore is my favorite Pooh character. Reminds me of my grandfather, sort of.

<small>[ December 04, 2004, 07:16 PM: Message edited by: greergan ]</small>

<small>[ December 04, 2004, 06:47 PM: Message edited by: greergan ]</small>

Why are you still getting emails from OM ?

This isn't good, and no longer acceptable, he's trespassing.

Can you reply back yourself ?

<small>[ December 04, 2004, 06:45 PM: Message edited by: greergan ]</small>

This in inappropriate behavior.

Where is everyone when I need them.

Greer, you do realize that as long as contact continues, your M is not in recovery right ?

You're going through the motions, but you're not actively working on this.

No Contact isn't a compromising situation, a secret email...just to see how he's doing, is disrespecting you, her, your marriage and your family.

This was a soft 2X4.

Contact ends.

Period.

As long as there is contact, it's an A. Don't fret, we all make this mistake. Just because the BS now KNOWS about the OP, and is granted some "flexibity" i.e listening to voicemails, reading emails.... doesn't change the fact that the A is still alive and well.

Go back, reread what you're writing, and tell me if you were reading it from someone else's life, if bells and whistles don't start going off all over the place.

One more thing, WITHDRAWAL.....also doesn't begin until there is NC.

You see where I'm going with this now ?

<small>[ December 04, 2004, 06:45 PM: Message edited by: greergan ]</small>

Greer: I don't know your story, but has OM been exposed? Does he have a W or significant other? Look for WAT (Worthatry), he has an excellent thread in his signature that talks about exposing the A to get it to stop. This is very hard, hopefully your W will come through this with you completely. Best of luck to both of you!

E: I agree with the others here, you need to close all email accounts and change your cell number. You know that answer in your heart too. I see you have 3 kids, if you can't do it for you, do it for them. That's the best thing to do for your marriage. Welcome and good luck!

1966-
I am a FWW and I hope you will take everyone's advice here on the NC. I as you are doing, went through months of "gradually leting go" and only talking once a week and then only through email- IT DOES NOT WORK- not for you or your husband. I can only imagine the hurt my H felt but also each time contact was made the next time was that much harder to attempt to establish NC. I have been NC for 7 months and I STILL struggle with withdrawl but I will say that time has made it easier along with other things. I can only imagine where I would be today if I stuck with NC the first time.
I struggled with the cell phone number change as well. I wanted to know that he was at least calling me- I would not answer or return his calls BUT at a week moment I did and it all started over. I have even had my cell# changed FOUR times with each time giving it to him again because we were still in touch my email.
My H has patience I will never have- he has watched me do the cell phone thing along with going through the withdrawl and starting over with NC several times. I will look at him knowing I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR HURTING HIM all those times.
It is hard and honestly it still is hard but there are several FWW's post that I have printed off and kept with me for encouragement as well as some betrayed husband's post that keep me on the narrow road.
I pray for your strength to let this go- let it all go. Your H sounds very supportive and willing to work...
22

Hello,

Just a quick question. If the roles were reversed and your husband had been having sex with another woman over a period of time; how would you feel if he told you he did not want to change his cell number because he still likes hearing her voice on the message she leaves even if he does not call her back? This is so humiliating and disrespectful to your husband. How can you not see this? Again if the roles were reversed, maybe you would understand.

Greergan,

Can I make a suggestion? Don't post on Eeyore's threads. Keep your threads separate. You can both read each other's threads, or even promise not to do so. It makes it easier when we are replying to Greergan on Greergan's thread and Eeyore on hers.

I have seen many couples who posted here find great help. But it usually seems to be those who do not post on each other's threads, making it "safe" for each to say whatever they want without a response from their spouse (positive or negative). Let us talk to you both, separately.

Just my thoughts.

Now, Eeyore, please keep posting. People here will talk to you in all manner of ways: we have straight-shooters who'll call you on the carpet, some who'll approach with care, some who'll berate you if they think you're really not "getting it." You can ignore whomever you want and converse with whomever you find is helpful. Just please keep posting.

It has already been said, but I think I must say it once more in hopes that if you take nothing away from this thread that you will at least acknowledge this: keeping in contact with OM is preventing you from ending the affair and it is heaping more pain upon Greergan. In the long run it will be the total undoing of your marriage.

If you want to save your marriage, and you have not really said that you do (or I missed that), you should go NO CONTACT with OM this very day and do not look back. Listen to the FWWs and FWHs on this thread who tried that and failed. They ALL fail, Eeyore, because it is impossible to be "just friends" with a man with whom you've been intimate and shared your heart.

If you like to read, I would suggest a great book by Dr. Shirley Glass titled, "Not Just Friends." There is great stuff in there and I think both you and Greergan will recognize yourselves.

Your marriage needs help. MB is a great place to start. But OM must go. Please don't close your heart to that.

~ Snow

PS (Greergan... stop reading OM's fantasy writings to your wife. They will only hurt you and make it very hard for you to continue loving Eeyore.)

Snowbelle, that was a very good post and I agree with every word of it.

EL (eeyorelover) I am a FWW who has been on the board for quite some time now. I tend to respond mainly to BS's to give insight into their WW's foggy minds.

I'm 11 months into a lifetime of NC. That's what it has to be to even begin to recover your m.

Withdrawal, which is grief by another name, is horrendous but if you can get through the first bits it gets easier and easier. If Greergan can stick with you during the first stages and keeps focussed on the long term benefits of having to watch you going through this, you have every chance of making it.

Interestingly, I saw the OM from afar in April of this year and it took me right back to day 1 of withdrawl.

NC, and real NC is the only way to go. I got through the worst bits by being proud of myself every day that I got through another day.

Hope that helps.

Jen