I recently went out and experienced what I imagine the WS' must feel from an A. At a company function I had a lady unashamedly hitting on me. It was late, she was way beyond trying to conceal it and just came after me like I haven't been hit on for years. I am average looking and suspect / know that the alchohol had worked its magic or evil depending on your view <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . We did enjoy some very dirty dancing but I slipped away before it got out of hand.
My point is, given that I was feeling so low about myself for so long, I felt incredibly validated and flattered by being showered with all this suddeen attention. It would have been relatively easy to go the extra yards and have SX and wrong the M if that's possible given WW's A.
The feelings that I experienced were incredibly powerful, and still make me fell much better about myself. I am just wondering if this is how a WS feels at the start / during an A? Some food for thought?

<small>[ December 02, 2004, 09:20 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

See how that buzz leaves you in a few days. Since it didn't culminate into anything physical, it may help your ego in the sense that you know you are still attractive and not a stick in the mud (not that I thought you were - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

For me I hit that turning point about 4 months after d/d. I remember it clearly and I had a few more encounters like that both in the real and dream world. Did wonders for my ego. Made it easier to go to plan B. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Yet it also presented a danger. Unmet needs can haunt a BS' mind.

Need to keep focused and immerse yourself into to place that provides strong emotional support. I used to post a lot here during those days and it helped getting through those nights. See posting here helped me as well (and you all thought I was just liked to post - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ). Dual therapy of sort, I guess. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

L.

RM, I had an experience a few weeks ago. I met someone at a party, we were obviously attracted to each other, and she kept getting physically closer to me as the night wore on. Lawdy, it felt wonderful. I'd love to meet her again someday down the road.

I don't know if most WS are quite that vulnerable, but that rush of a brand new attraction is so seductive.

GC

You see guys, it's not just the buzz of someone new.

Before I was married I met guys and there was attraction and all the rest of it.

When it comes to an A it's the obsession that makes the difference. I was obsessed.

I wasn't even aware there was an attraction, I'd been hit over the head by a sledgehammer and from then on the obsession and addiction just took hold.

BS's often say on here that opportunities present themselves and they could go down that road if they chose. But what is missing is the obsession.

I hope that doesn't sound like justification - it's certainly not meant to be. I just wonder and wonder and wonder how on earth something like an A could ever have happened to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Jen

KiwiJ,

Very interesting observation. Guess those euphoric feelings may take us down that path but as you have pointed out, something stronger this way cometh. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I appreciate your insight. If you or others could explain this a bit more, I am sure it w/b a learning experience better to hear about than experience.

thanks,
L.

Hi RM,

I am not addicted to MB...I am not addicted to MB....I think it a hundred times a day.

Okay, I'm in a foreign country, but sought an internet cafe...two blocks from the hotel. Whew...it feels good.

I read your post and it must feel good to know that you are still a desirable commodity. Yes, it does wonders for your ego. We BS's get so battered and feel as if we are damaged goods. In the first few months after D-day...I would have been with anyone...not a health state. BS's need that validation we are not defective. For me about four months into it, I had a nice conversation in an airport with a stranger. Then while I was on my "walkabout" in Plan B #1, I had an ongoing conversation with a good-looking flight attendent for whole two hour flight down to paradise. I also could have pursued it, but did not. I let the happy memory, but a happy memory....did not want to mess it up with reality. haha. That encounter let me know that I could still attract the kind of people I wanted, if I wanted.

The feelings are definitely powerful and probably addictive. But reality always messes it up. Have you read the article on saveyourmarriagecentral.com about the nature of love. First, the attraction, then the chemical dump of infatuation and then the kind of love that is attachment which is the most enduring kind of love. I believe in the notions of that article. I think the kind of love we strive for is somewhere between the chemical dump and attachment. We would burn out, never get anything done or kill our mate in a fit of jealousy if we were always just on "infatuation."

Anyway, I am glad you had the experience and you got some positive feedback about yourself. I'm also glad that you know the dangers of the situation--it would only be a short term fix with many more complications and personal guilty if you went through with it. It seems as if things are messy enough as they are right now. Sorry for the preaching.....anyway..glad you are getting out there and stay safe and take care. ss

RM I felt this also. Some very interesting reponses to my posts too, if you care to read them.
Click Here

I think the grace of God is preventing me from having an experience like this right now. I am not certain I would react appropriately...

OK, please some WS' input here. My h had the obsession a. It is awful from the bw end here. He told me he was IN love. I think this is the absolute worst A. The addiction, the feelings he must've experienced. Yeah, the sex they must've had. ANd here's me, he's had sex with me when I was pregnant with twins....must've been great <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I can't compete with it. We have 4 small children together (10 and under). That is OUR reality. I am ready to just give up because I can't compare to this BULLSH** he "felt". <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Actually I always thought my W was at her most sexy when she was pregnant but then I might just be a weirdo <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

RM...

During my seperation and ensuing divorce I was a depressed, lonely, emotional mess. After years of putting up with a loveless, sexless marriage I knew I needed to move on. I guess I am considered an attractive man (told I look like George Clooney and Charlie Sheen )and have always had women (and even men) hit on me. I did not care. As soon as I started "dating" I found that while the attention was great for my ego (only because I accepted the attention)I could not make any emotional attachment. None at all. I went through a ton of 2 week relationships....All ended because I would not allow myself to become attached. After 7 or 8 months someone found me. She was great. However, it was an "affair" (she was divorced w/ kids). We never had any interactions with family or friends. It was all fantasy as we met when we did not have our children. Stayed "in" for the weekend or evening focusing on each other. Isn't that how "affairs work?" She was responsible for making me feel alive again. And because I learned that I must be open and honest this woman knew she was a runner up to my XW. My XW knew how I felt about her (my XW) and because I told her and wrote it down months earlier. In a card for her B-day I reminded her. I told my GF all of it. It made it difficult and at times I thought I was trying to destroy that relationship. Finally I just had to stop dating...I was still hung up on my XW. Around the same time my XW was deciding that she still loved me....bizzare twist of fate it was...

My point in all of this is that when you're insecure about yourself and your ego does not exist any attention feels good...for a moment. My XW tells me that "attention from the OM" made her feel "special"....because she was at the same spot...I KNOW how she felt as I felt the same way...AT THE SAME TIME!!!>>>>we made different choices....I have no regrets about my choices, then , after our divorce, or now. She can not say that. You're still married my friend...like an affair that feeling will disapate. You'll get on a whole new roller coaster.....My advice is to stay on the one that involves your wife....Getting on another will not make it better...

Good luck...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RenaissanceMan:
<strong>

... given that I was feeling so low about myself for so long, I felt incredibly validated and flattered by being showered with all this suddeen attention.

The feelings that I experienced were incredibly powerful, and still make me fell much better about myself. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Everyone is different...but this sounds right on the money ....

and it's not just the validation...although that's huge...it was the feeling of finally being VISIBLE to someone....after feeling invisible ....of being HEARD, and listened to...

being made to feel that your thoughts, opinions feelings...mattered...really MATTERED....

the fact that you could just mention something and suddenly it was done...somebody laughing at your silly jokes...'getting' the humour...someone who looked at your life and SAW the invalidation, the hopelessness, the anger....

someone who did not want to sweep everything under a rug and just 'be fine'.....

and that is one big drug when you have not felt that in 8 years....

it took another 5 years after Dewt's A for me to crumble under the weight of infidelity....

and I have to agree, I had been feeling so low for so many years...especially after my H's A and then no improvement in our lives...he improved...stayed faithful.....but it wasn't enough....

"yay!...my H will forevermore be faithful....now, if only I could get him to SEE and HEAR me..."

5 years after his affair, I got tired of waiting, and yes, when someone else is suddenly there, fulfilling needs you didn't even recognize you had, well, that is more powerful a draw....esoecially if it is what you have been craving from your spouse, have said so a billion times and have gotten nowhere...

those feelings can indeed be the most dangerous..for both the WS and the BS....

Dewt having those feelings and then caving in to them again and again (unlike you) as a BS during our seperation, did more to damage our chances of recovery than anything else...

even as the WS this time, I feel betrayed by him....on both ends of the spectrum, these feelings can lead to doom....

Dylan

Dylan

Folks - thank you for the excellent postings. I love hearing all the different perspectives and experiences. It helps so much to realise that I am still going through the normal cycle of feelings for a BS. Thanks to all of you that posted links to your stories, I will make sure I read them.

It is true, the attention gave me the feeling that I was still a desirable human being and not some piece of effluent that was to be flushed away. I had some other validating experineces over the weekend and they certainly have given me a shot in the arm. Having heard what you all said to me, I will make sure that I don't take myself to serious and get a big head. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Recently I have started going out and socializing more and I have noticed that there are literally dozens of people in my shoes, divorced, separated, or having marital issues. I used to feel so disfunctional / abnormal, but I have since realized that I am in what seems to be the growing majority in our throw away society. So many good people on the sidelines, unable to connect and stay with similar like minded people. What a crazy world huh? Even crazier, I am going to start a new thread that lists all the positive things that have come about as a result of my WS's A. I am not crazy (well I don't think so), I am serious....
Cheers R-Man

Posted by soulloss:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> and it's not just the validation...although that's huge...it was the feeling of finally being VISIBLE to someone....after feeling invisible ....of being HEARD, and listened to...

being made to feel that your thoughts, opinions feelings...mattered...really MATTERED....

the fact that you could just mention something and suddenly it was done...somebody laughing at your silly jokes...'getting' the humour...someone who looked at your life and SAW the invalidation, the hopelessness, the anger....

someone who did not want to sweep everything under a rug and just 'be fine'.....

and that is one big drug when you have not felt that in 8 years.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dylan - that was by far one of the best descriptions I have seen. It was exactly how I felt. I was so incredibly broken before my A. Our M had crumbled, and when I tried to address our issues, H refused to even acknowledge that anything was wrong. He would always say everything was 'fine,' but his actions, words, demeanor, and general treatment of me screamed otherwise. I was weak. I didn't want to lose my M. And my breaking point was the night that I felt my M was over anyway. H had emotionally divorced me.....and finally, I had nothing left to give him.

Unfortunately, OM had a lot to give me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . Kiwi is also very right. Couple that initial draw-in with someone you are forced to work with on a regular basis.....and then throw in the 'obsession' aspect of 'needing the drug.' And you have an absolutely lethal combination. One that changes you into someone you never thought you could be. One that learns compartmentalization, learns how to lie, learns how to deceive. All for the 'high' of the A - because it cures an insatiable unhappiness....for the moment.

You learn not to think about the future - but just when your next 'fix' will be. Then you ruminate on how that 'fix' made everything better....just for the moment.

In the end, you realize that the A did nothing for your self esteem - rather, it made things worse. You hurt people you loved, you hurt yourself, you destroyed yourself, your M, and every shred of self respect you ever had left for yourself.

Be careful of those 'quick buzzes'. Take precautions. Ignorance is dangerous, knowledge is protection.

BP, you posted:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> SHE hasn't torn my heart out and stomped on it.
SHE might try REAL hard to be attractive to me.
SHE might laugh at my jokes
SHE might be really appreciative of my efforts at romance and affection
SHE might appreciate my earning ability and the life I could show her
SHE might think about me in a romantic daze when I wasn't around
She might keep a picture me in her purse
SHE might be excited to introduce me to her friends and family as a 'catch'.
SHE might appreciate my physicality
SHE might actively try to meet my ENs
SHE might be excited to spend her leisure time with me instead of a load of sweaty karate students
SHE Might not take me for granted just because I love her SO HARD for SO LONG
SHE might never break my heart....

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You could have substituted the "SHE hasn't/SHE might" with "HE didn't/HE did" for my OM....every single aspect. You can already see the power that 'momentary high' can have on your thinking....leads you in an entirely different direction.

In the end, it's simply weakness that allows the WS to choose the A instead of D (or in some cases, working on the M). And that is 100% the WS responsibility. I wish to God that I had the knowledge about A's then, that I do now. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Hindsight is 20/20.

Every so often, this topic is brought to light. I am glad that it is. It's all too common for people to get caught up in this 'flurry' of emotion. After all, I did....and I can never take it back. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ December 05, 2004, 11:03 PM: Message edited by: L.I.T ]</small>