<small>[ December 02, 2004, 08:59 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

Start by posting your story..

Go cold turkey and keep your husband near by.

I'm sorry I missed this post.

Sounds like you've re-established contact with the OM, is this correct?

TMCM

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 04:19 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

You have to know that it is a fantasy. Change your email address and all phone numbers so that he can not get in contact with you in the furute.

Then start doing the MB program and stick with it.

LMH,

First of all welcome back.

I have a couple of questions, if you don't mind:

Is this the same OM that you had a PA with or this the other guy you chatted with but never met?

How is your relationship with your H?

Have you and your H taken The ENQ(Emotional Needs Questionaire) and The LBQ(Love Busters Questionaire)? If you haven't then there is a good chance that your marriage is back to the state it was prior to your PA.

I hope you can answer these questions so that we can give you better support with our comments.

TMCM

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 08:40 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

lmh,

hi. i don't recall seeing your name that much however i see you have made a lot of posts. There are so many of us here, it's hard to keep up. but i did come across your post today and i looked back at some of your posts to understand your story.

here is something i read that you wrote on this thread: Internet Boyfriends </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have been where you are, I got involved through the internet and had an A that almost ruined my life too. My husband found out and it was horrible for everyone involved. On D day, I woke up and immediately realized my husband was the man I truly loved and stopped the A. I am so grateful I got out. It is all such a waste of time and it's not real. The feelings you have for this guy will dissipate if you ever end up living with him and you will look back at all the damage and destruction you have done to your family and your heart will break.. Please believe me its so not worth it..

A very important but simple fact is: Affairs are addictions and fantasy. They exist out of a need for excitment, relief from boredom or mid life crisis issues, and usually prey on those with low self-esteem. I cant judge you and I do understand some of your feelings, but if your husband were to realize your plans to divorce him and take the kids, I have a feeling you will be in for a change in your plans, and a battle for the kids which you could easily lose. Are you ready for that?

It is doubtful the OM would stick around after the newness wore off...and then where will you be? Think about it. Try giving more of yourself to your husband, make him the focus of your attentions and see how things change. The only way out of this nightmare is NC. There is no other way! Please get a clue before it's too late!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i am sorry you are struggling right now. I know how painful that can be. I also know that the only way to stop is to STOP!! put a rubberband around your wrist and snap it everytime you think of OM. this is NOT another time and another place. this is your life. please get back to living it!!!

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 08:40 AM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning-T2M ]</small>

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 04:20 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

I think you really need to do the EN questionnaire and try to determine what contact with this guys is doing to meet your needs. Is it about feeling special somehow? You need to discuss this with your H honestly, and give him the opportunity to meet those needs. You sound very sincere and determined--so stop using the "just can't seem to" language. You CAN if you put your mind to it and explore the issues behind your behavior.

I agree with Anne, the Harley's are VERY clear about this, you fall in love with who is fulfilling your top EN's.

This guys is fulfilling a need for you that is lacking in your M.

Time to be honest with your hubby, time to be honest about your needs, and time to NC this OM.

What about your R with your hubby has whirled your mind that helps you think "I can just talk with OM..."?

LMH,

Thank you for answering the first question, now could you answer the following questions?:

How is your relationship with your H?

Have you and your H taken The ENQ(Emotional Needs Questionaire) and The LBQ(Love Busters Questionaire)? If you haven't then there is a good chance that your marriage is back to the state it was prior to your PA.

I hope you can answer these questions so that we can give you better support with our comments.

TMCM

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 04:20 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

LMH,
Your last response is very telling. Your needs are NOT being met. You are NOT MAKING SURE that your H fully understands what that means to you, and how you are feeling. Continuing to try everything to get him to understand what you need and work with you to meet those needs is YOUR responsibility at this point. YOU know that you are not as happy as you want to be. You are using this contact with OW to meet the needs you have and while continuing in your M. Feeling good when in contact is your biggest clue---and flimsiest excuse for continuing contact.

You DO understand why you got involved again--this fantasy feels so good in comparison to a H who is too busy to pay attention to you and make you a priority. Instead of honestly dealing with it, you make your escape. Just prolonging the inevitable, compromising your own integrity, hurting your H, the OM and his family as well. You KNOW where this is leading despite your attempts to rationalize the almost harmlessness of your contact. After all, you are not seeing him, right? But it just keeps you from dealing with the problems in your marriage, and probably is greatly impeding intimacy in OM's marriage too.

STOP contact now. You know it will hurt, it won't FEEL good, but it IS the right thing to do. It truly is the only way out...honesty with your H and yourself. Work on the M or get out, but dont't live in this way any longer--you are really neither in the M or with OM. The pain will only get worse. I am worried about you...

LMH,
Your last response is very telling. Your needs are NOT being met. You are NOT MAKING SURE that your H fully understands what that means to you, and how you are feeling. Continuing to try everything to get him to understand what you need and work with you to meet those needs is YOUR responsibility at this point. YOU know that you are not as happy as you want to be. You are using this contact with OW to meet the needs you have and while continuing in your M. Feeling good when in contact is your biggest clue---and flimsiest excuse for continuing contact.

You DO understand why you got involved again--this fantasy feels so good in comparison to a H who is too busy to pay attention to you and make you a priority. Instead of honestly dealing with it, you make your escape. Just prolonging the inevitable, compromising your own integrity, hurting your H, the OM and his family as well. You KNOW where this is leading despite your attempts to rationalize the almost harmlessness of your contact. After all, you are not seeing him, right? But it just keeps you from dealing with the problems in your marriage, and probably is greatly impeding intimacy in OM's marriage too.

STOP contact now. You know it will hurt, it won't FEEL good, but it IS the right thing to do. It truly is the only way out...honesty with your H and yourself. Work on the M or get out, but dont't live in this way any longer--you are really neither in the M or with OM. The pain will only get worse. I am worried about you...

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 04:23 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
we have grown closer and our marriage is better than it was before.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Really? Close enough to show your H the secret emails?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's why I dont understand why I got involved this way again ..but it really started as just friends </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If this started out a secret ... then it was NEVER "just friends". Have you told your H about this man and your "friendship"? If you have not, then it's a secret friendship... and not-so-innocent in it's origin.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> and I admire him and still do..it progressed even though each of us didnt want it to happen, the fact is it did and I do still love him..</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tell your H you are in love with an email friend ... and convince him that it's not fantasy.

The EMOTIONS you feel are real enough ... the REALTIONSHIP is a fantasy ... because it is a secret and it exists outside of your day-to-day existance. Once you tell your H and your parents that you love OM ... then it becomes "real".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I dont think of it as a fantasy even though it probably is ..but the fantasy is that we can continue this relationship and I know that..</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Read this again ... see how silly this sounds. It's feelings that are "real" .... NOT the relationship.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I need to go back and take my own advice..and I know it..but right now it is nice to be able to talk with him and stay in touch.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To secretly stay in touch you mean.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Neither of us has any expectations for a PA and would never leave our spouses. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not yet. But comparrisons are being made ... don't lie to yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right or wrong, without him, my life just feels empty.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then fix your life. OM is not an answer ... he is an outsider stepping between you and your H.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It is a struggle to understand why this happened, and an even greater struggle to 'let go' of this EA again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Letting go is simple ... tell your husband you are in love with on-line-guy ... and see how motivated you become.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We did it before and I still kept him in my heart and now even though I know I have to, it seems even harder to end this.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know you are talking about another woman's husband right now. You are saying these things about another woman's husband on a board hurt by the exact senario you are finding so delightful... You could be involved with my husband, Ark^^'s husband, Spider Slayer's husband ... and do you care about the wife at all?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I havent taken the emotional needs questionaire in quite some time. Looks like its time to get out the books and start all over again.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The emotional needs questionaire won't give you the resolve to expose yourself to your husband. Only your conscience is necessary for you to do the right thing and alert your unsuspecting husband to your weaknesses.

That's right, I said your weaknesses... you are not protecting yourself from things you know by experience you are likely to fall for.

Your H can pour marital attention down your throat right now, and it will not matter one single bit unless you are willing to protect yourself from your weaknesses.

Does your H need to remain vigilent for the rest of your life because you are likely to fall once again? I don't think that is his job... to police your activity. it is your job to avoid certain areas where you know by experience that you may fall ... YOUR JOB to avoid this sort of relationship because you know it is wrong, you know it will hurt many people including yourself, and you know you will feel less and less intimate feeling for your husband as long as you are guarding secrets.

You are in love with another woman's husband... stop and think.

Pep

hello, i am fairly new here and came across your post and thought that i could offer another perspective since i share a few similarities with you. i, however, am not the one involved in an EA, my husband is. my husband was also deployed to iraq and will have been home a year in february. it has been a rough road for us upon his return. my husband is still involved in an EA with a woman that was deployed with him. he continues to state that they have a "bond" that can not be broken since she helped him through a very hard time in his life. maybe i can offer the other side of what is going on here since i know and am living the pain of an EA.

if you truly care about this person, and you are "just friends" then as a friend you will put your own interests aside and put his first. by your previous posts i am assuming that you think it is in his best interest, and yours, to stay married to your spouses. i was the spouse who was left out of trying to be there for my husband while he was going through an unimaginable stress being deployed, and all i want is to reconnect with mine. i can only imagine that his wife feels the same way. i don't want to sound harsh, but the reality is that you are being selfish because you are happier with him in your life right now than with him not. again like others have said, teach your husband how to meet your needs, so that you can be happy in your marriage. be the "friend" that you should be and maybe introduce him to MB and let him see that you both are turning to each other when you should be turning to your respective spouses. this is what i wish that my husband's "just friend", would have, could have, and will do for me.

best of luck. i admire the fact that you can admit where you are weak, that makes you strong.

81377,

your post gave me goosepimples. when i was chatting online on a regular basis, i was chatting with other married men at times. i am so sorry for the pain i caused the wives of those people as i gave those men an opportunity to continue to be withdrwan from their wives.

thank you for your clear but compasionate post.

lmh, block your email, get rid of all online chatting programs, change your phone number if you must. make it IMPOSSIBLE for contact to occur.

i know i can NEVER allow myself access to online chatting of any sort. sure i would love to say hi to my neice who is now in college over the computer, but i CANNOT. just like an alcoholic can never drink, i can NEVER be online. i have a weakness there.

how about you? how are you going to protect yourself from your weakness?

i know it is hard. but we are here to support you.