Hurting Hoosier,

It appears that WW's have the same lament on exposure... I can't show my face... I can't walk out the door... if I talk to anyone all I wonder is if they know.... I can't believe that you told my family and friends( notice she will NEVER say I lied in the exposure).

I am sure they are doing the mental calculations on what would have to be done if an R happened......I would have to tell the truth about painting my BH as an abusive, cold, manipulative bast*rd to my family, friends , neighbors and business associates. But the worse part would be that now he has FREE REIGN to pay me back any time if we reconcile( That's the way they think, projecting their thoughts and actions on the BS) even though most BS's that stay around for 6,12,18,24 mos after D-Day have proven their resilience and integrity beyond reproach.

I must admit my exposure to her family was two edged( I know that is not MB principles). I tolerated her dysfunctional family before the A, I felt that I was truly the solid pillar that could provide a steadying influence on the rest of our extended family. Now I recognize the fact that I could no longer turn a blind eye to her dad's serial and ongoing adultery, her mother's mental illness as a result of her husband's insulting behavior and her repeated anger and hatred to both parents and to her sister. I truly felt that if we had any chance in repairing our M that it would be to her advantage to separate from the root of her dysfunction.

So yes, exposure IS a painful process for WS and BS alike. I just can't see anyone having a lasting reconciliation by trying to hide that huge elephant on a daily basis. The energy expended would only be siphoned off from a much more deserving task.

Cym said: I am sure they are doing the mental calculations on what would have to be done if an R happened......I would have to tell the truth about painting my BH as an abusive, cold, manipulative bast*rd to my family, friends , neighbors and business associates. But the worse part would be that now he has FREE REIGN to pay me back any time if we reconcile( That's the way they think, projecting their thoughts and actions on the BS) even though most BS's that stay around for 6,12,18,24 mos after D-Day have proven their resilience and integrity beyond reproach.

Okay so how do you prove that there will be no payback? How do you break through the fog and let the WS know that you want the M and that when you took your vows they meant something too you?

native00,

You can't. You can't. You can't.

That has been my ongoing point with BS's that are afraid of the exposure. You can try to lead an exemplary life as per MB standards and hope and pray that the WS sees that as an example of your behavior, but you can not guarantee anything.

When the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying where they are, your WS may TRULY come back.

Cym, kind of along the same lines as you can't change anyone but yourself. I've come to believe that my WW wants to be "free of responsibility, free of being tied to an M and kids". I finally believe that I've learned to detach my hurt and have finally set a timeline. End of Dec. = Plan B.

HH, I realize that you told all your friends about your wife's affair out of shock but I'm curious how you feel this has impacted your recovery process. My experience with several friends who did the same is that the more (unnecessary) people who know, the more difficult recovery becomes. Some reasons are:

1. The majority of people will advise the immediate demise of the marriage and there is no unringing THAT bell once it's been rung.

2. The BS ends up looking like a weak fool if they take the WS back. (Some BSs can't take that kind of heat so the marriage ends)

3. The WS is SO offended that recovery becomes even more difficult than it already is.

There is no going back on the first once it's done unfortunately..... read Soulloss's posts again and see if that was a wise decision on her H's part. {{{Dylan}}} The latter two have to do with P-R-I-D-E on both sides.

I'll confess to being somewhat thrown by your choice of thread title considering that the topic is actually your wife being upset with you for telling multiple outside parties. I would be interested what reactions you have gotten.... if they are in line with what I see most people advising in the case of an affair. If so, how is this affecting your relationship and recovery process? Would you do it again if you could do it over? KB

I have to agree with KB, When I exposed my affair ( yes I did ) to close friends, it was friends who I knew would support me in my decision to save my marriage. When BW exposed to ALL my " friends " I had quite a few who are now former frineds because their attitude was " Well if OW makes you happy "

I agree with exposure, but there is so much more then just bringing the A to light. Its also about support for ending the A.

If you just exposed to the people closest to you/her she could see it as a support group. If it was your drinking buddies, she will see it as an attack.

:::Just remember...the person who makes these statements is not the same person who has the affair.

LO, I was a Jehovah's Witness for ten years. It was me. I did it. I knocked on your door and spouted a bunch of inane cr*p that I believed to be true. K? I woke up - it was still me. I wasted ten years of my life. I, me, I did that. You had an A and it was you who made that choice. Quit the psychobabble. Presently there are people in cells all over the world awaiting trial for things they did, that didn't fit their previous mind set. Do you think a judge will make allowances for you having sex with an underage girl if you explain you were a different person when you committed the crime? At the moment there's a an Australian policemen in a Sierra Leone prison who was sent there to investigate underage sex. Now he's on a charge for the same crime. How does this happen? It is because he let down his guard and behaved badly and against his better judgement and training. What is wrong with accepting that you did wrong? People respect that. I also don't think you should call into question a BS's claim that they would never betray. Just because you were weak, doesn't automatically make everyone on the planet as weak as you. Some people wouldn't cheat, ever. But they have other problems that you have been spared. Swings and roundabouts eh?

AN

KB, regardless of the outcome of the M the thread is correctly addressed IMHO. It is a riot that the ww is upset with her H for telling. She has a damned nerve to question his reaction. This takes us back to the bottle throwing episode. If you are going to let off an atomic bomb there is going to be uncontrollable damage. The wife let off the bomb and (can't remember the posters name) acted on impulse. He was not capable of thinking it thru or behaving rationally. Much, much later, he will regret telling because he will eventually reach the point that he will feel more comfortable with the people who don't know.

And, besides, aren't we meant to publicise A's in the interest of stopping the secrecy and therefore the conducive environment that A's thrive on. The more BS who shout it from the roof tops, the better it would seem, in a big picuture sort of way, to stop making A's so damned easy for people have. Just imagine how many people would think twice about cheating, if it was the cultural norm for absolutely everyone to be told post haste, when a S finds their partner to be cheating. Geez, I can't believe that I immediately wanted to keep my H's behavior secret. It was so shameful. And don't these WS's just love it that we don't tell because we are so ashamed. They get to live a lie instead of facing the consequences of their actions.

Recovery? Irrelevant. WS wasn't worried about recovery when they were feeling all warm and fuzzy at having their A. She knew she could be discovered and exposed and she was willing to take that risk. It's perfect justice that her H has exposed her. Now she knows how it feels to be treated unfairly (in her own head anyway).

The article mentioned in the opening post?? Typical of someone who doesn't really understand how broadly based A's are and what is at the core of them.

AN

Dylan dear,

After reading your post, I am compelled to respond to you even though I haven't finished reading the thread. I can't express how bad I feel for you that you feel as if it's being shoved in your face and you are around people who think that you're a piece of [censored]. IMO, that's terrible, and it's a tragedy. It's not supposed to be that way, according to Harley and the MB method. What makes it that way for you? Is there a way for that to change?

I'm not whispering or giggling Dylan. I don't think anyone else here is either. I realize it was a same-sex A, but didn't it start with a POJA with dewt? And wasn't there dishonesty on his part during the POJA that led to the start of this A?

Dylan, I hope you quit beating yourself up pretty soon. How many people here discussed their A with their spouse BEFORE starting one? How many people here got their spouse's BLESSING to start an affair? How many WS's say afterward that they didn't know it would take on a life of its own? You didn't know beforehand either. But, IMHO, DEWT should have known because HE was a WS before you were. HE knew that side of it. You only knew the side of the BS. IMHO, dewt should have told you about that, about how it happens before you know it, how it makes you feel afterward, and should have protected YOU from learning that firsthand instead of giving you his blessing!

You said that exposure was necessary and I agree. But why have only your actions been exposed? I think it might be time for you to talk to dewt about this. Personally, I think it might be better to dump all the "new" friends who've only been exposed to one side of this. But you two might decide to POJA exposing dewt's part in encouraging the start of your A and exposing his own recent A's if that's what it takes to get on even ground.

Ok, nothing can change the mistakes that have already been made. But isn't it time to start healing from them? What do you need to be able to do that? Can anyone here help you? You deserve it, you know. Yes, you do. You deserve to heal.

Btw, I only know *your* story by what I have read from dewt's posts, and I believe there is a lot written between the lines of those posts. Please don't assume that everyone thinks you're a piece of [censored], or thinks that dewt is a nut for wanting you back. The question that I hope I eventually get the answer to is would you be a nut to get back with him? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Take care Dylan, take good care of yourself ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by knewbetter:
HH, I realize that you told all your friends about your wife's affair out of shock but I'm curious how you feel this has impacted your recovery process.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I honestly think it has made it possible. I don't believe that without the pressure of everyone knowing and disapproving, the A would be over yet. And we are working on getting into recovery, fww is still in withdrawal as far as I can tell, so real recovery hasn't technically begun.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 2. The BS ends up looking like a weak fool if they take the WS back. (Some BSs can't take that kind of heat so the marriage ends)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That was honestly my intent, and fww knows it. On the day I learned of the A by catching her and OM (and his mom, sister and kids <puke>) on an overnight trip and her telling me over the phone as I was about to report her missing to the authorities, I told her to have everything out of the house by midnight and leave her key. I told my friends about it and what I had done so that in the event I became weak and wanted to take her back, there would be plenty of people to give me hell. Much to my surprise, all of our friends turned out to be true friends and encourage me to not make hasty decisions and see if it would be possible to work it out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3. The WS is SO offended that recovery becomes even more difficult than it already is.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do regret this aspect of the total exposure. However, I consider it necessary collateral damage. The ironic thing is that she is most upset that her parents know. Well, when she went on her overnight trip, she left me a note that she had gone to her parents house. All I did was call there to see when she would be home and that launched the whole thing...I have to admit this amuses me a bit.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> There is no going back on the first once it's done unfortunately..... read Soulloss's posts again and see if that was a wise decision on her H's part. {{{Dylan}}} The latter two have to do with P-R-I-D-E on both sides. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not so. I kicked her out and she moved everything out. When I walked in the house and saw her empty closet and key and garage door opener on the kitchen counter it awoke feelings in me that had long lay dormant. Now she is home and we are working things out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Would you do it again if you could do it over? KB</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In a word, YES. I regret the pain it has caused my wife, much as I regret the pain the affair has caused her, realizing she was used as a piece of a** has caused her, the withdrawal is causing her, her quilt is causing her...because I love her and hate to see her hurt. However, it was the only way in my case and I am glad I did it. I am glad I exposed the A to OMW...that was the final knife in the A.

As much as I hate to see her hurt, there is a part of me that needed to see this process, otherwise I would have always felt there were no repercussions and I might have sought to even the scales someday by doing something I would later regret.

Well, at least your WS's have expressed some guilt. My WH seems to have no guilt at all and just thinks I should "get over ita" and move on with my life. Well, guess what? I am going to move on with my life....without him!
Good luck to all of you!

Well, at least your WS's have expressed some guilt. My WH seems to have no guilt at all and just thinks I should "get over it" and move on with my life. Well, guess what? I am going to move on with my life....without him!
Good luck to all of you!

sounds like my wife to a t. god for you. i wish it were so easy to do. but someday we will both say it and mean it. i wish you all the luck in the world.

Originally posted by Hurting Hoosier:
I don't believe that without the pressure of everyone knowing and disapproving, the A would be over yet. That was honestly my intent, and fww knows it.....I told my friends about it and what I had done so that in the event I became weak and wanted to take her back, there would be plenty of people to give me hell. Much to my surprise, all of our friends turned out to be true friends and encourage me to not make hasty decisions and see if it would be possible to work it out.

HH, friends like that are precious treasures! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It sounds like maybe despite your shock, you did think this out a bit and thankfully your friends are allies for your recovery rather than enemies. Most of the population is ignorant about the possibility of recovery after an affair it seems, so shouting it over the rooftops elicits the advice of the ignorant in most cases... not helpful for those who truly do seek recovery unfortunately. I'm very glad that your friends are who they are and that you have their support in real life.

My family knew of the A as well as two carefully chosen friends who were my H's backbone during the time I couldn't be. I am thankful to them and was in (reluctant, lol) contact with them during the early months. I never received censure or anger from either one of them, only the encouragment to reconcile and the hope of recovery. Pretty neat, especially since one of them knew the pain of infidelity firsthand and it cost him greatly to revisit it through our situation. He gave of himself completely and I realize how fortunate we were to have such friends.

Later about a year into recovery my H asked my permission to share our story with an old friend who just found out about his wife's affair. I will never forget the respect he showed me and the care and concern for me he displayed in asking.

We have worked with this man together ever since. He's a stubborn one, it took us 5 months to get him to expose to the OM's wife! The A ended immediately with exposure but I'm sorry to report that they are still not in recovery due to other factors that don't pertain to this thread. Exposure works to end an affair in the majority of cases but there is SO much more to recovery.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3. The WS is SO offended that recovery becomes even more difficult than it already is.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do regret this aspect of the total exposure. However, I consider it necessary collateral damage. The ironic thing is that she is most upset that her parents know. Well, when she went on her overnight trip, she left me a note that she had gone to her parents house. All I did was call there to see when she would be home and that launched the whole thing...I have to admit this amuses me a bit.

That is funny, someday you will BOTH laugh about it together. You KNOW you've recovered when you can joke about the absurdities of the A. H and I have a few doozies that just crack me up now but for those in early recovery it's better to resist.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Would you do it again if you could do it over? KB</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In a word, YES. I regret the pain it has caused my wife, much as I regret the pain the affair has caused her, realizing she was used as a piece of a** has caused her, the withdrawal is causing her, her quilt is causing her...because I love her and hate to see her hurt. However, it was the only way in my case and I am glad I did it. I am glad I exposed the A to OMW...that was the final knife in the A.

I hope that you can find a way someday to really let your friends know how incredible they are. I hope that your wife can get to the place someday where she can see that too. My best for your recovery HH, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> KB

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by knewbetter:
<strong>
HH, friends like that are precious treasures! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am well aware. We have one couple as friends that we have even been out with a couple of times since D-Day..they accept us both unconditionally and I know it isn't easy. I truly appreciate it.

Her parents were my strongest allies through plan A, and I value them tremendously. My parents love me, but are of the old school of thought and can't stand my fww right now..I hope time can heal some of those wounds as well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>That is funny, someday you will BOTH laugh about it together.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't wait for that day.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> I hope that your wife can get to the place someday where she can see that too. My best for your recovery HH, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> KB </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, I think she already does although we don't talk about it a great deal yet. I appreciate the compliment, I try to have a good head on my shoulders and a good heart. I do love my wife and with time and the grace of God, we will have a better marriage than either of us could have dreamed of before this terrible event.