Yesterday we actually had a nearly normal pre A day! When I called him with some information he needed from my brother (who I guess he´s ashamed to call because my brother knows) I asked again about lunch and he answered "don´t worry about me" and I answered "I´m not worried, I just thought the family could all eat together". He didn´t answer and we hung up. Surprisingly he came to lunch, we all chatted about our plans, I was going to take 2 of the girls to a hockey game and he said he would come. I suggested going to the movies at night and he agreed (and quite enthousiastic about everything). So after lunch he stuck around a while,then left for a couple of hours, and came back and we went to the game. while the girls played we had about 3 hours of chat about work, family, etc.I brought up things from the past, family etc. In the end we didn´t goto the movies because it was too late and we agreed to go this evening.
I´m not going to get my hopes up because I still don´t recognize him as the man I married, i.e. he is still in a fog, but it sure made a difference. I have hope.
Confronting him had a big effect or maybe it was the moment.
A couple of details I have to add are that plan B is supposed to be after Xmas. we celebrate with a Xmas eve dinner (with extended family). AND it is OW´s birthday on Xmas eve! These last 3 years he has always been invited to lunch at her house, alone. I guess this year that won´t change. I´m thinking of giving him a letter I´ve already written (but continue rewriting) 2 days before Xmas eve, because of all that is involved on that day. It is my B plan letter. Do you think that´s best? He will have all my thoughts to deal with on that day. A lot of pressure!

I have to add that I can´t always write because I´m not good at secrets etc and there seem to be too many people around lately. Everytime I leave the computer I have to turn it off so that it is password protected. Just in case. I write on my laptop.

cc,

Let me think a bit about this....but my feelings are that your Plan B letter should be AFTER not before Christmas. My reasoning for this is because of the children, because once you give him the Plan B letter...separation begins. I'd like the family intact for Christmas, and no one to be able to say you spoiled it for them. Does that make sense?

Star,
I don´t really think that ruining Xmas depends on what I do.It depends on HIM. In spite of the fog, etc.he is not happy, he´s suffering, and has been for a long while.My discovering the affair was a huge relief for him,although he NEVER even mentioned ending it, but I guess I have been toomuch of a friend to him and probably his ONLY friend, for him not to feel bad about not telling me. I guess what I feel is that I want to avoid separation and maybe the letter will shock him into getting back into the real world, maybe decide that the A isn´t worth it and decide to stop it and postpone separation (basically continue with plan A although that´s not what he would call it). That way we could avoid even letting the girls know! which is what I would most like to do, I want to avoid them being hurt. On the other hand, the worst part then begins for me.
You see, jobs here are hard to get. OW is now getting a fabulous salary, way more than what she deserves or can expect to get anywhere else. She lives with her mother and sister and probably has the largest salary in the house. She probably planned hooking my H because financially he´s very good for her (the mother and sister obviously, know , approve and are involved in helping her). So it will be very difficult to make her disappear. So if he ever ends the affair, the main problem is getting OW out of his life, and that´s one condition for me to take him back that I will not back off from. He knows it, because I once told him that she would have to disappear if he ever wanted the M to work. But it is a major difficulty we will have to face IF he decides to end the affair. I know statistics say that the affair will end, I believe in statistics but I won´t bet on it until it happens. I can only hope that statistics will be with me.
Funny, reading that affairs usually ended within 6 months of exposure really brightened the outlook for me when I first discovered the A. I had no idea of that fact, on the contrary, I thought it was the opposite, that many ended hapily ever after. But it did explain the few cases that I knew of of A which had in my opinion at the time "ended up in such a strange way" (not happily ever after).
So since we both know that we are splitting up after Xmas,maybe 25th, or 26th, I thought the letter would be giving him a jolt to see if he wakes up.
The culture down here determines that separation is the right and respectful thing to do when you find out your H is having an affair. the only reason I had these 2 months since d day (10/23) and him leaving was the "excuse" of the girls exams. Don´t misunderstand,I´m grateful I had the excuse, because the previous beliefs about affairs and marriage and the social pressure would have made me kick him out immediately. I actually did ask him to leave sometime in august I think and he just said OK. but the following morning I told him we should wait until the end of year and he also just said OK. At that point there was apparently no affair,and he was just out of love with me and had told me in march.
Anyway, I´m rambling now.
He called to say he wasn´t coming to lunch,he has "too much work",probably making it up to OW for the weekend and not being much with her yesterday.
Anyway later on I will have to decide whether to be here in the evening, to go to the movies,or not wait at all and go out with my daughters and let him find out that we all have a life which he has to want to join if he wants to be included. I will not call him.